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Not sure I'm ready for a ready-made family…….

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Orion 1 month ago.

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  • #294607

    Orion
    Participant

    I’ve been dating this woman for 1 year and 2 months and don’t know if I should stay with her or move on from the situation. We have an emotional connection and love each other, but there’s a lot of built-up resentment that’s pushed us apart. We both went into this relationship with the intent of being married someday. It was great up until about 6 months into the relationship she told me that her 8 year old daughter’s father was moving away and she’d have her full-time. I like being a good male role model and have been fairly involved with her daughter, taking her to do things and playing with her and such. I don’t know if I really want to be her stepdad or take on that responsibility. Her biological father is still in the picture and videochats with her on a semi-regular basis. She also visits him during the summer. I had no issues with him until I realized he’s pretty much abandoned the last two kids he’s had and has now moved away to have yet another one with another woman. He does nothing to help with his daughter yet she worships his very existence. I’ve been a bit on the defense and have stepped back a bit because I don’t know how involved I want to be in this situation. Many days I feel like I should step away and try to meet someone without children and possibly start my own family one day. I’m almost 32 and am starting to feel that pressure that I need to make things happen in my life or it will be too late (and I don’t want to be the old guy trying to date younger women later in life). I also have pretty low self-esteem, admittedly, which makes going out and trying to meet other people less than exciting. My girlfriend and I don’t have all that much in common, however, which also makes things stressful. I’d like to meet someone who really enjoys hiking, road biking, kayaking, etc. She just doesn’t seem to have the energy for those things. I understand that being a parent is tough and can wear on you. I think she does a great job managing it. But if I’m being honest with myself, I’d almost prefer to try to meet someone I have more in common with. I’m also afraid she’s going to leave me because I’m not really ready to jump all-in. She’d probably be better off meeting someone who already has children. Sometimes I think I should just jump all-in and accept everything as it is. I’m afraid of losing her because I’ve always struggled with breakups. I’ve never been strong enough to break it off completely with someone. I’ll typically push them away until they don’t want to be with me anymore, which probably hurts more now that I think about it. We’ve really been there for each other during tough times. Doing the whole family thing has been nice some days. My anxiety gets in the way of fully enjoying it. I’m beginning therapy just a little over a week from now and hope to start figuring things out. I’m just lost as to what to do and don’t want to regret leaving a situation that could be a decent one if I change my thinking. She’s even mentioned liking the idea of having another child if we got married one day. I’m so lost and don’t know how to move forward. Thank you for any thoughts you can share on this….

     

    #294617

    Mark
    Participant

    Orion,

    There are stages in a relationship and it is usually around this time that the honeymoon stage is over and transitions into the more serious stage… or not.

    You are building a case of not wanting to be with your gf; not wanting to be a step father, not having things in common with her, having more energy than her.  Also you have identified your own personal issues of the lack of self esteem, that you lack the courage and integrity to breakup with someone you don’t want to be with by being passive-aggressive.   You mentioned some specified some built up resentment as well.

    You said you have started therapy.  Good for you.  You owe it to this woman to be clear on whether or not you are going to move forward with her sooner rather than later.

    In your post, you have not mentioned any of the reasons why you want to stay with her, only reasons why it is not working for you.  I suggest that you fully look at yourself and be clear on what you want in a long term, marriage partner.  Also be clear what you can truly give to the relationship, can you really love this person, with not only your heart but in terms of deeds and actions.

    Mark

     

    #294629

    Orion
    Participant

    Very, very well said, Mark. Thank you so much.

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