May 27, 2019 at 9:54 am #295945
You are a very kind group and I am hoping that you can help me this time.
I often feel very lonely and without any purpose. I have a few good friends with whom I can chill individually but nothing like a group of friends with whom I can hangout and chill.
Secondly, There are many cold friendships in my life as well whom I care for but the same is not reciprocated.
In most of my friend groups, I feel like an outcast. In most of them, there would be a guy/girl who will be atmax ambivalent towards me. However, that person would be best friends with others.
Now the problem comes when we hangout as a group. Due to the person I am not on good terms, my friendship and interactions with others are impacted. For example – 4 of us are hanging out. 3 of them engage in many conversations and pull each other’s leg. Usually out of courtesy they include me else they are pranking each other. This happens in most of the groups. Only with my family and a few friends, I feel comfortable enough to share anything or say anything.
With the continued loneliness, I have started self-doubting and am not comfortable to speak anything in front of someone new.
Please guide me.May 27, 2019 at 1:01 pm #295989
You gave an example, four of you hanging out, 3 are engaged in conversations and “pull each other’s leg”, “pranking each other”. Can you elaborate n the pulling each other’s leg/ pranking each other, maybe give examples of what is being said?
And add how you feel about the pranking, do you feel comfortable with it and with whatever else is discussed between the three- what are the topics discussed and are they of interest to you?
* I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 17 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.
anitaMay 28, 2019 at 10:56 am #296141
People mistakenly think they have A purpose in life. The truth is, they have MANY purposes in life. Right now, your purpose might simply to be a student for right now. And that’s OK!
As for the friends, I would stick with your family and the few friends you can be yourself with. And YOU feel ambivalent towards the groups at best! Friends will happen. But they will be the real ones.
InkyMay 28, 2019 at 2:42 pm #296179
Dear @anita Thanks a lot for the response. What I mean by pulling each other’s leg was that all 3 of them bantered continuously among them. So, let’s say we are in a restaurant and a dish is served in each of our plates. So the other three will share from each other but not me. If they are in a playful mood then they will snatch the portion from each other’s plate just for fun. I understand that these are childish but those hurt when I start feeling that I do not mean much to them.
I’ll mention one other example as well. So recently one of them delivered a project in the office. We are not on good terms and are unconcerned at best for each other (I had a talk with him regarding this and he mentioned that he doesn’t feel much friendship for me.). Now a girl from our group of 5 who is his best friend, got excited and started planning to give the guy presents for his hard work. Others also chimed in and were excited. Since I am not on good terms with the guy, it seemed superfluous for me to spend money on presents. Due to this, my relations with the girl soured and she became distant. I fear very much that a similar thing will happen with the others.
I have started having phobia where I become insecure if my close friends talk or give attention to anyone with whom I am on ambivalent terms. I know this is just a series of What If’s which are clouding my mind. But I cannot seem to shake these off.
Dear @inky , Thanks for your response. I actually do care for the people in my circle but I become unsure if I feel that my friendship with them is threatened due to someone else (Even if it is in my head). How do I shake off this feeling ?May 28, 2019 at 3:24 pm #296187
I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may want to add to it) and reply when I am back to the computer in about 15 hours from now.
anitaMay 29, 2019 at 10:11 am #296247
I would go out with people individually from within the group. There is no rule that says you HAVE to only get together all at once.
InkyMay 29, 2019 at 10:18 am #296249
What I figure, from having read your posts in your two threads, is that in the group you mentioned, and in groups otherwise, you feel anxious and you look anxious, to the others. They can see that you are uptight, uncomfortable, so… they don’t play with you. They play with those who seem comfortable.
You wrote in your first thread: “Usually, when I am hanging around in a group with my friends, I become anxious”-
– it there was a camera videotaping the group you described, you would probably able to see that the three people having fun look relaxed, smiling naturally, spontaneously, not in a strained way, and you look uptight, if you smile, it is a strained smile.
It is similar perhaps to this situation I encounter in my daily walks: I see a dog, not too big, wagging its tail, friendly, seems relaxed, I am likely to talk to the dog in a friendly way, maybe pet him. But if I see a dog of the same size or even smaller, not wagging its tail and growling a bit, with teeth exposed, I get scared and I will not try to pet this dog!
People get close to and play with people they are not afraid of, not afraid of their reaction. People are afraid of people who seem uptight, afraid of their anger, of what they will do, for example, the friends you mentioned may be afraid that if they snatch a portion of food from your plate, that you will be angry at them, so they don’t do that.
Do you think this is what has been happening?
anitaJune 8, 2019 at 11:44 am #298019
Hi @anita ,
Thanks a lot for your response. Truly, you are an angel. I was undergoing a slightly feeling low spell recently and couldn’t muster enough courage to reply. What you have described is exactly what happens. I am not relaxed in the groups which I was referring to earlier.
Let me go in a bit of depth here. What I think happens in such situations is that I am afraid of opening up as I seek approval of someone in the group. I’ll give an example which will make things more clear. Recently, our college had its annual meetup and my old gang from college was attending it. I was full of energy, enjoying myself and making others laugh until my old friend Reema arrived. Reema is a charismatic girl, full of energy and a person everyone loves. I considered myself as her close friend (only from my side) but I have always craved for her approval which she has rarely provided. I have gone beyond and over for her but probably we don’t click. To attain her approval, I allow myself to be mocked and am not my normal self around her. Coming back to our party, As soon as she arrived my friends drifted towards her and I became conscious yet again. Though I tried to relax but she was on my mind continuously. I started overthinking that she was giving others more attention and even others were enjoying with her. I was craving for approval/attention from her specifically and ignoring others in the process.
Now, had I been my normal self then I would have enjoyed with others but I was afraid of the condescending laugh or even joking remark. I became normal yet again once she left.
I know that some of my behavioral traits are not ideal but I would like to improve them. Understanding the problem is probably the first step of the solution.
Thanks again for bearing with me.June 8, 2019 at 11:53 am #298021
You are welcome and thank you for… referring to me as an angel (it feels nice). I read some of your recent post but need to read further and reply to you when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, about 18 hours from now. Please feel free to add anything you would like before I return.
anitaJune 29, 2019 at 11:23 am #301365
It has been sometime since I wrote back anything here. I think I found the reason due to which I face most of the challenges that I have mentioned. I came to the conclusion that since I am an under confident person, I am not able to lead or take decisions properly. I am very clumsy at times as well. Due to this, I feel heavily insecure with anyone who is a confident person and is not close to me. This insecurity in turn prevents others to become close to me.
Do you think I am at the right conclusion ? If so then what can I do to improve myself ?
Thanks again for bearing with me !June 29, 2019 at 12:22 pm #301373
My goodness, looks like I forgot to return to your thread earlier in June like I said I will, I apologize.
I am making a note to myself to re-read our previous communication and your recent post and be back to you later, maybe as long as 17 hours from now, maybe earlier. I want to take my time thoroughly reading and replying to you, so later.
anitaJune 30, 2019 at 5:29 am #301433
In your June 8 post, you gave an example: you attended an annual meetup of a college group of friends. You enjoyed yourself, feeling full of energy, making other people laugh, but then Reema arrived, a “charismatic girl.. a person everyone loves”. The moment she arrived, you “started overthinking that she was giving others more attention and even others were enjoying with her”. You then craved her approval/ attention and ignored the others. You focused on her and ignored the others, while the others’ attention was with her. After she left the group, “I became normal yet again”.
You wrote that you “always craved for her approval which she has rarely provided… have gone beyond and over for her”, and “To attain her approval, I allow myself to be mocked and am not my normal self around her”.
Question #1: How ere you mocked in that meetup, in the company of Reema, who mocked you and how?
In your February thread, you wrote: “if I feel that someone is not happy with me or has some issues with me, then I become anxious and I spoil my other relations, and “I feel scared and fearful of confident people as it reminds me of my own deficiencies”.
Question #2: when you were a young (and older) child, and family members came together, parents, siblings, others- whose approval and attention did you crave, but didn’t get?
In those family gatherings, who did get the attention that you craved?
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.