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New relationship but can’t stop thinking about my ex

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • June 27, 2018 at 10:01 am #214433
    Jane
    Participant

    I was with this guy for four years. He was my first boyfriend and I loved him a lot, generally we had a pretty good relationship together with a lot of trust and passion. We argued what I’d say was the normally amount and we got on each other’s nerves every now and then, during the four years of being together we broke up twice but always after a short amount of time of being apart ended up back together. Summer last year he decided to go university and broke up with me, although I kind of had a gut feeling it was going to happen I was still devastated. Since the sudden break up I’ve dated a few people and of course I have thought about him and stalked his social media pages to see what his been up to. In February time I met this guy, we started spending a lot of time together and things have been great, after four months we decided to make it official and I care about him a lot. But recently my ex contacted me basically saying he wants to get back together and if we don’t have a chance to get back together in the future he needs to know now so he can move on. Of course this was unexpected to me as he told me he no longer loved me but after we talked a little he said he only said these things to be the bad guy because he didn’t want to influence my decision to go uni or not. A lot of my friends said he is probably reaching out to me now because he knows I’m with someone else but I feel like he’s being truthful as I know him and he’s a truthful guy. I told him nicely that I don’t think we’d have a chance and that I wish him all the best but I can’t help but feel that I’ve been lying to myself and I can’t help but still feel something for him. I’m not sure if it’s because maybe I was with him for so long it’s harder for me to just move on straight away but whatever it is its making my feel extremely guilty to have these confused feelings when I’m with someone else. I like my new boyfriend a lot but I really struggle being around him when I feel this way, I just feel guilty and confused. I’ve been tempted to ask my ex to meet up for closure maybe but I know if I asked my boyfriend if that’ll be okay he won’t understand as to why I want to do this and he’ll be angry but at the same time I don’t know if it’s smart to go behind his back to do so, as it’ll make me feel a lot more guilty. 

    June 27, 2018 at 10:25 am #214453
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jane:

    You wrote about your ex boyfriend, “he told me he no longer loved me but.. said he only said these things to be the bad guy… but I feel like he’s being truthful as I know him and he’s a truthful guy”.

    Well, he wasn’t truthful then when he told you that he didn’t love you. He told you a lie then and kept the lie for months while you moved on, based on that lie, correct?

    Or maybe he didn’t lie and temporarily lost his loving feelings for you.

    Which one do you think it is (or is there a third option)?

    anita

     

    June 27, 2018 at 11:16 am #214465
    Jane
    Participant

    Yes I think you may be correct I think he may have lost feelings for me, around a month or two before the break up he become very distant, infact I hardly saw him on his part. He has up until the breakup always been truthful and I know he’s a good guy, I’m not sure if he was confused or something but now so am I and I really like my new boyfriend and I have no intentions on leaving him but I can’t help but to think maybe I should meet my ex for closure? But maybe that’ll make me feel more guilty towards me current partner

    June 27, 2018 at 11:46 am #214469
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jane:

    If your ex boyfriend did lose feelings for you and told you so when he broke up with you, and months after the break up told you it was not true that he lost feelings for you, then he lied to you when he told you he he didn’t lose his feelings for you and that he said that “to be the bad guy” months before, didn’t he?

    The reason I think this may be important is that the closure you are looking for, if you met him again, a closure on your part would depend on him telling you the truth.

    Please let me know if I am making a point that makes sense to you. Better not see your ex boyfriend for any reason until you are clear about your motivation, how to go about such a meeting, and until you have a better idea regarding what you can reasonably expect from such a meeting.

    * Will be away from the computer for about fifteen hours.

    anita

    June 27, 2018 at 6:37 pm #214495
    just_let_go
    Participant

    Hi Jane.

    This may sound blunt, but I don’t think you are in a position to be dating right now. If you are still this hung up on your ex, it is not fair on your current partner.

    To me, it sounds like you need to be alone for a while (I am currently one month prior to an extremely hard break up, so I can relate quote well) and feel your way through this. Being alone and finding yourself is the healthiest thing you can do right now. I would also cut ALL contact with your ex. Don’t stalk his social media, don’t have him on snapchat, instagram ect because every time you see him it SLOWS DOWN YOUR HEALING.

    Be by yourself, but not alone. Now is the time to be around friends, family, get back into your passions, rediscover who you are outside of a relationship. You’ll be shocked at the changes to your mind-state over time.

    Happy to help in anyway I can, as I said, I know what this is like.

    June 27, 2018 at 8:19 pm #214499
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Jane!

     

    I agree with all the other people commenting on your post. I’ve also been in a similar situation where my ex wanted to get back together. He also said some really hurtful things to me and essentially let me know that he wanted to focus on his career and his family relationships before he could continue our relationship. That  stung because I was ready to marry him and he was still caught up in himself. We were both on different paths. What made it worse was him telling me that he wanted what I wanted out of the relationship just to make me feel good…but actually lying.

    after we broke up, he called me up saying he wanted to get back together and that he regrets leaving.

    however I realized for myself that if someone can’t make up his mind about you while still being with you…how is getting back together going to change that? He needs time to go through some personal growth and Icant wait in the sidelines until he is ready to be with me. Further more his actions did not follow his words.

    I hope that you can think about what getting back together might mean for the two of you. You will be back where you two left off …but have either of you figured out a way to get past your conflicts? It’s a really tough decision to make and I wish you luck and strength

    June 28, 2018 at 4:54 am #214533
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jane,

    No one can give us closure. Only WE can give ourselves closure. So there is no need for you two to meet.

    Also, how come he gets to call all the shots? How come he gets to break up with you and then he gets to decide you will get back together as if the other guy did not exist?

    Feelings come. Feelings go. The next time you feel nostalgic about your ex, think about the feeling, “Oh, that’s nice” and then move on. With or without Guy #2. No guilt. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. Obviously the new guy knows you still think about your ex. One does not simply get over a four year relationship so quickly.

    Best,

    Inky

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