Dear Jessi:

You wrote about your boyfriend and this woman Jan 9, more than four months ago: “he talked to me about her a couple of times of how beautiful, supermodel looking she was.. he has searched her on google..”. Four months later you added that he told you that they slept together in their underwear but didn’t have sex.

Your new thread is has the word obsession in it, and it is your obsession no less than it is his obsession.

It seems to me that he highly values supermodel looking women, and therefore he highly values her. It makes him feel valuable for having had her attention (that night when he ended sleeping with her). If you don’t look like a supermodel, I am guessing that he values you less.

I am not saying that he doesn’t value your various attributes; what I am saying is that he highly values a woman for her supermodel looks and it makes him feel valuable to be near her in one way or another.

anita

Dear Jessi:

“he actually has a low self esteem”- this is what I thought to myself while I typed the previous post to you. I didn’t express it to you, but I thought it. I don’t think that he “cares about her” as much as that he values her supermodel looks as something that makes him feels more valuable for interacting with her. It is similar to men looking for what is termed a “trophy wife”, it makes them feel more valuable being seen with her.

As a man with a lower self esteem he needs something or someone (interactions with someone, in this case) that makes him feel better about himself.

He may think that you will think highly of him knowing that a supermodel looking woman slept with him, and that could be why he told you that (is it a true story, I don’t know).

anita

Dear Jessi:

It is at the least insensitive of him to go on and on about this woman, and at the most it is cruel. Is he insensitive or cruel to you in other ways???

anita

Dear Jessi:

I think your friend has a point, saying that “he ‘wants you to feel less of yourself”, so that you don’t see him as the less of a man that he feels he is. It is sad. What are you going to do on the matter?

anita

Dear Jessi:

The good news is that last time he talked to you about her was February this year. The bad news is that he still has all those photos of her, and records of their conversations, with backups.

Like the title of your thread indicates: “Obsession, idealization.. is the reason behind all of this”- you knew it all along. I have no idea why he idealizes her (exaggerating her physical attributes to her favor), and does not express enough appreciation of your attractive physical attributes.

Maybe, just maybe, she reminds him of .. his mother, or an older sister, when he was a young child. Young children do idealize the women in their lives. Did you see photos of his mother/ older sister.. an aunt when they were younger? (disclaimer: this is a wild guessing on  my part, I have nothing to back it up, just wondering).

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Jessi:

You titled your thread “Obsession, idealization”, and in your most recent post, you asked regarding your boyfriend who is obsessed with one particular woman: “I wonder if he has some mental, emotional, girlfriend problems?”

www. medicalnewstoday. com/ articles/ obsessive love vs real love, reads: “Health professionals do not widely recognize obsessive love, or ‘obsessive love disorder.’ as a mental health condition. Indeed, it is not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. However, obsessive love can be a sign of other mental health challenges and conditions…

“Love is a potent force. People with feelings of love experience a rush of dopamine and other powerful brain  chemicals. For some people, these feelings are so powerful that they become obsessed with keeping and controlling the person they love.. One hallmark of  obsessive love is its focus on the partner as an object for ‘consumption’ or ownership, as opposed to an equal… they show little interest in the other’s well-being… Real love involves accepting the  other person and acknowledging their flaws. Obsessive love may involve worship and a refusal to acknowledge any flaws.. Obsessive love sometimes involves a relationship that does not actually exist, such as with a celebrity or a stranger…

“In general, some signs that love is obsessive include:

– an intense preoccupation with the relationship that is disproportionate to  its length

– immediate falling ‘in love’ with new partners, or even with strangers..”-

– this all reads true to your boyfriend?

anita

Dear Jessi:

A summary of what you shared in your various posts since May this year: you, at 32,  are in a relationship with a man, 49, an engineer. When he was 30, he “got married to an older woman.. this woman looked like his mom”. They got divorced and he met “younger prettier girls”, including a woman (let’s call her W) in August 2016, when he was about 45. Some time later, he met you, a woman who is 17 years younger than him. Currently, you are in your early thirties and he is almost 50.

You are “good looking, great body”, working “super hard in the gym, lifting heavyweights”, and your boyfriend is aware that “people comment on how great my personality is, how much they want me.. what an amazing body I have”.

Some time ago  you found out that he made a google search on W,  and you asked him about this woman. On about 10 occasions since then (last being February of this year), he told you that W is a “Beautiful, supermodel looking.. a diva and was always flirting with everybody.. all these rich men driving expensive cars.. after her”. He met her in a “luxury building residential in the beach”, where she had “this great management job.. like the project manager”, and he worked there on the building maintenance as an engineer. They added each other on Facebook.

He told you that at the beginning of 2017, they “went out, drank some wine, danced and bam, she ended up in panties and bra, and him in his boxers, just kissing in bed.. so they fell asleep and no sex.. he couldn’t go further because they had promised each other that they would wait a little longer” because she was still hurt from a breakup of a previous relationship. He gave you “intimate details about how sexy or beautiful her body looked like in panties and bra ..’she has an amazing body, I can tell she worked out a lot in the gym”. He also told you that he literally begged her to be with him, tha “she was his queen.. the only woman he wanted to be with, marry and have children with”.

You discovered recently that he has an album of her on his mobile gallery, and three folders of backups of pictures of her, including sexy pictures, and snapshots of all their WhatsApp conversations stored in a hard drive. You also found out at one point, that he took a woman he dated after he met W to the luxurious building where he met W, and you realize now, that he took you there as well, before you knew about W.

My input today: what I realize today after re-reading your posts is that you are much younger than him, you are close to 30, he is close to 50- that’s a two decade difference.

It seems to me that his behavior can be explained by the following:

1. He feels insecure about being with you,  a much younger and good looking woman who gets the attention of younger/ more successful men. He doesn’t want to lose you to those men, so he talked highly of W, exaggerating her physical and professional attributes and success, so that you will feel less confident about yourself, physically and professionally. He exaggerates her physical attractiveness so that you will feel less physically attractive. He exaggerates her professional success so that you will feel less successful than her, and he exaggerates her success with men (rich men chasing her, bringing her flowers), so that you will feel less confident about your success with men. He wants you insecure so that you will not replace him with a younger, better looking, and/ or more successful man.

2. He really was (and may be, still) infatuated with W, the evidence being that he has her pictures and conversations in his hard drive with three backup folders, and that he took a previous date and you to that building where he met her.

3. He is immature/ impulsive, sharing with you about W having been his queen, and so forth, not realizing it is cruel to do so.

4. Clearly, to me, he told you part truths part untruths about W and his relationship with her. If you hired a competent private investigator, you could find out the whole truth, and that could be fascinating. It just occurred to me that if you approached W yourself, maybe she will share with you her side of the story.

* There is possibility, however remote, that he is devious: that he planned it so that you will find his collection of W’s photos and conversations so to lower your confidence (see #1, above) and that he lied to you (intentionally exaggerating her attributes and his infatuation for her) for the same purpose. But I don’t think this is probable.

anita

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