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not sure if it's severe self-esteem issues or if he was giving me red flags?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #317853

    K
    Participant

    I (F25) met him (M24) at this shitty little dive bar in our city. It was one of the first few times I’ve been there, and my drunk friend yelled across the room at him for me to give him my number because I had recently started dating again and she thought I needed a new distraction. I was definitely attracted to him initially, but I wanted to wait to make plans to see if I had a true interest to go on a date with him. He said he wanted to get to know me and that I was beautiful, a thought that sounded so relaxing and what I needed to hear at the time. I didn’t text him back very often, but on New Years’ Eve while all my coupled friends were kissing at midnight I decided to reach out and wish him a happy holiday. He had a kindness about him that made me feel comfortable and on our first date, he spoke so intelligently – something that I’ve been missing from most dates and potential dates I’ve had. I wanted to meet someone organically – not on a dating app and I felt like it was happening.

    I got swept off my feet through our dates with our dogs, learning how much we had in common, and showing me places around the city that I’ve never been to. I loved meeting his friends and it turned out we had a lot of friends in common.

    The first time I lost my cool was around his birthday about 3 months in. I had bought him a fancy beer that I enjoyed and had a large joint rolled. He didn’t invite me along with his friends so I drank his beer and smoked the weed. I also drunkenly and frantically texted him while being cheered on by my girlfriend that “yeah, it’s weird he doesn’t want birthday sex… what’s he out doing then?” I proceeded to be a wacko and confront him with a paragraph on not being on the same page as me. He completely ignored it. Didn’t say a word. I thought THANK GOD the next morning when he just said hello and asked what my plans were. He still read the damn text though, obviously.

    Then a month later he goes to the beach where his half brother lives. He’s drunk about 80% of the time. Posting videos of him on snapchat hanging on some girl and saying, “hey baby, what’s your name?” just to show his sleeze-ball friends what trash hoochies were on the beaches of Florida. I commented “cute” and ignored him for days until he got back. He texted many times and I didn’t respond until I was bored and asked him to come over and talk. We talked it out. I told him he was being gross, he knew he was and apologized.

    A month later I am now paranoid about what he does at the bar/on vacation after I saw his videos he so publicly posted for everyone to see. He goes on another trip to St. Louis. I get a little self-conscious, try to dirty talk, don’t get a response really or a goodnight text. We’re almost 5 months in at this point. I check Instagram’s activity feed and see he’s liked some rando girl from St. Louis pictures from weeks ago. I tell him I don’t know if I can do this anymore and he’s caught off-guard and doesn’t know why. I then see him start following some more trash bimbos with their boobs clearly out all the time. He comes home, I forgive him and tell myself I’m the crazy one for looking at his activity and for freaking out about a follow or like on social media. I never told him what I saw really, but did mention the way guys hit on me at the bar is by asking for my Instagram handle. I unfollow him on all social media to try and help the situation.

    This whole time I am asking friends for advice. Two of my best friends live in the city. One felt I was being crazy, don’t worry about girls on Instagram, only pay attention to how he treats you when he’s around. The other friend saying she heard he may have cheated on his ex-girlfriend (confirmed, he didn’t), but that people don’t think he’s a good person, I should give up etc. The entire time I had this gut feeling to let him go but I never did. I just tried to work through it alone in my head and forgive him.

    He was everything I ever wanted. Smart, funny, loves and is educated on nature, sexy in a way you can only see when you know him. We bonded over similar interests and our dogs. Greattt sex. I was comfortable around him and he was quirky and the most interesting man I’ve ever met. I loved his friends, dad, cousins from what I’ve met. I could really see a future with him, so I let all the red flags go. I had never been in love before. I’ve been in relationships where my exes usually repulsed me half the time and I never could see them as my husband. I finally felt love with someone and I didn’t even know I could feel these feelings.

    It was 8 months in and I was drunk and feeling lonely while I was squatting at a friend’s empty apartment when I was in-between apartments and brought up Instagram. I texted and asked how he met this maddi girl from st. louis because he continuously likes all her posts and never mine. He never answered and took a few days to think, told me he hasn’t touched anyone since we started dating, explained he was new to Instagram (he was) and we went on a break. We saw eachother by accident one night a week later and worked things out again.

    10 months now and I brought up an issue that was bothering me, when I was drunk, of course. I had wanted to come over after my friends and I were leaving the bar but he was still out, responded with a short “No” when I asked if he was home. Which really pissed drunk me off. I had asked why he acts like a different person when he’s drinking and why he doesn’t ever invite me out with his friends and cousins. I asked if he was embarrassed by me. I didn’t get an answer, only the the next day he told me he went out to the country with his dog “to get away from things.” He said he feels “lost.” I wanted to talk it out, he wanted more space so I told him I’d be here if he ever needed to talk about anything. I now believe I’m being ghosted because he hasn’t responded and I would completely understand if he would like to end this. He’s not the best communicator either but I thought it was something we could work on.

    First off, I know my insecurities got the best of me here. I know he didn’t cheat, and I know he wasn’t dating anyone else. He was mesmerized by me at first but my lack of communication and extreme ability to be jealous and to lash out unexpectedly and drunk had ruined this many times. I’m in pain. I have severe self-esteem issues I need to work out. I made him the bad guy many times, even though he messed up sometimes – I made out with someone while he was on a trip and hooked up with an ex. We weren’t exclusive at the time but months later he told me he was calling me his girlfriend for months.

    I feel like this relationship is over because of the most petty things and it could have been beautiful. I just need advice on how to get over this. How to stop going out and drinking so much as a 25 years old because it makes me act like a child (especially now that I’m ~possibly~ newly single.) How will I ever meet someone and have a full love life if I so desperately sabotage everything in my path.

    I didn’t mention all the good things he’s done for me. I always think our love will out-weigh the bickering and the questions of commitment and this is showing me how wrong I am. I’m 100% lost, depressed, anxious. I picked up smoking again. I feel naive, used, fucked-over, confused and crazy. We never said I love you but I wanted to for months. I haven’t told any of my friends because I’m sure they’re so over hearing about my roller coaster relationship so I’m dealing with this alone. I guess I just really need advice on how to avoid this in the future.

    • This topic was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by  K.
    #317877

    anita
    Participant

    Dear K:

    I will be able to read your post and reply when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I am back to your thread.

    anita

    #317903

    GL
    Participant

    Dear K,

    Both you and your ex(?) has communications issues. But lets focus on you since you started this topic.

    You met a person whom you feel attraction to, but like many people in their twenties, have yet to figure out to talk to other people and ironically the other person is also in their twenties. Though you’ve spent time and some effort in getting to know this person, you don’t know how to tell him about yourself. You don’t know how to tell him about your insecurities, your weakness, your jealousy, your frustration, etc. So when he does something that trigger something in you that makes it seems as if the world was dead set on getting you, you lashed out. You lashed out in violent waves of texts, and then waiting for his response, to see if he has had enough of having to deal with you and your emotional outburst. You lashed out because that’s the only way you know how to communication your fear to this person who might or might not accept this side of you. But as you’ve gotten to understand, making the other the person the ‘bad guy’ will not help you work out the issues of your self-esteem nor is calling others ‘bimbo’ going to help make you feel better. Superior, maybe, but not better. After all, he is not the one who decides whether you have self-esteem, that’s all on you.

    So what does a twenties something female do when she has self-esteem issues who is drinking all the while to numb those feelings away and who lashes out while drunk? Well, first off, good on you for noticing and admitting these things. It is not easy to admit to ourselves how we think we might be failing as human beings. Second, go get help. You need help. You yourself have stated that you have self-esteem issues that are clearly circling your head, but you don’t seem to have seek help for that. Why? Or maybe you did and it wasn’t a great experience. Well, you’ll have to try it again with a different professional then, until you find the person who can listen and help. You feel lost so more than ever, you need someone who will help you draw your own map of emotions and thoughts and whys and whats and anything else that you need to see for yourself. You need to see yourself.

    But you know what? It’s fine to be lost. People get lost all the time. The problem is choosing a path as you wander around. And it could be any path, it doesn’t have to be the right one. But it does have to be one you can believe in and commit to. So commit to something, no matter how lost you feel. The important point is that you take action in some way. And once you do, it becomes easier to take another step, and another and another. And you might fall and fail in the first step or the second or the third. Get up anyway. You’ve already decided to commit for yourself this act of taking a step so continue to take that step. Even if you fail, continue until you’ve found a semblance of the outcome you were hoping for. But don’t take actions based on your perception of someone’s perception of you. These actions must be based on doing something good for yourself, not others.

    Good luck.

    #318033

    anita
    Participant

    Dear K:

    In July of this year you wrote: “(I) grew up with a father who cheated on and deeply hurt my mother. Watching her in so much pain at age of 7-13 definitely hurt me and my relationships”-

    – I wonder if the reason you used the terms “trash hoochies” and “trash bimbos” for women is the anger you felt as a child for the women your father cheated with.

    Our intense emotional experiences of childhood are very powerful and often affect us lifetime. I suppose your attitude toward women and your distrust and suspicion of men are deeply rooted in your 7-13 experience that ended 12 years ago but.. didn’t really end.

    You mentioned maybe seeking therapy back in July. Maybe that is next for you?

    anita

    #318353

    K
    Participant

    thank you both. i’ve looked into therapy. I think it’s hard for me to realize someone may know about me than myself because of how much research i’ve done to figure out what is wrong with me. but there are people trained and they are helping people every day for a reason and will help me take those steps.

     

    as for the negative connotation to the females I felt threatened by, you’re absolutely right. I think I used those words to portray my emotions and anger and betrayal I felt, also while showing my insecurities. I do love people, but when it comes to someone threatening my relationship (like my parents) it is deeply triggering. it’s like I want someone who only sees me as beautiful and doesn’t look the direction of anyone else, but that’s not possible and the relationships that I did feel that stability in were never true love for me.

    i’m scared I lost my soulmate. but if I hadn’t met him and actually felt the feelings of love for the first time in my life, these issues that I need help for and have been pushing away would have never came to surface.

    #318431

    anita
    Participant

    Dear K:

    “It’s like I want someone who  only sees me as beautiful and doesn’t look the direction of anyone else, but that’s not possible”-

    – it is possible only if a man is unable to see, that is, blind. Or very secluded, as in you and him living in an island, just the two of you, and no TV or magazines and such.

    But even a blind man can be attracted to a woman’s voice he hears nearby. And a man living with you on an island, just the two of you, still has images stored in his brain of women he saw before, women he had sex with, and as you and this man sit by the water of the ocean, he may be holding those images in mind.

    I too was very jealous this way, obsessed, really. I felt very threatened by the thought that this man is thinking of another woman, or is attracted to one, or is replaying memories with another woman. This obsession was fueled by certain childhood experiences of mine.

    If you want to communicate with me on the topic- maybe it will help you- please do.

    anita

    #318543

    K
    Participant

    yes I would love to. that sounds very similar to how my mind works.

     

    childhood experiences – even when you become aware of them, how do you heal from these experiences? I wish it was easy to rewire your brain

    #318545

    anita
    Participant

    Dear K:

    If only it was easy to rewire one’s brain so that we feel good (at all times) and function well. But it is possible, only it takes a long, long time of intentional, persistent work- very difficult but what is the better option???

    “childhood experiences- even when you become aware of them, how do you heal from these experiences?” healing/ rewiring the brain, this is how you do  it:

    Let’s say you are dating a man and you start feeling very jealous, very troubled about an ex girlfriend that he had, worrying that he is thinking about her, worrying that he wishes he was with her and whatnot. You are so  distressed that you are suffering and no longer enjoying his company. You feel hurt and angry even though he is in no contact with his ex girlfriend and gave you no  indication that he is obsessed with her. You ask him question after question, hoping the right answer will make you feel better, but you never get that right answer and he feels more and more uncomfortable. In turn, you feel bad and the beginning relationship is in trouble- this is the current, here-and-now situation.

    What is happening in this example, is that your childhood experience (“I.. grew up with a father who cheated on and deeply hurt my mother. Watching her in so much pain at ag 7-13 definitely hurt me”) is dominating/ overshadowing your present experience with this man you are dating- you don’t really see him, you see your father. And you don’t really feel your feelings regarding this man, you feel your (perceived) mother’s feelings regarding her husband (your father).

    The answer/solution (simplified)- every time you feel jealousy and anger at the man you are dating, shift your thinking to the childhood experience, remember you at 7 seeing and hearing your mother suffering over her husband’s cheating. Remember how you felt, remember that long- ago situation.

    This way you are removing your current jealousy and distress from the current situation and connecting it (re-wiring) to the past situation. Sort of peeling the past off from the present, leaving the present to itself,  being what it is.

    This way you can see with clarity what is really happening in the present/ the here-and-now, and feel accordingly (instead of re-experiencing the past).

    anita

     

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