Dear Chau:

You wrote above: “I know deep down I still want to connect with my ex,but no matter what I shouldnt because I haven’t fully recovered.” This indicates to me that you didn’t give up on her. I think you should. I think once you accept the fact that it is and should be over, then you will no longer be obsessed with her.

Knowing who she is, how she repeatedly blamed you for what you were not guilty of, even for the fact you suffered from her cheating, it is a good thing that it is over.

There is a price to pay for a relationship with her, and that is to be The Guilty One every single day of your life with her. That is not a life worth living for me. Is it for you?

anita

Dear Chau:

You are welcome. When you remember the good times with her also remember the not so good times, so you have a balance picture of what was. If you only remember the good, why would you let go? If you engage in remembering, remember it all … and give a bit more time to the memories that make this relationship worthy of past tense.

anita

Dear Chau:

I agree with you that your “mind is playing tricks with me and i just selectively choose memories out.” Hope you talk sense to your brain when it tricks you every single time. If you give in to selective memories, what you are doing, is living in a fictional world, different than reality. Stick to reality and you will be okay!

Post anytime.

anita

Hi Chau,

I am new to this forum and am going through similar. I split with my partner 6 weeks ago. She is 40, I am 42. In the end, she was violent towards me and I left the house after a violent incident. We have a 3 year old son together and she has another girl aged 16. My son was upset about the row and he was crying when he saw me in distress.

Unlike you, I have deleted her on whatsapp and I do not have any of her social media account details. But like you, my mind wanders. On Sunday, I was thinking about her a lot and if she was out meeting people. In the 7 years I know her, her behaviour has been questionable. There have been 4-5 incidents of violence, A lot of emotional abuse and it has laden me down with guilt. After rows, more often than not I’d be blamed and she would rarely say sorry.

I can’t give you a lot of advice, but I do know how you are feeling and I know it is probably killing you. I’m afraid to go out in case I meet my ex with someone else, or that she might be drunk and say things (she threatened this before). I am listening to everything people are saying to me though about being good to myself, giving myself time and breathing space and moving on. In general I agree with what everyone has written here and their advice is sound. But I need to take that advice myself.

I just want you to know someone else knows how you are feeling and how it is affecting you. Despite some poor treatment, I still love this woman, but I am in counselling trying to work out how or why I love her when she has treated me very poorly at times. Is it self esteem issues on my part? Am I scared of being alone? Maybe. I do crave a family, but what good is that family if she reserves the right to hit people in the house and cause huge upset? (She has hit two of us in the house).

I too am hoping for better days ahead, but for now, it is tough, I am taking it literally one day at a time & I think I will never love like that again. But I thought that way before and I did fall in love again. So fingers crossed.

Hopefully, by posting here, it is helping you.

Sean.

I know deep down I still want to connect with my ex,but no matter what I shouldnt because I haven’t fully recovered.

Check this points you mentioned, Chau.

We all want something out of life. What we focus on is what leads us to do the things we should or shouldn’t do, and make decisions based on what we want out of life. When was a time when you really focused on something, where you set your mind into full throttle mode and did everything you could with every minute you had to get what you want?

We’re all driven by something emotional, that’s why avoiding contact with her, maybe deleting her off your phone, or uninstalling your Whatsapp won’t help. Because you’re still driven emotionally towards her. The question is why? What is it that you want out of this? Is it the love and affection this person once gave to you? That attention she had for you? It could be that all this LOVE she has given you before is what makes you feel so guilty.

I am left with guilt of not treating her right, the scar of the betrayal of the two close person, as well as the anger that I have when she left me.

It’s great you recognize these emotions. Knowing what you’re feeling, being able to label your emotions and what you’re thinking about is a strong start. My advice is to take it a step further and track all your thoughts and feelings in a journal, asking yours why and what you’re doing.

Your thoughts and emotions are jumbled up. When you start marking down and calling out what they are, they begin to make more sense, and you’re able to really dig down to what you’re doing. From there, you can choose how you should behave and what your next steps are.

Dear Brievuong,

thanks for your advice.
I think i did write journal on the first week or so when i stopped contacting her, and then i felt a bit better and lost track of it.
To be very frank I don’t feel it’s over yet. Images of her keep popping up no matter where i go. and to be frank I think i am very prone to obsessive behaviors
The emotions are still very strong towards her.
I am just trying to meditate and may be will resume writing my thought.
I want a better state of mind.

Thanks!
Clara

@chau Great stuff. Four things:

1) What does “better state of mind” mean?

2) You’ve been more on the logical side of things + have quite the sensitivity (sensitive = to other people’s behaviours and emotions + your own). Kudos on this.

3) What you “think” = most likely yes, unless proven otherwise

5) Test out Vishen Lakhairi 6 Phase Meditation

Edit: beware confirmation bias