Old Crush.. Friendship.. Keep in touch and how?

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This topic has 16 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.

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February 10, 2020 at 11:05 am #337444

thirst_of_validation
Participant

A high school crush recently confessed he had feelings for me at the time we studied together, all I can say is we had a different level of connection but we never got to know each other as friends nor was there a relationship.

We were in touch on and off during these years on social media like a “how you doing” kinda question but nothing ongoing.

On confessing he mentioned he wanted to connect more like a personal messaging platform so we exchanged our numbers, he told me he was actually interested in having a virtual affair (virtual coz we are not in the same country/ timezone) and somewhat a physical relation when the time comes. This was not what I expected from reconnecting and cleared to him that it is not a good idea considering we both are happily married to our partners and such kind of relationship would ruin many things plus I had never thought of anything like that before or today.

He tried couple of times to get the conversations going towards we can say the kinky side like sending half nude pics, asking if I am alone etc. or show me your curves but I never lead those conversations ahead either changed the topic and took them lightly.

Not sure if this made him lose interest in continuing conversations but then it just came down to “let’s talk tomorrow”, “I am at home with family”, “my wife is conservative she may not accept this friendship”, ” workload is increasing we will connect when in office but cannot promise when”, and again “you can connect tomorrow”.

Now that I am writing things down it struck me that possibly my disinterest in what he was looking for may have cut things out, I was tired of his let’s chat tomorrow (but then I am supposed to initiate everyday) during the week and I am home its the weekend again tomorrow, it took a toll on my mental health, felt like he was deliberately doing it so I cut contact since about 10 days and have not heard from him since then.

Need advice on what I should do to reconcile differences or it is not worth that too? It is pretty basic for what I was expecting is to return a message/call when possible for him so that we could keep in touch. I was more interested in being friends with him, getting to know him as person.

I do miss him and feel that connection from high school with him but I am debating whether going back is worth and if I do how we both can be on the same page together? From the current situation it appears this is going to be years apart and on and off only maybe.

Please advice.

February 10, 2020 at 10:08 pm #337550

Brandy
Participant

Hi Thirst-of-validation,

You were clear that you don’t want a virtual or physical relationship with him, yet he sends you half-nude pics and asks to see your curves. How would your husband feel about this? And how would you feel if your husband had a female friend who was sending him half-nude pics and wanting a physical relationship with him?

Take it from someone who’s been married many years, let this friendship go. This guy’s trouble.

B

February 11, 2020 at 9:22 am #337632

Inky
Participant

Hi thirst-of-validation,

He’s bored in his marriage and desperately hoped that you would have a sexy exchange via the computer.

You shot him down and he’s licking his wounds. It’s as simple as that.

The next time he contacts you (he will) write back: “Hey, this is Not So Thirsty’s husband, Mr. Validation”.

The guy will stammer online, and backtrack.

And hopefully he’ll learn something.

Best,

Inky

February 11, 2020 at 9:54 am #337638

thirst_of_validation
Participant

Hi Brandy,

Yes I agree with you, I did not think from the perspective where a female friend reached out to my husband similarly.

Ours (husband and mine) and every marriage is built on trust and just because my husband trusts me with my friendships it would feel as if I am cheating on him continuing on.

The only part I am not able to wrap my head around is that I considered him a good friend but turns out its not, finding it difficult to move on with that 🙁

February 11, 2020 at 10:01 am #337642

thirst_of_validation
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thank you, you are on point; he never told me much about his married life in general too but I was afraid to assume that this encounter maybe because he is bored in his marriage.

Yeah I shot him down and that is why he is trying to hurt back with this type of ignorance because I want just friendship?

Yes will do, I wish too he contacts infact that’s all I wanted a mutual friendship for old times sake.

February 11, 2020 at 10:53 am #337644

Inky
Participant

Hi Again,

He is acting this way because he is embarrassed.

He doesn’t want friendship. Or worse: to be Friendzoned.

Inky

February 11, 2020 at 5:45 pm #337692

thirst_of_validation
Participant

Thank you Inky, this clears my doubts on what he exactly would be feeling vs me pursuing the friendship.

October 19, 2020 at 3:58 pm #367969

thirst_of_validation
Participant

Reviving this thread since a lot of things happened, there is still a back and forth and I have concluded its better to end things but I am finding it very difficult to cut off completely and need advice.

This is what I have tried so far: Sincerely tried some therapy for myself, Deleting contact, blocking, emailing, giving an ultimatum to myself and to this person going no contact for months but whenever the either of us comes back the old somewhat good memories trigger and things are fine for few weeks until it comes falling down.

The therapist suggested: I should end things from my end and focus on my life more and more, so I just left at where it was and sort of was getting back on my feet but then he comes back saying we should keep in touch and very next day starts with the same nonsense.

Cut to few weeks good/bad he promised to call and for the next 2-3 days did not call, I blocked him and maintained for more than 2.5 months, on his birthday unblocked and wished him then agreed to be good friends.

Now it turns out he only wants to talk when he is in the office and when he is free but even that I am supposed to initiate a convo and find out if he is free/not and he will offer breadcrumbs or ignore or ask for favors or just plainly say he will get back.

Overall on this thread and friends in my circle have advised me to cut him off but I am some how unable to completely cut him off, have a little hope that we can be good friends but there are many things here that are not good for me.

If not abruptly what would be the best way to cut off and bring my own peace back? please suggest 🙁

October 20, 2020 at 1:23 pm #368010

Anonymous
Guest

Dear thirst_of_validation:

First, I will summarized what you shared, with quotes, and then give suggest to you what I can.

In February this year, over eight months ago, you shared that a man who you attended high school with, a man who is married and lives in another country, contacted you (a married woman) via social media, told you that he had feelings for you, and that “he was actually interested in having a virtual affair and somewhat a physical relation when the time comes”.

He proceeded to ask you to send him “half nude pics”, asking you to show him “your curves”, etc., and you responded by “changing the topic and took them lightly”. Next, he “lost interest in continuing conversations” and postponed conversations with you, telling you things like: “let’s talk tomorrow”, “I am at home with family”, “my wife is conservative, she may not accept this friendship”.

You were troubled at the time that he withdrew his interest in you: “I was more interested in being friends with him, getting to know him as person… I considered him a good friend but turns out it’s not, finding it difficult to move on with that”.

Yesterday, Oct 19, you returned to this thread, sharing that you are still “finding it very difficult to cut off completely” from this man. You tried the following in your efforts to cut off contact with this man: “some therapy.. Deleting contact, blocking emailing, giving an ultimatum to myself and to this person, going no contact for months”, but then “he comes back saying we should keep in touch, “old somewhat good memories trigger and things are fine for few weeks until it comes falling down.. same nonsense”.

You suggested that you are very troubled when he promises to call you and then doesn’t, when “he only wants to talk when he is in the office”, and when he “will offer breadcrumbs or ignore” you. You were advised by your therapist, by friends and by members on this thread, back in February, to cut off contact with him, but you are “unable to completely cut him off, have little hope that we can be good friends”.

You asked: “If not abruptly what would be the best way to cut off and bring my own peace back? Please suggest”-

– I would suggest the following:

1. Try to redefine what friendship means to you. When he told you early this year that he “was actually interested in having a virtual affair and somewhat a physical relation” with you, he was not suggesting friendship, he was suggesting a virtual, sexual affair and maybe an in-person sexual affair in the future.

When he proceeded to ask you for nude pictures of yourself, he was not seeking friendship, he was seeking sexual gratification.

If you redefine friendship and see him not as a friends, but as a married man who seeks sexual gratification with another married woman, who is not his wife- it may be easier for you to cut off contact with him.

2. You may want to talk to the therapist you saw about your “thirst for validation” (your screen name), a thirst so intense that you misperceive a man looking for sex to be a friend; a thirst so intense that you are troubled by such a man not calling you when he said he will, and not giving you more time.

3. You may want to involve your husband in your struggle. Maybe your husband can talk to this man and let him know that he is to never contact you again.

anita

October 20, 2020 at 4:21 pm #368023
thirst_of_validation
Participant
@anita: Thank you much, I will think over the points you mentioned and get back in a day or two.

Just about 2. actually it happened many times over days and weeks the will call and don’t call hence the thirst but I see a good point there too from another perspective.
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by thirst_of_validation.
October 20, 2020 at 4:27 pm #368026

Anonymous
Guest

Dear thirst_of_validation:

You are very welcome. I am looking forward to your next post. Until then, please be good to yourself.

anita

October 22, 2020 at 2:39 pm #368115

thirst_of_validation
Participant

Hi Anita,

From your suggestions:
1. “If you redefine friendship and see him not as a friends, but as a married man who seeks sexual gratification with another married woman, who is not his wife”
This was indeed an eye-opener for me, at a younger age we make friends quite easily so I had put him in a bucket of ‘friends’ and never thought of redefining as he just existed somewhere in my mind space.
When you mentioned redefine friendship I could categorize better between friends and such a person seeking pleasures under the hood of old feelings.

2. I was stuck between perceiving him as a friend, maybe my first crush and him initially expressing feelings gave me heartfelt joy as though I connected with my younger self like going back in time and feeling those unsaid feelings
Maybe I got blinded for a little while only to stumble into this state.
About the calling part: I would give you your own example, when you say you would get back to me in next say 15-16 hours you actually have got back, though we met here on tinybuddha forum you have built a level of trust and do respect and care about so many looking for some help and advise.
Just the opposite experience with him: Not once, twice but for weeks and to this day he has never said, done on things he has promised like a call back/text to sort out things but the confidence in delivering things is so immense that anyone would believe, its a yes to everything but do nothing sort off.
Recently in the last 2-3 months he has called few times only to talk about himself, how busy his work is, how he is approachable to people around him and just like expected would go off leaving the topic the call actually was for.
If a person says ‘maybe’ or ‘I am not interested’ or even a clear ‘no’ it helps better understand vs say ‘yes’ and never do it.
I am not calculating the each and every time things did not happen as discussed its just a hold a waiting time sort off to keep one in the loop, I understand things happen times cannot be matched work can be busy but very unreliable behavior yet hurtful coz maybe I respect and appreciate each one’s time and many others in my life do that too fortunately reliable ones.

3. I did mention about him to my husband some time back when started therapy but I did not want to involve him currently as it just kept happening with the back and forth between me and this person and did not want to worry my husband from what I am struggling with.

I have a mixed feeling of rage and hope within me towards this person, I feel played around with and humiliated, somehow I am finding it difficult to let those feelings out, a deep lingering feeling.
I am probably hoping he would realize what he has been doing and the hope is not letting me get over and cut it off completely?

October 22, 2020 at 3:09 pm #368117

Anonymous
Guest

Dear thirst_of_validation:

I am looking forward to read and reply to your recent post when in about 16 hours from now, when I am back to your thread.

anita

October 23, 2020 at 10:23 am #368143
Anonymous
Guest
Dear thirst_of_validation:

You shared that when this man expressed to you early this year, that he had feelings for you back in high school, the following: “I connected with my younger self like going back in time and feeling those unsaid feelings”- this is very insightful, I am impressed.

This means, to me, that in high school you were very needy of positive attention, of someone really liking you (true to many teenagers, if not most). I think that you are correct- this man having contacted you about 8 months ago activated your childhood/ adolescent emotional experience of being intensely thirsty to be liked, to be noticed and attended to in positive ways.

“When you say you would get back to me.. you actually have got back.. you have built a level of trust.. and respect… Just the opposite experience with him: .. he has never.. done things he has promised like a call back/ text…If a person says ‘maybe’ or ‘I am not interested’ or even a clear ‘no’ it helps better understand vs say ‘yes’ and never do it”-

– very good point. It reminds me of an experience I had just the other day, at a local taproom I go to some afternoons (outdoors, due to the pandemic). One of the regulars who grows vegetables in his garden, asked me on Tuesday if I will be there Wednesday, so that he can bring me some peppers from his garden. I said yes, and for some reason, I trusted him to bring the peppers the next day: I did not even consider that he will not.

Wednesday, he was there- but no peppers. I asked him and he said that his sister said that she will take his peppers. I told him: but you gave your Word to me. He did not respond to that. Since then, I like him way less. I don’t think that I like him at all, and I don’t respect him anymore.

When your trust in someone is betrayed.. even in a “small” way like in this example, it hurts, and it took away from the affection I felt for him previously. Interesting, how betrayal feels.. when you completely trust a person, it is such a surprise, and an unpleasant surprise, to be betrayed.

I know how important trust is, and am careful to keep my word, knowing that I am not doing it perfectly, but .. as is humanly possible. Thank you for your kind words on the matter.

After I wrote the above, I proceeded to read what you wrote next: “very unreliable behavior yet hurtful“- just like what I wrote above, “it hurts“.

I understand you not wanting to worry your husband with this matter; it is considerate of you.

“I have a mixed feeling of rage and hope within me towards this person, I feel played around with and humiliated.. a deep lingering feeling. I am probably hoping he would realize what he has been doing and the hope is not letting me get over and cut it off completely?”-

– I think that you are correct, it is the hope that’s in the way of you cutting the communication with this man completely. Early in your recent post, you wrote insightfully regarding how you felt when this man first contacted you: “I connected with my younger self like going back in time and feeling those unsaid feelings”- I think that this man’s unreliable behavior, breaking promises, connected you to your younger-self experience, maybe with a parent, or a grandparent, one who broke promises to you and betrayed your trust.

And as a result of that repeated betrayal in childhood, you felt “a mixed feeling of rage and hope…played around with and humiliated”- rage because you were betrayed, hope that the person who betrayed you will fix his/ her behavior and do what is right by you.

It brings me back to my recent adult- age experience of betrayal; it sounds so small, doesn’t it, not like a heavy-duty betrayal, yet it hurt nonetheless. Think of how sensitive children are, it doesn’t take heavy-duty betrayal to hurt a child.

anita
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by .
October 23, 2020 at 5:23 pm #368167

thirst_of_validation
Participant

@anita: “I think that this man’s unreliable behavior, breaking promises, connected you to your younger-self experience, maybe with a parent, or a grandparent, one who broke promises to you and betrayed your trust.

And as a result of that repeated betrayal in childhood, you felt “a mixed feeling of rage and hope…played around with and humiliated”- rage because you were betrayed, hope that the person who betrayed you will fix his/ her behavior and do what is right by you.” ->

That’s exactly the root cause you said it in exact words, betrayal and broken promises from my younger-self and this person’s behavior is making me face it maybe thoughts and memories I don’t want to think off, things I have wrapped to never look at and that’s coming out in the wide open when I expect the kind of trust and attention and never get it.. maybe he is not the actual issue but a mirror showing me I need to deal with those feelings not run away from them ? 🙁

True that on your experience with the guy who said would bring you peppers, sometimes we so unknowingly trust the person from their words and personality but betrayal yes just like you defined whether small or heavy-duty.

I am in and out of feelings and trying to find peace in things as they are, I was very sick with flu end of last year since then I have become emotionally weak just about the time this person entered my life, if you could suggest something that will make me feel strong again from within and thanks alot for helping me out in this case.
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