Dear Anita

Thanks for replying, as always

I haven’t replied her yet, i sense that I feel a bit angry because she is trying to cross my line, since for me I was quite deliberate and clear, yet she was still asking to meet up, which for me, she is not listening.

I guess not replying will be the respond that I have for her.

I think you are right Anita, old  habit still creeps in when things like this happen, it has reminded of the old way of thinking and doing, just by seeing her profile picture makes me think of a lot of things that happened in the past, those that I think are not even relevant to my life now.

I have established new habits and a lot  of new friends, who all seem to be contributing positively to my life now. I have a group of new friends who run regularly with me, I have this newly met date, and of course I have all the friends who have been with me for years.

I was just thinking since I was so emotional at the time that I read her message, and that i was a bit bothered afterwards, does that mean i still have some lingering shadow that i need to deal with.

But I guess the way that I am coping with it is, just put down all the things that makes me feel negative(interacting with her included), and just leave it like that and see how it goes.

Don’t know if that makes sense, but I guess I just don’t want these unnecessary negativity in my life. I am quite committed my own happiness and not falling into that depressive mode anymore again.

Thanks Anita, always feel warm when talking to you

Take care

Chau

Hi Anita

good to see your reply.

You have reminded me of how i feel when my other old wounds were heal. I remember some of things that happened when i broke up with my first love, the way that I lingered and the tears that were shed, yet i don’t feel anything when i recall these now.

I guess as time goes by, that feeling will be the same as the feeling i will have for this current ex.

I have even struggled for a while on whether to reply her first message, i can’t rule out the possibility that she meant good and was trying to return things.

but as she asked me to go out, my first reaction was ‘why are you asking me out instead?”

I realized the gut respond was usually most truthful to the heart. A lot of times when we second think , we complicate our  mind and what you truly want and think are shadowed by thoughts that come after. So i better stick to my originally feelings.

Thanks for remembering my south america trip, I have always been very athletic yet in last year, i almost didn’t run or hike at all, all the energy was drained by those depressive episodes. I have even signed up for my very first full marathon, so me and my friends are all together working for it.

This south america trip has also taught me to distinguish some good anxiousness vs not as good anxiousness.

I realize when i was pondering on a decision, to do or not to do, if my gut feeling tells me that it would be a good thing to do and it will be fruitful in the end despite how hard the journey may seem, this kind of  nervousness is ‘good’, and that i would just push myself to do it instead of think further on it, although the idea sounds scary at first. This full marathon is one of them. Going into the wilderness of Patagonia when i was in south america was one of them, in fact, going to south america alone is also one of them.

and every single time, making a decision based on this is always always right. once i have completed it, i feel so proud of myself, that i can take care of myself and i have created good memory that pushes me forward.

Interesting to note how easy it sounds now, but half  a year ago, i was just so hopeless and helpless.

so i guess it’s good that i record it here, so that i won’t lost track anymore

Thanks Anita, good night on your side of the world!

Chau

Hi Anita

Thanks for your kind words.

I realized i fluctuate quite a bit after i decided to just ignore the message.

I still didn’t reply , i wanted to at some point, and i even typed out something, but i didn’t send it out in the end.

I was so bothered that I unblocked her today, and checked on her facebook, I finally realized why.

I saw that she seemed to be all very well, i guess much better than the time when we were together, our relationship seemed to be quite a toxic one anyways. When i found that she was all well and txted me, i realized probably i have assumed that something happened, possibly something bad happened, that she wanted to reach out and find me, and that she needed help. or may be she  has broken up with my ex-friend, and that she just came to find me, or may be she misses me? i don’t even know, anyhow, i catastrophized that bad things happened and that I didn’t know what and how to deal with it. and i probably felt guilty about it as well, for not replying. and may be i am missing out on someone who still had a chance with me to recitify the wrongdoing?

and i was bothered for so long

and now I think may be she…wants to be friends or something? while she is all well and strong, and possibly still with my friend, she wants to be friends with me? i really doubt if she has considered whether it’s appropriate and whether i was ready, all this terrible thing that happened, it’s more like she feels like she was ready so she reached out, while she didn’t realize the magnitude of the damage that she has done.

I was looking at her picture, but all i felt was everything other than love. I mean when you look someone you love, a warm feeling comes naturally from your heart, you see her smile and you would smile. But when i look her new pictures, all i felt were negative feelings such as envy? distrusting, anger etc. they aren’t positive at all, which clearly tells me that i shouldn’t get in touch with her.

I guess her intent, as you said, is totally irrelevant, but for some reason my well-being was bothered by her intent.

I don’t know why, i think there is something inside me that is still disorganized or unclear about it, that i would allow this to bother me for so long.

it even made me want to withdraw from my new date.

I don’t know if it makes sense but i guess it fluctuates?

Thanks for reading Anita,

best

Chau

Dear Anita

Thanks.

I think after a night’s sleep i get better.

probably I have building up some tension inside me that i didn’t really realized, to a point that i felt a bit overwhelmed.

the old feelings are very deep i could sense, yet the  new ones are not too strong in way.

but I will try to stabilize myself, and continue to choose and establish the new way

Thanks Anita, have a good night on your side

Chau

hi anita and all
how are you? hope everything is fine =)
kind of becomes and habit that i update here, hope its ok to occupy some airtime from time to time
recently i have become quite close to someone, we always have a very light hearted, supportive conversation and i really enjoy her company. i never imagine myself being able to develeop feelings for someone who is 8 years younger than i am, but she surprised me on her maturity.
but not until recently did we talk about our relationship, she wanted to remain friends while i have told her i developed my liking and attachment on her. i appreciate the honesty and i also am happy that at least i got an answer for my question.
its been two weeks since we talked about it. she did ask if i want to adjust how we interacted, we basically txt everyday still, sometime more, sometime less depending on the day. i couldnt have a conclusion at the time and i kind of wanted to see how i would feel afterwards before any adjustment is made. but recently i feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment for her. for me, i dont txt a fd everyday, updating myself and each other’s life on a daily basis. i do want to recalibrate the relationship, i feel like she would be a good fd, if i could adjust the feeling.
but as i am preparing to initiate the conversation, i feel the insecurity bubbling, may be deep down i am afraid of losing it all, well, while i havent even got it.
i do doubt if this is necessary at time, but i am quite sure this is insecurity talking to me. and so as i think ahead, i am thinking what i need to do to prepare myself.
i did dream of my cheating ex, and kept thinking of reaching out to her these days, i think i am scared of losing this tie with this person would make me feel lonely etc
well but u guess its quite clear to me after i type it out, i just want some insight on how to better prepare myself if you can think of any idea.
well other than that, life is good. been jogging extensively and work wise i am progessing well, proud that my project is developing well
look forward to speak to you again

cheers
chau