June 18, 2020 at 2:49 pm #358891JoeParticipant
It’s been a while since I was last on this forum (must have been about 2 years now)
Brief context – I’ve posted a few years ago about my narcissistic older sister, coming to realise that she was just a toxic person and I just felt on edge around her. I even refused to go to her wedding after I confronted her about her behaviour (denied everything and twisted/projected back onto me) and I’m glad I did – she expected the family and her friends to fork out a lot of money just to fly from England to the USA to watch her get married and she was absolutely vile to everybody. She had another wedding reception back in the UK a few months after, I refused to go to that as well but that was the turning point where I made it abundantly clear I wasn’t going to put up with her crap anymore.
I’ve worked harder than I ever have these past few years and it paid off – I’m not saying this with arrogance but I’m proud of myself for what I’ve done. I went back to school, got my Masters and then I went abroad after getting accepted onto an internship. The company hired me after and I’m pleased to say I am now working, doing something I absolutely love, I’m living in a new country and living independently for the first time in my adult life. That’s not to say I still don’t have my fair share of problems (still get bogged down with impostor syndrome and anxiety, COVID situation the past few months has been awful) but my situation and outlook is a lot better than it was when I first joined this forum.
And yet my sister is trying to worm her way back in to my life. When she found out I left in the first place, she threw a strop – “Well nobody told me he had gone” (I just didn’t want her to know) and she came up with the same crap when I flew back for Christmas “Nobody told me he was back” (this is from somebody who used to exclude me from a lot of stuff as well). The first time around, my mom gave her my phone number (even though I had specifically told everybody not to give her my number) but I just ended up blocking her (she also kept trying to ring me up when I was at work). The first time I came back to visit everyone else, she angrily demanded to know why I wasn’t responding to her messages (I just pretended that WhatsApp was glitching).
The worst part about it is now she’s trying to drag her children into this as well – “The kids don’t even remember their uncle anymore because he doesn’t stay in touch” (They clearly DID remember me when I went to see them over Christmas). She was extremely angry about the fact I was back for Christmas and nobody had told her to the point where she was giving my younger sister a hard time about it, and had reduced her to tears.
I’ve since gotten a new phone and a local number in my new country and periodically I get messages from my mom telling me that “she misses me and she wants my number”. I made it clear she is NOT to have my number but my mom is still pestering me about it and it’s beginning to feel like harassment now. She recently gave birth to another child (don’t get me wrong, I love the kids and a new child is always great news) but still insisted on having my number. I just told my mom to pass on a message of congratulations but I don’t want anything more to do with my sister. I’m not giving her another window of opportunity into my life so that she can just treat me like she used to again. I’ve worked really hard over the past few years to get where I am now (to build up my self-worth and my career prospects) and I’m not going to let her drag me down again.
What should I do about the fact she’s indirectly pestering me into talking to her when I don’t want her in my life? Am I in the wrong for setting this boundary? I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment, being on edge the past few months thanks to the virus situation. I can’t even talk to my parents about anything – they just tell me “Oh just come home” – every time I have experienced some slight difficulty, it’s just “Oh just come home” – almost like they want me to give up this new life. They don’t even want to talk about my problems or address them, it’s just “Oh just come home if you’re finding things difficult”. They don’t want to talk about how I feel about my sister, they just make excuses to justify her crappy behaviour “Oh that’s just how she is”
I feel bad for saying this but I’m happy where I am now, living independently and away from them. I put everything into my work because I don’t want to go back and I don’t want things to go back to how they were. Still healing from a lot of their crap and trauma over the past 29 years.June 18, 2020 at 3:15 pm #358896anitaParticipant
Welcome back, so good to read from you! It has been almost two years (August 22, 2018). Interestingly enough, your very first post on tiny buddha was on June 17, 2015, five years ago yesterday!
Congratulations for all your achievements since you last posted. My quick answer to your question: no, you are not wrong to keep your sister out of your life. It is the right thing for you to do. I am not focused enough to thoroughly read your whole post, so I will re-read and reply to you further in about 15 hours from now.
June 18, 2020 at 6:56 pm #358923anitaParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
You shared that your older sister is narcissistic, toxic, vile, all adjectives you used. You shared that you refused to attend her wedding in the US as well as her wedding reception back in the UK.
In the last few years, you worked very hard, earned your Masters, went abroad and got accepted onto an internship (congrats for all these things!), loving your work and living independently in a new country, for the first time in your adult life (wonderful, my hat is off to you!!!)
Your mother should not have given your phone number to your older sister because you told her to not do that! And your mother should not give you messages from your sister, that she misses you, etc., pestering you, harassing you. I feel anger at your mother as I am typing this.
“I’m not giving her anther window of opportunity into my life.. I’ve worked really hard over the past few years to get where I am now.. and I’m not going to let her drag me down again”- good choice!
“What should I do about the fact she’s indirectly pestering me into talking to her when I don’t want her in my life?”- tell your mother to not pass you messages from your sister. Your mother owes you to respect your assertion.
“Am I in the wrong for setting this boundary?” – no you are not wrong.
“I’ve got enough on my plate at the moment, being on edge the past few months thank to the virus situation.. They (your family) don’t even want to talk about my problems or address them, it’s just ‘Oh just come home if you’re finding things difficult”- that would be a mistake to go back home. I hope you don’t go back home and persist in your new life, persist through the pandemic. I very much hope things will get better and better.
“I feel bad for saying this but I’m happy where I am now, living independently and away from them”- please stay away from them, it’s what’s good for you to do, and tell your mother to stop pestering you if she wants to have the privilege of talking to you herself!
“Still healing from a lot of their crap and trauma over the past 29 years”, their crap, meaning your family’s crap. Too often, unfortunately, family is not what it is supposed to be. I came up with a saying a long time ago: sometimes family is just another F word. Stay away however difficult it is for you, because it is better than what you had back there. I remember that years ago I thought to myself that you might never get out of being stuck, stagnated. I am thrilled to read your progress! Don’t give it up, and don’t give in to anyone in your family.