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April 2, 2018 at 4:24 pm #200609
AnonymousInactiveHey everyone! It has been a while since I’ve been on the forum. I’ve been working on myself the last few months, trying to really just love myself, be ok on my own and just be happy.
For the most part I have been pretty good, but I just started dating again, and I feel the anxiety creeping back up. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this guy and I really like him so far. The old/bad thoughts about myself are popping into my head now at times when I haven’t heard from him for a bit, or analyze things that I say, such as ‘oh he doesn’t like you as much’, or ‘I shouldn’t have said that’, or ‘he’s not interested’.
I feel as though he likes me, but I wish I could just relax and let things happen naturally and trust that I am enough and worthy of a good relationship.
More a vent post, but any tips would be appreciated:)
April 2, 2018 at 9:57 pm #200623
MarkParticipantHeartbrokengurl,
First of all I believe that words are powerful especially the ones we use for ourselves. I suggest you think of yourself as someone that is not heartbroken.
I wonder if in your past thinking back when you met someone that you like a lot and was not as anxious? Or have you always been that way?
If so then can you look back and see a time when it did work out OK? Or it does not have to be with another guy but about a time when you were not so anxious? Can you get back to that feeling?
Mark
April 3, 2018 at 5:10 am #200657AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
Welcome back. Since you are dating again and the anxiety is back, it is a good time to re-read your previous threads on the same issue, dating and anxiety.
Here are your own words Nov 28, 2017:
“My anxiety got the better of me today… I can’t help but think the worst, that he doesn’t find me attractive, or want me anymore, or believe that he will contact me this week like he says he will… I wish I could stop putting him on this pedestal, and stop feeling so heart broken.”
You wrote that you wish you could stop feeling so heart broken, as in your user name, heartbrokengurl.
Right before this wish you wrote, “I wish I could stop putting him on this pedestal”- make it an aim with this new guy, off, off the pedestal!
anita
April 5, 2018 at 9:38 am #200973AnonymousInactiveThank you both!
I have done a lot of reflection on myself in the last few months, and recognize when my anxiety comes up. I’m getting better at pin pointing when it does, and telling myself it’s just my anxiety.
This new guy I’m trying really hard not to put him up on a pedestal. Last night it took him a few hours to respond to a message and I assumed the worst. Turns out he was just in class. A sure sign I still have work to do! We aren’t exclusive or anything yet, so I’m trying to just enjoy our time together until/when that happens. I would hate for my anxiety and insecurities drive away someone great.
April 5, 2018 at 10:00 am #200977AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
You had a couple of dates with him. Too soon to assume or even hope that he is great (your last sentence).
I will repeat my recommendation: take him off the pedestal. Whenever you look up to someone, you are looking down at yourself.
anita
April 5, 2018 at 10:01 am #200979AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
April 5, 2018 at 10:12 am #200983AnonymousInactiveLove that last part Anita! ‘Whenever you look up to someone, you are looking down at yourself.’ Thanks for putting it that way. I know I am great and amazing, and deserve just the same, and yes, I don’t know him well enough at all to know if he is great yet.
I keep putting my worth onto someone else, even when i barely know them! Looking for validation.
Perhaps I will try mediating more as well to try and calm my mind. Thanks again 🙂
April 5, 2018 at 10:17 am #200985AnonymousGuestY0u are welcome, Heartbrokengurl. Looking forward to read from you again, anytime.
anita
April 16, 2018 at 10:37 am #202665AnonymousInactiveHello, just wanted to give a quick update as I’m stressing out a bit.
This new guy I originally posted about didn’t end up working out. He was not who I thought he was, and I’m moving on.
In the meantime, I met someone else, and we have been texting every day. Our conversations are so wonderful. He asked me out on a date, and we went out yesterday. It was such a great date. However, it only lasted an hour, and he didn’t ask to see me again, so I”m a bit confused. I text him and said I had a great time. He replied ‘Yes, it was great to finally met you 🙂 I had a really great time too!’…but again didnt say we should do it again etc.
I feel like my anxiety is amped up yet again, worrying if he likes me, if he will text me again etc. I dont know what to do to calm this side of me, every time I meet a man. My mind was just wandering all night last night and I couldn’t sleep. I really want to stop this and just relax and go with the flow. I don’t want to put men on pedestals, and I want to be confident in myself and know what I have to offer, and that I deserve a great relationship. I’m so frustrated with myself.
April 16, 2018 at 11:13 am #202675AnonymousGuestDear Heartbrokengurl:
It is difficult to change such patterns as the one you are re-experiencing yet again. There is definitely no way to get rid of such a pattern once and for all. Would have been nice if that was possible. It is true not only to your pattern in (beginning or otherwise) relationships, as you described in your recent post, but to many patterns of behavior, such as overeating and overspending and so on.
Notice what is happening and best you can, disengage from the thoughts. The thoughts that kept you awake last night, those are like vehicles that carry around your fear through the highways of your brain. Disengaging from the thoughts is like disabling the vehicles in my imagery.
It is very, very.. very difficult to do. But practice and you it will get easier. Persist in the practice, don’t give up. When you find yourself thinking again the same old thoughts, notice and disengage. Again and again, and yet again.
I wonder if it will be helpful to you if you re-read your own threads. If you click on your name and get the threads you started in the past, you can read the same pattern as it applied to man after man. This may make it clearer to you how indeed this anxiety is not about this or that man, but about any man. You can also read how wonderful they all were (if I remember correctly) until they were no longer wonderful.
anita
April 17, 2018 at 7:47 am #202807
GCParticipanthey!!
my situation is a bit different, since I don’t feel anxiety until later on as relationships get serious, but I definitely understand that feeling of putting someone on a pedestal, feeling very anxious of the unknown or being rejected. i always deal with these issues, no matter how well i’m doing in my single/independent life. i think it’s so hard with relationships all of a sudden, due to the uncertainty of them. the best advice I can give you is to take things very slow with who you meet, while focusing on your own work, interests, hobbies, will definitely make you realize what’s more important. mindfulness or breathing exercises are wonderful as well.
have you thought of psychotherapy?? I’ve been doing it, and it’s a huge help for me. once we can understand the patterns of our thoughts and behaviors, especially based on our past, we’re on our way to accepting whatever comes us our way (good or bad) and being our best selves! if therapy isn’t an option, there’s some great books you can read on it too.
hope that helps, and keep us updated :`)
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