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No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

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  • #399696
    LexiDee
    Participant

    In need of some kind words, please be gentle.

    It has always been my wish to be able to help at least one dog find a good home due to some childhood pain.

    The country where I live, dogs from pet shops nowadays cost $7k upwards, it’s crazy high and might deter people from getting one. I read that some pet shops put down unsold dogs who have aged out (typically when they reach 1 y o) instead of selling them for cheap or giving them up for adoption (coz if people get wind of this, they would just wait till the puppy aged out and the pet shops would not turn profit) so I decided I would buy one that has aged out and let him be adopted by a good family for free.

    As I am not on social media, I reached out to someone (let’s call her Tina) to help me post about this dog’s adoption (after i bought him). In the post, she mentioned a bit about the alleged practice of putting down unsold dogs and phrased it in a way that sounded as if the dog was really about to be put down by the pet shop where he came from (this is not true and I never said this to Tina. It was a clumsy phrasing).

    The pet shop owner saw the post and got very upset. He yelled at me and even threatened to sue for defamation (even though his name and his pet shop name are never divulged, I didn’t even tell Tina these info, no one but me knows where the dog came from).

    The pet owner has since calmed down a bit after I explained that I never divulged his name or shop, and that I withhold the sale paper that contains his shop’s name from the adopter, and that I never said to Tina that he was going to put down the dog. It was a misunderstanding and clumsy wording, and the shop owner reacted emotionally because the shop was his livelihood.

    And while I don’t regret the fact that the dog is now with a family who were looking for a dog as they just lost someone they loved so suddenly (they would never have found this dog otherwise), the whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I know I could have asked the pet shop owner what he was going to do with his dogs who have aged out instead of going behind his back like this, but would they really give an honest answer? It is a hard lesson for me, but really I wish I should’ve stayed on my lane and did not meddle.

    Please be gentle as I’m still reeling from getting yelled at and being accused of shady dealings, I have knots in my stomach, haven’t been able to sleep well for days (the pet shop owner knows where I live and I’m worried what he might do), and don’t enjoy running into dogs in the neighborhood anymore.

    #399703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    You heard about the practice of pet shop owners to put down dogs who reached a year old (and older) instead of selling them for a discount, so to prevent customers from waiting until dogs on sale age, and then buying them for a discount. You then bought an aged dog for a discount and gave him to a family, free of charge- a good deed on your part!

    The pet shop owner who sold you the aged dog, he didn’t practice putting down aged dogs; if he did, he wouldn’t have sold you an aged dog for a discount, would he?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #399705
    LexiDee
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. You are right, in fact I never said anything bad about the pet shop owner. It was a big miscommunication and he thought i was spreading lies about him. In fact I never disclosed the pet shop’s name or the owner’s name.

    #399706
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi LexiDee!

    It seems like it was all a big misunderstanding. That being said, the owner of the business should not have yelled at you or threatened you.

    I’m sorry that you had to deal with that abuse.

    #399707
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    You are welcome. You purchased the dog and because you don’t have a social media account, you asked Tina to post on hers about the dog, for the purpose of finding it a home. You talked with Tina about the general practice of shop owners putting down aging dogs, and in the post, she suggested that the dog that you purchased would have been put down if you didn’t purchase it. The shop owner read Tina’s post, and although neither his name nor his shop’s details were mentioned, he got angry, yelled at you and threatened to file a defamation suit against you.

    It is interesting how this is a “No Good Deed Goes Unpunishedfor you and possibly for the shop owner as well, if he is an honest, hard-working man who, unlike others, is not in the practice putting dogs down for profit. Maybe Tina also had good intentions, to help you, to help find home for the dog and to protest against putting dogs down for profit… and her good deed too did not go unpunished (?)

    The pet shop owner knows where I live, and I’m worried what he might do” – if he is a hard-working, honest person, I don’t think that he will physically harm you and risk losing his business and going to prison. do you? Plus, when he was very angry at you, he threatened to file a defamation suit against you, he didn’t threaten to hit you or do anything illegal against you.

    A defamation suit would not be possible to file, I figure, because (1) the post was on Tina’s social media account, not on yours, (2) his name and shop details were not mentioned in the post.

    What do you think?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #399709
    LexiDee
    Participant

    Thank you Helcat and Anita!

    I take full responsibility for everything as I should not have given the impression that I was going to keep the dog. I am not angry at him. I understand where he is coming from. I just regret how things turned out. If he had never come across the adoption post, everything would have been just fine. I am sure he would not lose customers as there is no way the dog could be traced back to him (unless someone is really really out to get him and hellbent on ‘exposing’ him).

    My conscience is also clear because I truly never divulged his info to anyone. I even have the text message to back it up where Tina mistakenly thought the shop was going to put the dog down and I corrected her, even went so far as to say the shop owner was actually nice. I showed this to him but he still said he felt very hurt.

    I do not blame him for getting angry. In fact I do think he cares about his dogs so much that to see the dog getting passed around like this upsets him. I just hope he could see that this was an honest mistake and that all I was trying to do was to ‘lighten his load’ as I see he keeps bringing new dogs in even though he still has some unsold dogs that are aging out.

    Anita, regarding the defamation suit, I am also not worried as I never identified him, even Tina did not know who he was. In a fit of rage, he called Tina (her number was in the adoption post) and actually exposed himself to her.

    Tina is someone I just got to know and she might have an agenda herself (I also don’t blame her for this mess, she is passionate about animals and was just trying to help. In fact, her post helped connecting the dog to the family who just lost the husband/father so suddenly a few months ago due to heart attack.

    My experience with Tina has always been nice so far but the shop owner told me she was very unfriendly when he called her, and that she told him I was the one who told her that the dog was about to be put down. I don’t know who to believe and perhaps it was just another misunderstanding where everyone is so emotional and gets caught up in the situation and missed out on details. All I know is I have the text to show that I actually corrected her about this prior to her putting up the adoption post.

    I just want to put this all behind me. I keep wishing I never decided to take the matter into my own hand (aka buying the dog with the intention of giving it away for free) and just walked away from the shop. I still have knots in my stomach and I haven’t been able to sleep well. This sucks.

    #399710
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    I didn’t quite understand the problem until I read your most recent post:  the pet shop owner thought that you bought the dog for yourself because you wanted to have a dog in your home. He later found out that you bought it because you were afraid that he, the shop owner, will put the dog down. You didn’t have evidence that he put aging dogs down, but you were suspicious that he might.

    If you told the shop owner that you were buying the dog for yourself, if that was the clearly stated understanding with him, then I can see why he would understandably get angry when he found out… basically, that you lied to him.  If this was the case, maybe you should apologize to him specifically for lying and tell him your reason (you suspected he puts dogs down without evidence, simply because you know of the practice, and you wanted to save the dog).

    If there was no clear understanding between the two of you that you were going to keep the dog, it is none of his business if you give the dog to a third party after the purchase.

    In either case, if he loves dogs, I can see why he would get angry at the suggestion that he is in the practice of putting dogs down. Assuming we are talking basically about three good people, with good intentions, it is a shame that feelings got hurt. But it happens. No one is perfect. No one acts perfectly all of the time: considering all the angles of every situation, anticipating all potential problems, etc. So, please give yourself a break for being imperfect, aka human. Those knots in your stomach need to untangle, and you should sleep well at night because good people deserve to have a pleasant, restful, conscience clear night!

    anita

    #399711
    LexiDee
    Participant

    Hi Anita, yes that is right. As I said, I have apologized profusely to him. I must correct one thing though: I did not believe that he would put the dog down but since I came across this dog at his shop who is already 1 y o, I thought I was doing him a favor (that he never asked) by taking the dog off of him. I realize that was a mistake. I should’ve just stayed in my lane and walked away. I was trying to ‘fix’ things that may not have been broken in the first place. All I was thinking about was, older dogs (means those who have reached 1 yr mark) are less desirable and I wanted them to have a good home. What I should have done was approach the pet shop and tell them my intention, and they could find a potential owner and I would pay for them. Lesson learned the hard way.

    #399712
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    I read your correction. You wrote, I was trying to ‘fix’ things that may not have been broken… Lesson learned the hard way“- like I said, you are not perfect, neither am I. I make mistakes every day or every other day, it means that I still have lessons to learn, for as long as I live.

    Lessons learned the hard way” – it is not necessary to learn the hard way, a way that involves emotional pain like what you are experiencing. Lessons can be learned… an easier way. As long as you learn, that’s all that matters. Is it a pattern, that you feel excessively guilty for mistakes made?

    anita

    #399713
    LexiDee
    Participant

    You mean if i feel guilty about learning lessons? Yes, I do feel guilty for failing to know any better. I am not young and felt I should know what to do. Also, I am quite a recluse (hence I am not on social media) and really hate dealing with people because interactions are rife with misunderstandings like this. I am still reeling from everything, I wish I never entered into this misguided good deed and just let things be.

    #399714
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    What do you think about what I said about being imperfect, aka being human:  being human means to make mistakes, no way to not make mistakes; and learning from mistakes needs not be a hard lesson, but just a lesson, a lesson to learn every day?

    I am not young and felt I should know what to do” – if only age meant being wise. it doesn’t.

    You grew up (like I did) severely punished for mistakes made? Punished for mistakes that weren’t even mistakes?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #399720
    LexiDee
    Participant

    I guess…also…why I am trying so hard to correct this mistake (not to make excuses but it was a truly honest mistake born out of carelessness) is because I guess I have been wronged several times (honest or not) and I guess some people did not own up to it or even tried to deflect the blame, and I just don’t want to be one of those people.

    Also, I truly think this pet shop is one of the good ones, I could see the owner was a good person and I made it up in my mind that he was probably struggling to keep the dogs because he may never choose to put down unsold dogs (purely my assumption and you know what they say, when you assume…).

    Like you mentioned, his is also probably a case of no good deed goes unpunished, which is why i’m kicking myself in the butt for failing to see how my action could come across and why I want to make this right for him.

    When he confronted me about this via text, I called him right away to apologize, and I have done so again and again, and I am very accommodating in helping him contacting people to take down the adoption post because he is worried it will hurt him / his business – even though as I said, the post never mentioned or alluded to him or his shop.

    I should’ve just explained that I am willing to pay for someone else and he could help me find the suitable home. I don’t know why I didn’t just do this, I guess I thought it was so unusual that he would just turn me down. It was so stupid of me.

    #399722
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexDee:

    It’s getting late where I am. I want to reply to you in the morning, when I am more focused, which is in about 10 hours, for me.

    anita

    #399724
    LexiDee
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for taking the time to reply to me. I really appreciate it.

    #399776
    anita
    Participant

    Dear LexiDee:

    You are welcome. “Why I am trying so hard to correct this mistake (not to make excuses but it was a truly honest mistake born out of carelessness) is because I guess I have been wronged several times (honest or not) and I guess some people did not own up to it, or even tried to deflect the blame, and I just don’t want to be one of those people” – you are not one of those people. You are not like any one of the people who intentionally (not out of carelessness) wronged you and didn’t own up to it, deflecting the blame, perhaps blaming you for what they were guilty of.

    In need for some kind words, please be gentle… He yelled at me and even threatened… Please be gentle as I’m still reeling from getting yelled at and being accused of shady dealings, I have knots in my stomach, haven’t been able to sleep well for days (the pet shop owner knows where I live, and I’m worried what he might do)” – he yelled at you, threatened you and accused you, and you got scared. Scared of him, scared that members of these forums will respond to you unkindly, or harshly.

    I am quite a recluse (hence I am not on social media) and really hate dealing with people because interactions are rife with misunderstandings like this. I am still reeling from everything, I wish I never entered into this misguided good deed” – it was indeed a good deed, but it brought you what you’ve been trying to avoid for a long time: human interactions, which in your earlier life- experience, are rife with hostility (yelling, threatening, accusing, and/ or deflecting blame, etc.?)

    The following quotes may be of interest to you, please let me know if these are relevant to you (I added the boldface feature):

    Wikipedia on complex-ptsd: “The diagnosis of PTSD was originally developed for adults who had suffered from a single-event trauma, such as rape, or a traumatic experience during a war. However, the situation for many children is quite different. Children can suffer chronic trauma… In many cases, it is the child’s caregiver who causes the trauma… Adults with C-PTSD have sometimes experienced prolonged interpersonal traumatization beginning in childhood, rather than, or as well as, in adulthood… Because physical and emotional pain or neglect was often inflicted by attachment figures such as caregivers or older siblings, these individuals may develop a sense that they are fundamentally flawed and that others cannot be relied upon. This can become a pervasive way of relating to others in adult life… (causing) alterations in relations with others, such as isolation and withdrawal… persistent distrust, and repeated failures at self-protection”.

    health line on c-ptsd: “Most people are familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that results from a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or car accident. However, a closely related condition called complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is becoming more widely recognized by doctors in recent years. CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event… You might find yourself avoiding relationships with other people out of mistrust or a feeling of not knowing how to interact with“.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
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