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Not able to cultivate relationships

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #295945

    HR
    Participant

    Hey folks,

    You are a very kind group and I am hoping that you can help me this time.

    I often feel very lonely and without any purpose. I have a few good friends with whom I can chill individually but nothing like a group of friends with whom I can hangout and chill.

    Secondly, There are many cold friendships in my life as well whom I care for but the same is not reciprocated.

    In most of my friend groups, I feel like an outcast. In most of them, there would be a guy/girl who will be atmax ambivalent towards me. However, that person would be best friends with others.

    Now the problem comes when we hangout as a group. Due to the person I am not on good terms, my friendship and interactions with others are impacted. For example – 4 of us are hanging out. 3 of them engage in many conversations and pull each other’s leg. Usually out of courtesy they include me else they are pranking each other. This happens in most of the groups. Only with my family and a few friends, I feel comfortable enough to share anything or say anything.

    With the continued loneliness, I have started self-doubting and am not comfortable to speak anything in front of someone new.

    Please guide me.

    #295989

    anita
    Participant

    Dear HR:

    You gave an example, four of you hanging out, 3 are engaged in conversations and “pull each other’s leg”, “pranking each other”. Can you elaborate n the pulling each other’s leg/ pranking each other, maybe give examples of what is being said?

    And add how you feel about the pranking, do you feel comfortable with it and with whatever else is discussed between the three- what are the topics discussed and are they of interest to you?

    * I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 17 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.

    anita

    #296141

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi HR,

    People mistakenly think they have A purpose in life. The truth is, they have MANY purposes in life. Right now, your purpose might simply to be a student for right now. And that’s OK!

    As for the friends, I would stick with your family and the few friends you can be yourself with. And YOU feel ambivalent towards the groups at best! Friends will happen. But they will be the real ones.

    Best,

    Inky

    #296179

    HR
    Participant

    Dear @anita Thanks a lot for the response. What I mean by pulling each other’s leg was that all 3 of them bantered continuously among them. So, let’s say we are in a restaurant and a dish is served in each of our plates. So the other three will share from each other but not me. If they are in a playful mood then they will snatch the portion from each other’s plate just for fun. I understand that these are childish but those hurt when I start feeling that I do not mean much to them.

    I’ll mention one other example as well. So recently one of them delivered a project in the office. We are not on good terms and are unconcerned at best for each other (I had a talk with him regarding this and he mentioned that he doesn’t feel much friendship for me.). Now a girl from our group of 5 who is his best friend, got excited and started planning to give the guy presents for his hard work. Others also chimed in and were excited. Since I am not on good terms with the guy, it seemed superfluous for me to spend money on presents. Due to this, my relations with the girl soured and she became distant. I fear very much that a similar thing will happen with the others.

     

    I have started having phobia where I become insecure if my close friends talk or give attention to anyone with whom I am on ambivalent terms. I know this is just a series of What If’s which are clouding my mind. But I cannot seem to shake these off.

     

    Dear @inky , Thanks for your response. I actually do care for the people in my circle but I become unsure if I feel that my friendship with them is threatened due to someone else (Even if it is in my head). How do I shake off this feeling ?

    #296187

    anita
    Participant

    Dear HR:

    I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may want to add to it) and reply when I am back to the computer in about 15 hours from now.

    anita

    #296247

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    I would go out with people individually from within the group. There is no rule that says you HAVE to only get together all at once.

    Inky

    #296249

    anita
    Participant

    Dear HR:

    What I figure, from having read your posts in your two threads, is that in the group you mentioned, and in groups otherwise, you feel anxious and you look anxious, to the others. They can see that you are uptight, uncomfortable, so… they don’t play with you. They play with those who seem comfortable.

    You wrote in your first thread: “Usually, when I am hanging around in a group with my friends, I become anxious”-

    – it there was a camera videotaping the group you described, you would probably able to see that the three people having fun look relaxed, smiling naturally, spontaneously, not in a strained way, and you look uptight, if you smile, it is a strained smile.

    It is similar perhaps to this situation I encounter in my daily walks: I see a dog, not too big, wagging its tail, friendly, seems relaxed, I am likely to talk to the dog in a friendly way, maybe pet him. But if I see a dog of the same size or even smaller, not wagging its tail and growling a bit, with teeth exposed, I get scared and I will not try to pet this dog!

    People get close to and play with people they are not afraid of, not afraid of their reaction. People are afraid of people who seem uptight, afraid of their anger, of what they will do, for example, the friends you mentioned may be afraid that if they snatch a portion of food from your plate, that you will be angry at them, so they don’t do that.

    Do you think this is what has been happening?

    anita

    #298019

    HR
    Participant

    Hi @anita ,

    Thanks a lot for your response.  Truly, you are an angel. I was undergoing a slightly feeling low spell recently and couldn’t muster enough courage to reply. What you have described is exactly what happens. I am not relaxed in the groups which I was referring to earlier.

    Let me go in a bit of depth here. What I think happens in such situations is that I am afraid of opening up as I seek approval of someone in the group. I’ll give an example which will make things more clear. Recently, our college had its annual meetup and my old gang from college was attending it. I was full of energy, enjoying myself and making others laugh until my old friend Reema arrived. Reema is a charismatic girl, full of energy and a person everyone loves. I considered myself as her close friend (only from my side) but I have always craved for her approval which she has rarely provided. I have gone beyond and over for her but probably we don’t click. To attain her approval, I allow myself to be mocked and am not my normal self around her. Coming back to our party, As soon as she arrived my friends drifted towards her and I became conscious yet again. Though I tried to relax but she was on my mind continuously. I started overthinking that she was giving others more attention and even others were enjoying with her. I was craving for approval/attention from her specifically and ignoring others in the process.

    Now, had I been my normal self then I would have enjoyed with others but I was afraid of the condescending laugh or even joking remark. I became normal yet again once she left.

    I know that some of my behavioral traits are not ideal but I would like to improve them. Understanding the problem is probably the first step of the solution.

    Thanks again for bearing with me.

    #298021

    anita
    Participant

    Dear HR:

    You are welcome and thank you for… referring to me as an angel (it feels nice). I read some of your recent post but need to read further and reply to you when I am back to the computer tomorrow morning, about 18 hours from now. Please feel free to add anything you would like before I return.

    anita

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