September 18, 2019 at 8:16 am #312913
@anita, I am able to support myself. It just feels as though I’m falling through the cracks. I have a hard time doing minor tasks because I feel drained and just can’t find the purpose of doing things anymore.September 18, 2019 at 8:52 am #312921
You recently graduated university but with a low GPA. You have never been employed, and you are in your early twenties, I am guessing. You live with your parents. While in university you suffered from inflamed and highly reactive bowels which caused you a massive loss of weight as well as temporary (or permanent?) hair loss. As well as the distress which brought about your low GPA.
You wrote earlier about listening to music: “the music just makes me feel even more upset and reminds me of the life I used to have. I was a brilliant person and everyone believed I would accomplish great things. Now, here I sit, trying to pick up the pieces of what is left”-
– before I continue, I need to ask: who told you that you are “a brilliant person” before you got sick, and who is “everyone” in “everyone believed I would accomplish great things”?
anitaSeptember 19, 2019 at 6:23 am #313063September 19, 2019 at 7:39 am #313067
When a young child is asked: what do you want to be when you grow up? (a common question asked when I was a child), the child often answers: an astronaunt, or a hero, or a movie star or.. something big, something brilliant, something famous and flashy.
We all start life with big dreams, thinking everything is possible for us, a wonder-full life.
When a young child presents a drawing she did in kindergarten to her parents, she thinks that her drawing is a wonder-full work of art, the one and only of its kind. She doesn’t yet know every child thinks that about her or his drawing in kindergarten.
Now, let’s take a break from a young child’s world of wonder and fast forward to the adults we see in street corners, the homeless. These homeless adults were these children with a great imagination of how wonderful life will be. They were born with the same intelligence as other children, same hope, same wonder- what happened to them?
Life happened. For many, a severely dysfunctional home they were born into. For many, it was bullying in school, suffering aggression. For some it is a physical disease or accidents that damaged their bodies… life happened.
In your case, you got sick and the distress caused you to not be able to study well and you got poor grades in university. You lost weight and your hair.. you suffered a significant setback in life. But you are still alive, still intelligent, you can still do well in life.
If you walk through a forest, you will see trees growing straight up, tall and straight. But you will see other trees bent over, having suffered an injury, there is a bending. But they still grow, only a bit sideway.
Nature finds a way to keep growing, keep living, in spite of injuries, taking a round-away direction, according to many creative solutions that are inherent to nature.
G- let go of the old dreams, akin to the dreams of a young child- those dreams almost never come true.
Don’t mourn what could have been for the rest of your life. More than 99% of people don’t get to live the lives they imagined for themselves when young.
Look at your reality as it is now. See reality accurately and plan your life according to logic that is available to us humans and according to creativity that is inherent to nature. Use these two things and you will make a good life for yourself.
anitaSeptember 22, 2019 at 7:08 am #313533
@anita, while I appreciate your insight, it is much easier said than done. I am broken and exhausted with life. I understand that reality never really does match up with dreams, it is hard to let go of the dreams you truly wanted to come true. While some may say this is a sign of weakness and moving on is crucial, I simply have a hard time letting go of what life once was. I mourn, every single day. I wake up wondering why I’m alive and breathing. It truly is a horrible cycle and I wish I could break free. But, for now, I am unable to see the larger picture.September 22, 2019 at 8:07 am #313539
If it is okay with you to answer the following, please do:
What is your daily life like, currently, what does a day in your life look like, morning to evening?
And within a typical, current day in your life, how is your health condition express itself?
anitaSeptember 24, 2019 at 8:10 am #313967
@anita, my health condition expresses itself by me running to the bathroom a few times during the day. I have trouble sleeping, so I tend to sleep very late and rise early due to panic and fear. From there, I get upset and cry. Which triggers me to run to the bathroom with nausea and eventual need to throw up.September 24, 2019 at 9:40 am #313993
I re-read your posts. I am putting together what you shared, your own words, but the sentences are not necessarily in the order you posted them. Regardless of the order, the integrity of what you shared is not interrupted in the following:
“I was diagnosed with a hyperactive and hypersensitive bowel with frequent spasms… my health condition expresses itself by me running to the bathroom a few times during the day. I have trouble sleeping, so I tend to sleep very late and rise early due to panic and fear. From there, I get upset and cry. Which triggers me to run to the bathroom with nausea and eventual need to throw up.
Life feels so pointless. I have no desire to live anymore… feeling so weak and defeated…I lost myself.. I am broken and exhausted… I let my condition get the best of me.. I didn’t handle my situation well…. everyone believed I would accomplish great things…I should have been stronger and risen up to the challenge”.
My input this morning: other people before (“professors, peers, and mentors”) who believed that you would “accomplish great things” were correct. You can accomplish great things, only what those great things are has changed. Those great things used to be getting a high GPA in college, getting a high paying job and whatnot, but these are not the great things for you to accomplish at this time in your life. There are other great things for you to accomplish these very days and for the next few months.
Your only job, only goal for the remaining of this year, is to stay at home and run to the bathroom fewer times per day. Even better, walk to the bathroom fewer times per day instead of running. Also, sleep earlier and wake up later. And take a very short walk outside in a month or so, all by yourself. Another and most important great thing for you to accomplish is to feel better, not just physically, but emotionally in every way.
The nature of the challenge and the “great things” for you to accomplish has changed. But there are still significant things to accomplish. You have a goal, a reason to live- to accomplish great things.
You let the condition get the best of you. Time to take the best of you back and let the best of you determine your life, not the condition.
Practically, there is a huge connection between anxiety/ panic and bowel dysfunction. Including the sensation of vomiting. I clearly remember the sensation of vomiting in times of acute anxiety. And I have been diagnosed and suffering from anxiety and IBS for many years myself, having experienced much improvement since my anxiety is significantly lower.
What practical suggestions and instructions were you given by health professionals so far, including by the therapist you have been seeing, so to reduce your anxiety and manage your bowel condition?
anitaSeptember 25, 2019 at 7:58 am #314223
@anita, I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years. Every time I fall into a bout of depression and anxiety, my coping mechanisms never seem to work. It’s strange since I have all the tools, but am unable to implement them effectively. I’m actively fighting off the ability to remain calm. For my condition, I was on medication for several months. However, as my symptoms eased, I came off the medication with the help of my doctor. Now that my symptoms are back, I have yet to get back on the medication.September 25, 2019 at 8:16 am #314229
I have a few questions in my effort to understand better:
1. What was the medication that eased your symptoms before and which you are considering taking again?
2. How was your life like when you took the medication and your “symptoms eased”- how much better was your daily life (running to the bathroom, sleeping late, waking up early, crying a lot etc.)?
3. What are “all the tools” suggested to you in therapy, and was Mindfulness/ guided meditation part of those tools? Can you detail your separate experience with the list of tools?
anitaSeptember 26, 2019 at 4:14 am #314405
1. The medication I took previously was to ease my severe reflux and bowel spasms. Since I’m nauseous every morning and spitting up bile, my reflux is triggered and I am unable to eat.
2. My life was much better in terms of sleep and eating. However, my anxiety remained.
3. Coping mechanisms from CBT sessions.September 26, 2019 at 6:41 am #314421
1. Consider taking that medication again to ease your sever reflux and bowel spasms and add a second medication to ease the anxiety, maybe an SSRI, maybe something else. A psychiatrist should be involved in prescribing a medication for your anxiety.
2. Google Mark Williams Mindfulness guided meditation series and listen to the first in the series. You may be able to benefit from it before or after starting on the anxiety medication. Try the first and let me know how it was for you, will you?