Hi Tommy,

First of all, I find that you have quite a lot of insight in what’s happening and how you have been coping with things, which is a good first step, and you are doing your best to do things to learn more about it.

I recognise some things in what you say – so i feel a bit conscious about replying, because i also am still much on my way to ‘get better’. But i would like to write some things that i notice in your post, which i can relate to in my own experience.

First of all, i think that if you have been living like that for quite a while, that you might need to give your body time, to relax again. For what i feel, living with my head and being numbed in my emotions, means putting a lot of pressure on my body, on myself. Don’t know how it is for you?
Last winter, i spent a number of months, staying at home a lot, because i couldn’t do anything anymore because of all the pressure i had built up within myself. So i rested a lot and slept when i felt like it. I noticed that it is very important, to give my body the time that it needed, to wind down.
Which i mean, like you write, that you are trying to cry, and trying to trigger these emotions, for me it feels like forcing yourself again. Now you want to cry, so now you try to. I wonder if in that way, with crying you will really get access to your emotions, or if it will be something like a show. Similar like if you try to force yourself: now you have to relax, then it wouldn’t work. Maybe you need to give yourself time and pay more attention to your emotions, and gradually you might tune into them more and more.
I’m not always good with words, so i hope you understand what i’m trying to say? If not, please ask!

Personally I feel that as long that we are trying to get more to our emotions, it might not work. But that is me, i’m not a specialist or anything 🙂

Also, you write that you see a therapist, you study psychology (in University, or just books etc out of self-interest?) and reading… That is of course all very helpful, but i think all these things are still with your mind.
Do you do certain things, more with your body or relaxation techniques? I’m thinking about thinks like meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, dancing… Things like that can be very helpful to get more into your body and to feel what is there.

Just a few ideas, and it sounds like you are on the good way, by seeing what happens and you want differently and working hard for that.

But give yourself time. If you have been running away from your emotions from a long time, probably means that they are difficult to deal with for you, so they might come to you gradually, when you are more open and ready for it.

Hope that somebody with more knowledge will also reply. 🙂