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Not sure what to understand

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  • #369932
    User34
    Participant

    Hello,

    I hope everyone is healthy and as well as it is possible during these weird times.

    From my last topic, I went through a lot of feelings, but ultimately I am feeling a better.

    Meanwhile, I started going back to the office and I met “someone”? I am not sure how to name it, since it is the subject of this topic. I met a guy at work and I started to have some feelings for him, I do like him, he seems to be a nice and balanced individual and is kind with me. We see each other daily for a few months at work, I eventually gave him my phone number (he did not ask for it).

    I am a bit confused at times and I don’t know how to interpret his behavior. For example, he hugs me sometimes, guides me when we walk together, we text during break times but he did not ask me out, and we don’t speak / text outside work hours. He mentioned that he had some kind of a bad breakup (I don’t know the details or how long ago it happened, since I felt it would be inappropriate to ask).  I am not sure if he might like me back, but my question is, would it be ok to simply ask him? I am scarred sometimes either that I am just imagining things or that maybe that is just the way he is and I am not interpreting it correctly, or that he is just a bit bored etc..

    I would appreciate any opinion and/ or advice.

    Thank you!

    #369934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear User34:

    Welcome back!

    His behavior and what he  told you: “he hugs me sometimes, guides me when we walk together, we text during break times but he did not ask me out, and we don’t speak/ text outside work hours. He mentioned that he had some kind of a bad  breakup”.

    Your question: “would it be ok to simply ask him? I am scared sometimes either that I am just imagining things or that maybe that is just the way he is and I am not interpreting it correctly, or that he is just a bit bored etc.. I would appreciate any opinion and/ or advice”-

    – my short answer/ advice: what is clear to me at this point- assuming he is a sane, reasonable person with no evil plans- is that in his mind, he is not dating you, he is not your boyfriend/ partner. What is not clear to me is whether he wishes to date you and/ or to be your boyfriend.

    There is no way for any woman in your place to  “read” his mind, to know his thoughts (beyond what he tells you), his feelings (beyond the little that may be apparent sometimes in his facial/bodily expressions), his motivations, his lifestyle and plans for his future.

    The only two ways to find out are to either hire a private detective or to ask him questions. I am assuming you don’t have plans to hire a private detective; therefore, the only way for you to find out his thoughts, feelings, motivations, etc.- is to ask him, and then evaluate his answers and perhaps ask follow-up questions.

    I would suggest that ask him a question or two, at this point,  in a very casual way, so that it is possible to keep a friendly, professional relationship with him- with minimal or no awkwardness-  in the future, given the two of you are co-workers.

    The long answer/ extended input- you wrote in your previous thread: “I might also perceive the reality in a distorted manner.. I am going to try stay in contact with reality, and not in my imagination”- one of the thought-distortions taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is called emotional reasoning, meaning we feel something, so we believe it is true. For example, a woman is infatuated with a guy, she sees him smiling at her, she wants to much to believe that he is infatuated with her too, so she .. believes that he is, that his smile means that he is infatuated with her.

    You wrote in your previous thread, regarding another guy: “it’s about our good moments, sometimes about the bad ones. It is still strange for me to think they are both coming from the same person- e.g. being kind and caring, then yelling or accusing and insulting me”- another thought distortion taught in CBT is called “all or nothing”- it is about our tendency to see a person or a situation as this or that, instead of seeing it as this and that.

    I will be glad, in the context of this thread, to help you with these two common thought distortions and see the reality of your situation as it is.

    anita.

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