no relationship with my father and i feel lost

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    I’m 20 year old female, me and my father have no relationship at all we hardly talk to each other unless he is shouting at me or I’m asking for something. I was a public health student but i put that on hold after a terrible break up which made me lose focus and after that i started working on myself and want to find my purpose in life. I currently have a little job as a ballet instructor, its in another town and i have no problem with that. I tried explaining to my father about my job before i could even finish he was already screaming at me, i cry easily and i cried. I have been going for work but recently my father told my mother he would kick me out of the house if i continued my job , my mother understands its a job that i love and she knows how much it means to me, but my mum also can’t stand up for me last time she did my dad hurled insults at her and locked her out of their bedroom. Fast forward today i just got an email from my boss that i have to work for three consecutive day to prepare for the Halloween party which means i have to be in the other town for a week but i don’t know how to tell this to my father who never listens to anyone and just never understands. I can’t hold a conversation with my father without crying, and its uncontrollable these tears just start running down my cheeks when i try to talk to my father i don’t know why. Im so confused i don’t know how to tell him in a way that he will understand. Please help me.


    I sort of understand what you are going through. I lived with my dad until I was 18 years old. He would yell at me for almost anything and I would cry and he would yell at me even more. He would ask what is wrong with me. Every time I told him that I wanted to live with my mother, he would tell me I wasn’t old enough to make my own decisions and that I don’t know what I want in life. But I knew. He never understood me, even to this day he doesn’t, I am 21. As for what your going through, I know its tough and because I have dealt with that same sort of thing, I feel your pain, and I am about to cry reading this. Just be honest with him, if you find yourself feeling like you have to cry, maybe write him a letter about what you need to tell him. Let him know that you love your job. Explain it in a letter its easier for me to do that. Maybe it would help you? And you do know you have to do what makes you happy, not your father. I know making your parents happy is a hard thing, or wishing they could understand you or just be happy with who and what you are and chose to do. I hope I could help.


    If you like your job – keep it.
    Go to school and get an education – you”ll need it to support yourself. Independence means that you make your choices, not a domineering dude. Good luck.


    Dear bwale:

    Your father is wrong for screaming at you. You probably cry because he screams at you. It is very difficult to be screamed at by someone you loved your whole life, your father. Unfortunately, if he never apologizes to you for screaming at you then he probably has no intention to change. It is not good for you to live with a person who screams at you and bullies you (and another person in the home, your mother). I think it is a good idea for you to find a way to move out of that home, away from your father.

    Wherever you live, number one priority: let there be no person in your home who screams at you, who mistreats you in any way. Your home must be a safe place where you are either alone and safe or living with others who respect you, others who keep their voices calm and down, people you can trust to be calm, that is where safety is.


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