Hi Frozenfireflies

It’s good to hear that in some circumstances that your husband is understanding and acknowledges his mistakes.

I would agree with you his history has caused some difficulties with his communication style. He lived that way for 30 years. It is going to take some time to undo.

For my husband it took 6 years of work throughout our relationship to develop a healthier communication style. It honestly takes time.

I don’t necessarily agree that your husband isn’t interested in changing. He might simply not know how or have sufficient emotional control. Like how you have difficulties taking a break in these situations. I agree that he could benefit from therapy.

I can understand how his behaviour feels dangerous and is a trigger for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you are in the wrong at all

There is a question that my therapist used to ask me constantly. Now I will ask you the same question. When is the first time you remember feeling similar emotions of danger and the need to pursue in your life?

I can understand why you feel hurt in your example of your recent example. He was criticising you. I’ll add that it is a very common criticism in relationships.

Yesterday, I had a massive energy bill. My husband asked me to put the heating on through winter and I did as he asked despite my preference being to save money. I was upset by the energy bill. I said this is because you wanted the heating on all the time. Why don’t you wear layers? He said he does and still gets cold and was a little flustered. We cuddled after.

Yesterday, I was cleaning the shower and my husband came along. My husband tried to dissuade me from cleaning the shower. He asked why I was cleaning it and said that I would hurt myself. I said I have to do it because no one else will. He said he cleans everything else around here. I said you asked, I just answered in a sassy way. He joked know your butt is right there. I said you can kick it just be gentle.

These are common small squabbles that don’t really mean anything if you have a healthier relationship. I think the difference in your example is that your husband doubles down when you defend yourself against criticism. It sounds like there’s some emotional pain carried around on both sides.

I can understand why it feels like he’s blaming you and criticising your character. The truth is that there’s nothing wrong with your character. You forget things sometimes. People who have higher standards typically complain if things aren’t to their liking. But it doesn’t mean that you are doing anything wrong. He is having difficulty with his own feelings because of his own standards.

I would suggest that your husband’s back pain is also a factor in his communication difficulties too. It’s not right, but it does make sense. I know I have experienced that too.

Dear frozenfireflies,

Because of my own struggles I’m currently in psychomotor therapy, because talk therapy has not worked well for me at all. I’ve only been with this new therapist for a few sessions but I have high hopes.

It’s great that you’re currently in therapy and that you like your new therapist!

This will hopefully teach me to stay more regulated and not get into this abandonment trap of anxiety.

Yes, I think that if you can lessen the fear of conflict (and the fear of abandonment, as it seems), it would enable you to stand up for yourself and not feel defeated and powerless in the face of your husband’s anger.

My husband is indeed someone who really can’t say no very well. He has a real history of taking responsibility, to his own detriment even. Part of the problem here is that I think his standards are a bit too high and he doesn’t have enough trust. “No one does a good job if I don’t step up” – that almost seems to be his mantra, whether he realises it or not. It would really serve him well to work through his own past issues that are holding a grip over his present life.

I don’t name call, I don’t do character attacks, I don’t swear at him and yet he still feels some kind of pull to this aggressive communication style when there’s conflict.

I’ve been reading from the book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker. He says that when people have a lot of unresolved anger (from their childhood), they may become very critical of others, i.e. have a strong outer critic. This outer critic can be very judgmental of others, feel superior to others and also feel justified to get angry frequently and dump their anger where it doesn’t belong.

As for getting angry frequently, Pete Walker calls it “emotional flashbacks” – the person gets triggered by something (say their partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink), and this makes them feel unloved and unappreciated, and as a reaction, they react angrily. So a small “incident” can lead them to overreact – because they interpret it in a negative way, as if their partner wanted to hurt them deliberately.

You mentioned that your husband gets upset with you for “leaving things” and not being as tidy as he would like you to be. So perhaps something like that happens with him too? And that’s why he reacts with anger to something that is otherwise not a big deal and could be discussed peacefully?