Dear Kinga:

Thank you for sharing your story and conundrum with us. Your self-awareness and commitment to healing are truly commendable. It’s clear that you have put a lot of thought into understanding your patterns and working on yourself, which is an important step towards finding the right relationship.

It’s understandable that you feel torn between accepting some areas of incompatibility with the wonderful men in your life and holding out for a relationship that offers complete intellectual, emotional, and physical compatibility. This is a common dilemma for many people who are on a journey of self-discovery and growth.

One thing to consider is that no relationship is perfect, and there will always be some areas where partners might not align perfectly. However, it’s important to determine what aspects are non-negotiable for you and what areas you might be willing to compromise on without sacrificing your core values and needs.

Your ongoing healing and self-improvement journey through therapy, meditation, journaling, and reading are incredibly valuable. As you continue to grow and gain clarity, you might find that your perspective on relationships evolves as well.

You wrote: “Instead of acting like a mature, intelligent, strong self, I began to feel anxious, act insecure and overly nice, over-communicating, and completely lost perspective”-

– your description reflects a shift from your mature, intelligent, and strong self to a state dominated by anxiety, insecurity, and over-compensation, a change in behavir that can hinder authentic connections. Being overly nice often means going out of one’s way to please others, trying too hard to be agreeable and accommodating, which can come off as inauthentic or desperate. Over-communicating involves excessive messaging, calling, or sharing more than is necessary, driven by a need for reassurance or fear of losing the other person’s interest.

Losing perspective means failing to see the bigger picture, getting caught up in emotions and losing sight of rational thinking, which can lead to actions that are out of character and decisions that don’t align with her values and goals.

Possible Reasons for this experience: Fear of Rejection, of being Hurt or Judged, Low Self-Esteem, Perfectionism (believing one needs to be perfect to be loved).

If you would like to share more about this, you are welcome to do so, and I will reply further.

Warm regards, anita

Hi Kinga

I’m curious about how you can see that an individual is attractive and not be physically attracted to him?

I can understand the dilemma of wanting a partner that you are attracted to, is kind and also an intellectual equal.

The difficulty being that intellectual men are often not kind. This has been my experience at least. It seems to me that many tend to intellectualise their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.

It is tricky to find someone who meets all criteria and no doubt there will be some other problematic issues that arise if and when you do meet someone who fits that for you. It will take patience.

One thing that I think is important in a relationship is, is the person willing to work on issues when you raise them?

It’s probably important to know that men are generally slower in catching feelings. This might explain why some are scared away when you start developing feelings. In dating, people often go intense at the start then cool off after they get into their regular routine too.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Kinga, how are you in this very beginning of 2025, soon enough to be right, I hope.

anita