September 12, 2018 at 2:33 pm #225405
And maybe not.
I recently got in touch with my father and I've learned a lot about my mother, and that I also have a lot more in common with my father…like a LOT more.
…That wasn't relevant to this at all – I guess it's just nice to start off with good news. Haven't spoken to my father in 15 years, so.
Anyway – I've learned my mother was more a bitch than I thought she was.
I've also learned, not from my father, but just from…being observant, I am…not processing any of this well, heh.
You know, I don't browse this site too often – usually just come here to get something off my chest, but, from the few other posts I've seen, a lot of the people on here are more…calm about things, more peaceful, and really just asking for a helping hand.
Take a look at the shit I say and it's like…Well, I swear like my life depends on it, I'm very direct, I'm very…well…loud I guess – but I mean you can't be loud when typing…jfelkafhlkejw
MY POINT IS
I'm very scared of becoming just like my abuser. I mean that's a common occurrence – and I don't really feel like being a statistic on this shit. I'm not scared of much, least not fake fantasy shit, but this terrifies me. I guess real world shit terrifies me because it can actually hurt – I've been through worse than any horror movie has to offer I guess.
…Wow that sounded…eugh.
I guess I can start off with saying why I think I'm gonna end up like her…maybe not the exact same methods of abuse, but..
First off…I'm very angry – and slowly it's starting to “seep through the cracks” after years of being forced to keep it in. A lot of the jokes my friends make have me as the center of them, and with each god damn joke I get more and more irritated until I probably just…verbal diarrhea scream at one of them. I've never insulted anyone when I was angry – something my friend pointed out, and something I'm proud of – I'm usually able to keep what I say in my anger under control and usually mean everything I say because none of it is offensive. However…that was mostly because I had to watch what I said growing up. You know – I wasn't allowed to be fully angry to the point I couldn't control myself.
I'm very clingy and childish. You know – I'm very..I'm very tactile. I love to cuddle, I love to hug, whatever. Thing about that, though, is…when you're a blunt, abrasive, what have you, person…that can be seen as very manipulative. Suddenly I went from being very loud and angry and maybe even intimidating some people to stay away from me, to wanting to just lie down and chill with you for a spell. And when I don't get my way…well I mean, I never really mean it, but I start to “pout.” Again, it's all a joke, but I can still see how that might rub some people the wrong way.
Maybe I'm over thinking a lot of it. I mean, my friends are comfortable enough around me to make me the butt of 90% of the fucking jokes so.
I think this all started with me moving away and thinking to myself… “I'm done being the product of her neglect. Fuck forgiveness and patience. Fuck beating around the bush like you had to do, fuck censoring yourself, fuck everyone who says otherwise. You're not gonna be beat down again. Not again.”
And in doing so…I guess I just sorta…solidified that her abuse got into my head and forced me to put up this wall that I thought I didn't have.
I didn't figure out how to forgive and actually mean it. I didn't learn how to lose patience without getting scared someone would get mad at me for doing so. I never learned to stand up for myself against people who thought they were above me, so, I just invented how to myself.
Am I justified in saying that she's the reason I'm this way? Fuck yeah I am – and also because other authority figures in my life, who I thought knew what they were doing, said “Being a mother is hard :(((( cut her some slack” when everything was clearly fucking abuse.
Am I justified in saying that everyone should understand my story and cut me some slack? FUCK NO, I'm not. I wouldn't expect it either. Having an abusive backstory doesn't give you the fucking right to be a prick to other people – so I'm glad people thought it was RIGHT for my mother to do that shit to me. And I hope that if I get too bad, people do exactly what I did with my mother and entire family and leave.
If I fuck things up, I don't deserve people putting up with it.
…Man, I really go off an tangents with these things, don't I?
I need some therapy…need money for that, though. Really would be easier to die at this point.
To sum it up;
I'm scared of becoming like my abuser.September 13, 2018 at 5:27 am #225507
You feel anger at your mother. Good thing. You feel anger at your mother and you express it here. Very good thing. Even better, you left, no longer living with her, it gets better and better.
It in natural to feel anger at a person who hurts you. Other animals do, this is our nature. The biological reason for anger is to motivate animals to protect themselves from abuse.
Regarding “other authority figures in my life, who I thought knew what they were doing, said ‘Being a mother is hard.. cut her some slack' when everything was clearly f*&^ abuse”-
It used to be that it was legal for parents to kill their children, and for any reason (no questions asked, no eyebrows raised, so I understand). It has been illegal for quite some time. Then it was legal for parents to beat their children, even to beat them hard, mercilessly. Then it became illegal so parents avoid doing that in public for fear of being arrested. Nowadays it is legal for a parent to abuse a child otherwise, that is, to keep them alive, to not draw blood or break bones, but to break their hearts. That is still legal. Not okay, but legal.
And so, those “other authority figures”, they are the descendants of the authority figures that believed it was okay for a parent to kill her children. No questions asked.
Your anger doesn't make you a bad person. It means you are a person, that is all it means.
anitaSeptember 13, 2018 at 8:38 am #225547
* didn't reflect correctly under TopicsSeptember 13, 2018 at 10:01 am #225563
You appear to be very self aware as you already know that you need to deal with your anger. Believe it or not that is a big step. The clinginess and childishness that you experience as a negative is likely linked to the anger.
Something that struck me in your post was your relationship to the concepts of forgiveness and patience. Reading between the lines it seems to me that you are making the mistake of attaching your idea of forgiveness and patience to your mother. Forgiveness does not require you to repair or engage in a relationship with the person that hurt you. Sometime ‘Love’ requires a relationship to end.
Foremost forgiveness is about and for the person who was hurt and may not even require the evolvement of the person who hurt us. Following this path of forgiveness allows us to let go and detach ourselves from the experience and find patience for ourselves. You are not your experiences, you are not your memories, you are not your past….
It is very important to note that detachment is not the same as indifference. What happened to you happened, it hurt and has influenced your experiences, you are not indifferent, and you do not have to forget. (though you may want to practice ‘forgetting’ as in not dwelling which is different’) Detachment is part of the practice of detaching the sense of self, ego, identity from our experiences and or memories. You may experience the emotion of sadness or anger when a memory pops up but ‘You’ are not your emotions. You experience emotions, you are not the emotion and in this way the emotions flow through you vice getting dammed up to a point everything burst forth in a fit of anger. Does any of that make sense?
Heal your relationship to forgiveness and you will heal yourself.