Thank you Vic for sharing your story as it helps remind me that I’m not only person who is dealing with similar issues.

“The truth will set you free”, “Honesty is the best policy”, “We always tell the truth” are phrases that are so deeply engrained in me that unfortunately, when applied indiscriminately, actually cause more harm that good.

I like what Matt said about being skillful in speech. I’m going to print out and post this phrase somewhere where I can readily see it. “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” In terms of kind, I take that to mean kind to the other person and kind to yourself. Am I correct? For example, sometimes, we can express self-deprecating “truths” because we feel the need to be honest with someone, when it fact, much of the self-deprecation is negative self-talk that is neither true nor kind to your self-image, esteem, or helping you build your relationship.

I struggle with the word truth because in life, there are no absolute truths. What is true today may not have been true yesterday and may not be true tomorrow. All of our perspectives are affected by the lens that we’re looking through at any given moment based on past experiences and current feelings and thoughts.

I recently said something very unpleasant during my break-up to my ex which still haunts me to this day. It wasn’t true when I first met her, it felt true at the moment (but it was neither necessary nor kind), and, if the relationship kept on going, may not have been true in the future. Either way, I think Matt is spot on as he helps us better understand what is meant by right speech.

This was a really nice read. Thank you all, and especially thank you @amatt for such lovely insights. I think I need to write that down somewhere as well.

I can understand the need for honesty. I’ve been like that. My mind is quite literal and not following certain rules can actually cause a lot of stress. As an example, my mother has a very selective memory and her storytelling tends to be coloured with a bit of drama, instead of being too involved with the details and whether things actually happened the way she’s telling the story. This has always caused me some mental anguish. She doesn’t understand my reaction to it at all, and thinks that it’s not such a big deal. But that’s just how it goes, and I have to understand that she takes some liberties in favour of dramatic storytelling. Sometimes the truth isn’t what people are looking for and during those times I need to let go of my own obsession with it. I have noticed though that the more I spend time thinking, the more obsessed I get with the truth. The more time I spend feeling, life becomes more balanced. It gets easier to let go of the details and see things in a different light.

There is a danger in having this image of oneself as being “always honest”. Apart from accidentally being inconsiderate of others’ feelings. When we start to believe that we are a particular type of person, we kind of fail to notice all the times when we are not like that. The belief is so strong that any evidence against that would cause a cognitive dissonance. Instead of being able to face the fact that there are times when we aren’t being completely honest, it’s easier to create a justification for why in that particular time we failed to be honest.

Or perhaps the honesty can be a justification for failing to be considerate towards another person. I cringe every time bad behaviour is justified by “being real”. It’s silly. It’s not about being real, as in genuine. It’s about being inconsiderate towards others and commonly accepted social behaviour. So there is a chance that the honesty becomes a justification of an event gone wrong, and was not actually the reason for things going wrong.

I also am not so sure if dating is a game to be played. It might seem like it, but it’s actually not. A person who has their own interests and their own life, has their temperament under control, who is kind and courteous towards others and has a healthy sexual appetite isn’t going to have problems finding a partner. But when we feel like we are lacking in those areas or think that we’re perhaps not as good as we think we should be, there is a temptation to appear as if we’re all that. As an example, you meet a new person, become really infatuated by them, and feel the urge to send them 20 text messages right after meeting them. There’s an inner clash between this strong urge and the rational part that knows that it’s going to appear desperate. If you do end up sending all the messages, and consequently scaring the other person in the process, it’s possible to justify it by saying “I was just being honest about my feelings, and if they can’t handle it, then perhaps it’s better that we didn’t end up together”. Not sending the messages might feel fake and like playing games. “I want to express my interest, but feel like I need to hold back to appear cool and collected.” With some maturity though, none of this would be a problem. With maturity, you can handle the strong urges and extreme feelings. With maturity, things aren’t that black and white anymore, but it doesn’t mean that honesty or being genuine would be sacrificed. Handling emotions becomes easier, so there are less extremes. Even reading social cues becomes easier.

I know all of this is kind of hypothetical, and not necessarily something that is an issue for the OP. I just wanted to point out that things aren’t always what they appear to be, and with some time, patience and growth, a new reality might appear. What you thought was the truth is only a partial truth.

Vic,

Ah, yes. Sorry, I tend to start rambling and I often go through my own thinking process whilst still writing to someone else, and forget that perhaps I’m not being very clear 🙂 It was just some thoughts I had around the subject, and not necessarily related to your situation. What I thought was that often things aren’t quite what they seem at first, and we want to believe in one truth because it’s less painful or easier to accept than something else. As an example, when someone doesn’t know how to behave in a certain situation, they resort to being blunt and when the other person becomes offended, they blame it on being just too damn honest. That wasn’t the real reason though, but the lack of tact and empathy towards the other person.

You kind of remind me of this one man I had a huge crush on 🙂 Still kind of do, actually, even though it’s become clear that we aren’t going to be a couple, ever. He is very direct and that is actually one of the things I like about him. I know where he stands with issues and it’s nice to be able to talk about things without having to beat around the bush. However, it is impossible to connect with him emotionally. It is as if he has this shell around him to protect him. He is bold and direct when discussing the world affairs or even relationships, but the moment he is approached in a way that he would have to let down his guard and allow another person close, he just tenses up. His problem is not that he is too honest, though I’m sure that he gets into trouble with his un-PC attitude. His problem is that he shuts out other people who want to get close to him. I would bet a lot of money that he does not see the actual truth to why he is single.

Aww…now I miss him. He is such an adorable turtle 🙂