September 12, 2019 at 9:27 am #311811
I am new to tiny buddha and thought I’d give this a try.
I recently graduated from university and had a terrible experience as I was diagnosed with a chronic illness in my second year. My grades fell, and I graduated with an extremely low GPA. I am at this point in life where I see others succeeding, going to graduate school, and finding paths in their careers. Currently, I am confused as to where I am going and what I should be doing. I have never worked due to my illness and advisories against doctors. Everyday, I wake up in the morning and cry because life feels so pointless. I have no desire to live anymore, nor do I have the energy to keep going. School was the only thing I had going for me and I was great at it. But, once my grades began falling, I lost myself. I lost myself so quickly, I couldn’t keep tract of what had happened. Whenever I look at my family, I cannot help but apologize profusely for feeling so weak and letting them down. I’ve been in therapy for almost 2 years now, and I just can’t continue living like this anymore.
I could really use some encouraging words and positive vibes. It just hurts too much.
Thank you for listening.September 12, 2019 at 10:19 am #311895
Do you feel comfortable sharing about the nature of your chronic illness, if you do, I will read about it online (Wikipedia) so to get an understanding of your situation.
anitaSeptember 12, 2019 at 1:46 pm #311937
I’m sorry to hear your struggling.
“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
Now that school is finished it appears your mourning the future you imagined before the illness. There is a time for all things and that includes mourning.
Your reaching out so now may be a time to move on from where you’re at.
Meditation and mindfulness may be helpful tools getting to a place where you can accept your situation. I might also seek out professional help in dealing with your depression.
I wish you well. Be kind to yourself
When in a similar emotional state, I found the book ‘Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life’ by Philip Simmons. The book helped me put things in perspective.September 12, 2019 at 6:04 pm #311977
Greetings Anita and Peter.
I thank you abundantly for replying to my thread.
In response to Anita, I was diagnosed with a hyperactive and hypersensitive bowel with frequent spasms, accompanied by symptoms of IBS. While some may think it is a common condition, the condition caused me to have elevated inflammatory markers, excessive loss of hair, and a severe loss in weight (approximately 30-40 pounds in one month). It all happened suddenly.
Peter, the quote which you have provided brought me to tears. Mourning a life you expected is the hardest thing one can do. I will definitely read the book you have suggested.
Thank you both for your time and care. I wish you well.
September 12, 2019 at 9:55 pm #311991
- This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by G.
The pain of the physical condition and the pain of losing the life that you yearned for as a result of it is something that can be very difficult to deal with.
The thing that has helped with that is first an acceptance of what is happening, a reappraisal of the possibilities that are remaining. An objective listing of weaknesses and strengths with positive actions addressed at overcoming the weakness and building on strengths has also helped. The journey in to the new life is not easy and constant reminders of what could have been can consistently cause pain. Accept that too.
While the disability is in itself limiting, make a firm commitment to yourself not to give yourself additional pain by the process of blaming yourself. You are not responsible for what has happened to you.
You are concerned about your family. Make them proud of you by facing your difficulty head on and doing the best you can. The process will not be easy. There will be ups and downs but as long as you commit and act to always getting up, you will find yourself looking forward to life and its challenges.
Wish you the best.September 13, 2019 at 4:40 am #312041
Alopecia (hair loss) runs in our family, and this is how the girls handle it: OWN your baldness. I’m giving you the same advice: Own your condition and the symptoms that go with it.
You are now thin so if you shave your head and put makeup on, you will OWN that look! Be the spokesperson for your condition. Start a website and be a beacon of hope for the millions of others who have this issue!
InkySeptember 13, 2019 at 8:02 am #312071
I’m so sorry that you are feeling so awful. There is only one thing for you to do and that is to accept yourself exactly as you are in the present moment. Even if you can’t go to school, there are all manner of on-line subjects and courses that you can study and I am sure that you will be able to take them at your own pace.
You have a debilitating condition for which you do not have to apologize. You have not let your family down. Upsetting yourself in this way just makes things worse.
You have received some kind replies and suggestions. I hope you can draw strength and comfort from them.
PeggySeptember 13, 2019 at 11:37 am #312121
Chronic bowel troubles are always distressing, I know from personal experience. When I experience such distress, I automatically feel anxious. But I made progress in recent months: when I feel bowel-trouble and the anxiety that shows up right after, I do my best to relax, to take slower breaths, to feel calm. Emotional calm go a long way when it comes to bowel distress.
“Whenever I look at my family, I cannot help but apologize profusely for feeling so weak and letting them down”-
– it is not a crime to feel weak, is it a crime in your mind, in your family’s mind?
anitaSeptember 15, 2019 at 11:49 am #312433
Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. I really appreciate that you’ve taken time out of your day to provide me with advice.
@Prash, I thank you for your positive outlook on how to tackle situations. I’ve tried to tell myself that I should be proud of my progress, but it all seems so futile as I always end up in the same place.
@inky, alopecia is horrible condition. When my doctor told me I’d lose a majority of my hair, I was devastated. While I don’t have the confidence to own this new challenge, I will definitely have to muster up courage. Seeing great chunks hair go down the drain is absolutely heartbreaking.
@peggy, thank you for your words of encouragement. I will have to explore my options.
@anita, weakness has never been a crime in my nor to my family. But, being that I’m so young, I feel as though I should have been stronger and risen up the challenge.
Again, thank you all for your words. I really do appreciate it.September 15, 2019 at 12:05 pm #312439
You are welcome.
“I should have been stronger and risen up the challenge”- I don’t understand what you mean by this sentence. If you see a reason to look into this sentence, with me perhaps, please do and let me know what it means.
(I will be away from the computer and back in about 18 hours from now).
September 17, 2019 at 7:13 am #312741
- This reply was modified 6 days, 10 hours ago by anita.
@anita, by this I mean I should have been stronger. I let my condition get the best of me and I wasn’t able to effectively tackle the anxiety that came with it. I felt weak and defeated. Now, by this I don’t mean to insinuate that those with anxiety are weak. Of course not. Anxiety is such a hard battle. Looking at my family and others around me who have dealt with worse, I just felt like I didn’t handle my situation well.September 17, 2019 at 10:27 am #312777
“Looking at my family around me who have dealt with worse”- maybe they didn’t deal with worse. What I mean by it is that together a more severe situation feels less severe:
When you are struggling with something and there is at least one person in your life who looks at you with empathy and understanding, smiling at you, saying to you something like: I understand. It is difficult, but take my hand and together we will make it better, and then, that person keeps her/ his word, takes your hand and walks together with you-
– this kind of support goes a long, long way.
September 17, 2019 at 10:42 am #312785
- This reply was modified 4 days, 12 hours ago by anita.
I want to remind you something, something that changes my mood a little bit sometimes. I want you to listen to a bit of a hopeful kinda music and think about all the possibilities that you have holding in your hands. This idea has always lighten me up a bit, because it’s even beyond your imagination. When you stop comparing the stuff you’re going through with your acquaintances, you start to think about your own path. And it’s such an open experience, you’re young, even though you don’t feel like it you have the energy to accomplish lots of different stuff. Do not let any academic misfortunes and illnesses prevent you from dreaming. I know that you still have hope, use it and be aware of the possibilities..
I hope that I could express what I feel, good luck..September 17, 2019 at 1:24 pm #312807
Hello, and thank you for your replies!
@anita, I feel lucky as I have had an immense amount of support. My family would always take me to emergency appointments, labs and hospitals. I feel very blessed. However, I feel as though I have let them down. They are my world, and I’ve put them through so much. Even now, when I have a flare or breakdown, their support is unwavering. However, I as a person feel as though I cannot support myself. My body and brain have failed me. I just feel lost.
@miyoid, thank you so much for your encouragement. I have tried all types of techniques, including happy music, but it just feels wrong to me. Since, I am unhappy, the music just makes me feel even more upset and reminds me of the life I used to have. I was a brilliant person and everyone believed I would accomplish great things. Now, here I sit, trying to pick up the pieces of what is left. I feel like I’m swiping at air and but still getting hurt in the process.
GSeptember 17, 2019 at 1:30 pm #312809
You are welcome.
“My body and brain have failed me.. I cannot support myself”- you mean, you are 100% incapable of supporting yourself?