Dear LexiDee:

You are welcome. You purchased the dog and because you don’t have a social media account, you asked Tina to post on hers about the dog, for the purpose of finding it a home. You talked with Tina about the general practice of shop owners putting down aging dogs, and in the post, she suggested that the dog that you purchased would have been put down if you didn’t purchase it. The shop owner read Tina’s post, and although neither his name nor his shop’s details were mentioned, he got angry, yelled at you and threatened to file a defamation suit against you.

It is interesting how this is a “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished” for you and possibly for the shop owner as well, if he is an honest, hard-working man who, unlike others, is not in the practice putting dogs down for profit. Maybe Tina also had good intentions, to help you, to help find home for the dog and to protest against putting dogs down for profit… and her good deed too did not go unpunished (?)

“The pet shop owner knows where I live, and I’m worried what he might do” – if he is a hard-working, honest person, I don’t think that he will physically harm you and risk losing his business and going to prison. do you? Plus, when he was very angry at you, he threatened to file a defamation suit against you, he didn’t threaten to hit you or do anything illegal against you.

A defamation suit would not be possible to file, I figure, because (1) the post was on Tina’s social media account, not on yours, (2) his name and shop details were not mentioned in the post.

What do you think?

anita

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by .

Dear LexiDee:

I didn’t quite understand the problem until I read your most recent post:  the pet shop owner thought that you bought the dog for yourself because you wanted to have a dog in your home. He later found out that you bought it because you were afraid that he, the shop owner, will put the dog down. You didn’t have evidence that he put aging dogs down, but you were suspicious that he might.

If you told the shop owner that you were buying the dog for yourself, if that was the clearly stated understanding with him, then I can see why he would understandably get angry when he found out… basically, that you lied to him.  If this was the case, maybe you should apologize to him specifically for lying and tell him your reason (you suspected he puts dogs down without evidence, simply because you know of the practice, and you wanted to save the dog).

If there was no clear understanding between the two of you that you were going to keep the dog, it is none of his business if you give the dog to a third party after the purchase.

In either case, if he loves dogs, I can see why he would get angry at the suggestion that he is in the practice of putting dogs down. Assuming we are talking basically about three good people, with good intentions, it is a shame that feelings got hurt. But it happens. No one is perfect. No one acts perfectly all of the time: considering all the angles of every situation, anticipating all potential problems, etc. So, please give yourself a break for being imperfect, aka human. Those knots in your stomach need to untangle, and you should sleep well at night because good people deserve to have a pleasant, restful, conscience clear night!

anita

Dear LexiDee:

I read your correction. You wrote, I was trying to ‘fix’ things that may not have been broken… Lesson learned the hard way“- like I said, you are not perfect, neither am I. I make mistakes every day or every other day, it means that I still have lessons to learn, for as long as I live.

“Lessons learned the hard way” – it is not necessary to learn the hard way, a way that involves emotional pain like what you are experiencing. Lessons can be learned… an easier way. As long as you learn, that’s all that matters. Is it a pattern, that you feel excessively guilty for mistakes made?

anita

Dear LexiDee:

What do you think about what I said about being imperfect, aka being human:  being human means to make mistakes, no way to not make mistakes; and learning from mistakes needs not be a hard lesson, but just a lesson, a lesson to learn every day?

“I am not young and felt I should know what to do” – if only age meant being wise. it doesn’t.

You grew up (like I did) severely punished for mistakes made? Punished for mistakes that weren’t even mistakes?

anita

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by .

Dear LexDee:

It’s getting late where I am. I want to reply to you in the morning, when I am more focused, which is in about 10 hours, for me.

anita

Dear LexiDee:

You are welcome. “Why I am trying so hard to correct this mistake (not to make excuses but it was a truly honest mistake born out of carelessness) is because I guess I have been wronged several times (honest or not) and I guess some people did not own up to it, or even tried to deflect the blame, and I just don’t want to be one of those people” – you are not one of those people. You are not like any one of the people who intentionally (not out of carelessness) wronged you and didn’t own up to it, deflecting the blame, perhaps blaming you for what they were guilty of.

“In need for some kind words, please be gentle… He yelled at me and even threatened… Please be gentle as I’m still reeling from getting yelled at and being accused of shady dealings, I have knots in my stomach, haven’t been able to sleep well for days (the pet shop owner knows where I live, and I’m worried what he might do)” – he yelled at you, threatened you and accused you, and you got scared. Scared of him, scared that members of these forums will respond to you unkindly, or harshly.

“I am quite a recluse (hence I am not on social media) and really hate dealing with people because interactions are rife with misunderstandings like this. I am still reeling from everything, I wish I never entered into this misguided good deed” – it was indeed a good deed, but it brought you what you’ve been trying to avoid for a long time: human interactions, which in your earlier life- experience, are rife with hostility (yelling, threatening, accusing, and/ or deflecting blame, etc.?)

The following quotes may be of interest to you, please let me know if these are relevant to you (I added the boldface feature):

Wikipedia on complex-ptsd: “The diagnosis of PTSD was originally developed for adults who had suffered from a single-event trauma, such as rape, or a traumatic experience during a war. However, the situation for many children is quite different. Children can suffer chronic trauma… In many cases, it is the child’s caregiver who causes the trauma… Adults with C-PTSD have sometimes experienced prolonged interpersonal traumatization beginning in childhood, rather than, or as well as, in adulthood… Because physical and emotional pain or neglect was often inflicted by attachment figures such as caregivers or older siblings, these individuals may develop a sense that they are fundamentally flawed and that others cannot be relied upon. This can become a pervasive way of relating to others in adult life… (causing) alterations in relations with others, such as isolation and withdrawal… persistent distrust, and repeated failures at self-protection”.

health line on c-ptsd: “Most people are familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that results from a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or car accident. However, a closely related condition called complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is becoming more widely recognized by doctors in recent years. CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event… You might find yourself avoiding relationships with other people out of mistrust or a feeling of not knowing how to interact with“.

anita

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by .