Not sure how to keep going. :/

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This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by srk.

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April 11, 2018 at 11:57 pm #201917

The Bard
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I’m gonna skip the past drama. I no longer have friends, and family is torn apart even though I still live with a few of them. We have no relationship.

I meet people just fine, but nothing sticks because no one wants to stick around or actually get to know me or spend time with me. Its Gotten to the point where I feel completely alone.

No one ever wants to go out and do anything, we don’t talk, and I’m having trouble relating to “normal” people problems. I’m not like them and I don’t put myself in situations like them (no drugs, not an alcoholic, no major money /gambling issues).

I’ve been told I’m a good looking guy, but I can’t get a girlfriend because everyone I talk to is always “too busy”. Dating apps are garbage and you just swipe but there is no emotional connections being made.

I’m just tired of it all. I ended up going to the bar and drinking by myself, playing pool then seeing a movie as a distraction but it didn’t really help. I feel completely apathetic and alone. I’ve even lost interest in my favorite hobbies and art.

At this current point in life I have a decent car, a nice job and my coworkers are friendly, but life feels pointless. I feel like everything I’ve ever done up to this point has been meaningless and like I haven’t accomplished anything. I’m almost 30 years old but I feel so empty and alone. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going.

My sister’s birthday is coming up and we’re supposed to go to Chicago, but I’m not excited about it at all. I’ve gotten to the point where I just hate waking up every day.

So what do I do? I feel like giving up on everything. :/

April 12, 2018 at 7:07 am #201965

Anonymous
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Dear The Bard:

Interesting, you wrote: “I’m having trouble relating to ‘normal’ people problems… no drugs, not an alcoholic, no major money/gambling issues”- doesn’t surprise me that drugs, alcohol and money issues is what is normal in your experience. I believe dysfunction is indeed normal, or common.

I wish you were able to meet the few… abnormal people out there. Attempt to, perhaps?

I am also not surprised that in your experience too, “no one wants to.. actually get to know me”- I think most people spend time with others not for the purpose of getting to know them, but so to not be alone, or to distract themselves.

Will be nice if you interacted with at least one person who wants to get to know you, who is motivated to learn more about you. That will give you something to look forward to, won’t it?

anita

April 12, 2018 at 7:59 am #201981
The Bard
Participant
Well that’s the problem, I tried to collect good friends that care, but they don’t seem to exist and didn’t stick around. Then I settled for some crappy friends just to have people to talk to and even they don’t want to hangout anymore (most of them don’t have a driver’s license anymore due to drugs and alcohol) , so I always have to go out alone. The girl I like we get along great in person, but she ditches 90% of our scheduled dates and doesn’t want to text throughout the week because she is “too busy”. I don’t have anyone reliable to talk to or hangout with. :/

Edit: to put it in another way, I’m the only one putting forth effort in building relationships with people and now I feel burned out with trying. Thus, I feel alone.
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by The Bard.
April 12, 2018 at 8:20 am #201989

Anonymous
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Dear The Bard:

If I remember correctly, from a previous thread, someone described you as a “cool cucumber”, correct? And I think you agreed with that term. If so, can you tell me more about what it means, to you?

anita

April 12, 2018 at 9:31 am #202021

nextsteps
Participant

Hello!

I logged in to reply as what you wrote I literally could have written about myself and mmy life. I don’t have any specific advice to give you but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I think many other people (not just us two) feel like this and teach a point where life feels stagnant and meaningless-i think that’s where for some people the alcohol and drugs come in as a distraction from that.

Things that have made me feel slightly less alone are to:

Release expectations from my friends. I read somewhere that if you go out specifically to avoid rejection you are more likely to find it as it’s kinda like the very thing you don’t want. I have done many things to make new friends e.g. classes etc but the times I have made friends is when I did something I really wanted to do for myself (in this case it was volunteering on a farm) and met vet students that way when I didn’t expect too. The same thing may happen to you. What hobbies/classes/courses do you currently do or want to Do? I have also been on a national trust working holiday which helped me to keep busy and make new connections- not friends though.

Keep busy. This can seem pointless and just ike another distraction e.g. like your idea of watching a film, but when you are busy you have less time to dwell. It’s like an escape for a short time.

I also have recently started to go to therapy face to face (not quite as scary as it sounds but almost there!) And I have also done online therapy too and that helps as it’s an independent perspective on your life which can help when you feel low.

Perhaps look into spirituality or the like. I like YouTube videos by Jason gallant or I could recommend a few books if you were interested in that?

I’m guessing you have already thought of all these things so I’m sorry I can’t be of much help. I would just say I feel like it is hard to make lasting friendships rather than aquaintences with people these days too. It can feel like you are trying super hard and not getting much back which is frustrating. I would just say perhaps reach out to old friends you have lost touch with (I have done this recently) or just try and accept that right now in your life things are just quieter- BUT you have made good friends before and you will make them again. 🙂

Another thing is that I have a boyfriend but j often feel lonely e.g. I’ve just finished work and although I’ve spent the day chatting to colleagues I don’t feel like I have made a meaningful connection with any of them so I do feel alone. So having someone else in your life does not guarantee not feeling lonely.

I hope you are okay. 🙂

April 12, 2018 at 9:36 am #202029

nextsteps
Participant

Also just whilst I think about it. I think many people reach the stage of realising that a car, decent job, house etc e.g. all the material things that you grow up with people telling you that you want and need, you actually don’t e.g. when you get them you don’t feel that happy. I have read many books where this has happened and also experienced that in my own life too. I think that’s fairly xommon. Hopefully another member will post about how to get round that as although I can identify that I feel the same, I don’t know what to do about it either..

April 12, 2018 at 10:55 am #202061

The Bard
Participant

@Anita thanks for replying. The girl I like said it because of my ability to suppress emotions and remain calm and make rational choices during stressful situations. That particular day I was a Keyholder at work and we had a lot of call-offs and I was the only manager in the store (I take work seriously so I normally didn’t call-off), everything was really crazy because we didn’t have enough people to complete all the tasks. Due to the fact that I stayed calm and kept the store in order, she said “Nothing gets to Ash, he’s cool as a cucumber”.

@Nextsteps Thanks for the advice. I studied many different religions and cultures over the years, tried my luck with learning new languages and teaching English as well, it all helped for awhile but, I don’t know, it didn’t feel satisfying. For now all I’m doing is working, no hobbies or volunteering. I kind of lost interest. I really like photography so maybe I’ll take a class for that, but most are really expensive. Since I’m feeling apathetic it doesn’t really feel appealing right now. I noticed I’ve started drinking more too. I’m going to become like my crappy drunk friends soon. Ugh…

April 12, 2018 at 11:27 am #202077

Anonymous
Guest

Dear The Bard:

I am at a loss as to why you are alone and lonely. You read like an intelligent man, engaging, kind and gracious. Calm and rational reads like a very attractive feature to me. And so, outside the context of drinking and using drugs (which you don’t do, another attractive thing about you), I have no idea why people who you reach out to, don’t reciprocate.

If you have any ideas as to why, please let me know.
* Will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

anita

April 12, 2018 at 3:42 pm #202135

The Bard
Participant

Well that’s the frustrating part, it feels like I’m doing something wrong since I can’t make any lasting connections. I’m going to have to start lowering my standards considerably just to keep friends and get a girlfriend…. But I imagine long term that’ll just create more problems down the road because we don’t have anything in common.

April 13, 2018 at 2:45 am #202175

Anonymous
Guest

Dear The Bard:

What specifically do you mean by lowering your standards?

Another thing, body language, what do you think you communicate to others, particularly to women you are interested in, outside of words?

anita

April 13, 2018 at 9:15 am #202225

srk
Participant

Hi The Bard,

I can relate myself a lot with this post. I do not have any friends or any meaningful relationships whatsoever. I tried cultivating friendships but they would all go cold. After sometime I stopped trying. I feel lonely and forlorn all the time. Nobody really cares or looks out for me. Not even my relatives and family members. I being an introvert does not help either. Like you I am sober most of the time.

Let me share with you a few things that I do. I hope it will help you. I have stopped keeping lofty expectations from people. I do not try to make any relationship go down a particular path, allowing it to take its course, even if it runs its course. I try taking things one day at a time. No matter what comes out of a relationship, good or bad, I do not judge it. I just become aware of my feelings, physical and emotional, and stay on it for a while. I do not suppress or express it, I just observe. It subsides after a while. Unlike before, I smile at people. I try to enjoy the small talk. Nothing too deep or elaborate. Just a little chat. For a short while. Since I am an introvert, this intimidates me sometimes. But I still give it a shot.

Besides, this is a downside to our generation. People are glued to their smartphones all the time. Technology and apps have taken over our lives. Nobody hardly wants personal relationships. You are not alone out there. Most of us feel this way. I have felt the way you feel for most part of my life.

May 2, 2018 at 9:03 am #205237

Sandra
Participant

Hi there,

I have had a lot of the problems that you describe, and I believe you when you say that it’s hard. In my case, I have trouble building relationships because of emotional problems, and so I’ve started doing psychotherapy and it helps a lot. I’ve changed a lot since starting therapy, and my relationships have really improved.

If you’re not interested in trying therapy, maybe you could try asking people how they see you. The girl you like, for example, maybe you could ask her why she cancels 90 percent of your plans. You would have to ask her to be honest, though, and tell her that it’s because you want to work on yourself and improve your relationships.

Or maybe you could try asking someone you don’t see anymore, or someone you went on a date with once and it didn’t work out. I’ve found that people often want to help out by telling you honestly how they felt around, or why the friendship/relationship didn’t work. Then maybe this would help you figure out how to change to have better relationships.

You could also try some self-help books, as corny as it sounds, on friendships and relationships. This might help you figure out what you need to change or improve on.

Hope this helps,

: )
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