Dear Peter:

Just a little while ago, I felt that it is okay for me to keep the boundary with my mother (no contact) because I value myself and what I need for my well-being. I don’t need the hurt and anger to keep my boundary with her. Valuing myself/ my well-being is a good enough motivator. And it’s positive motivator, it doesn’t distress me (like the re-experience of hurt and anger does).

anita

Dear Peter/all:

This morning, I am quoting (not analyzing) Peter’s words here on the forums: Old (tiny buddha) Journal- things that pierce (my) heart, or mind today, and letting them sink in (I can see a valuable book published by you, Peter, copying from your tiny buddha posts).

Peter, May 27, 2016 (first post on tiny buddha): “The problem is that when most people talk about purpose, they are imagining something grand, something experienced with every breath we take… The reality is that purpose, like meaning, is a subjective experience and not something that exists in and of itself as a measurable objective experience. We do love to measure things, and you would think we would be better at it”.

Peter, Oct 4, 2016: “There is an art to forgiveness. Many feel that if they forgive, they are saying that what happened to them was ok and that they now must allow those who have hurt them back into their lives. But that is not so. Forgiveness can create the space for the wronged to move forward from the experience.

“For a word that is often used, it is surprising how little the word forgiveness is understood. Don’t let your heart harden and in hardening keep everything bottled up…

“Perhaps the difficulty in letting go of past experiences was in a way leaving you mentally and or emotionally constipated… What might life be like if your memories could freely flow through you without them overly influencing your present?”

Peter, Oct 12, 2016: “Each person is… more than the sum of their parts (and past) … It would be my hope that you realize that the memories of your past do not have to define the story of your experience today… We become the stories we tell, so tell a good one”.

Peter, Nov 28, 2017: “When I notice myself feeling anxious, I stop what I’m doing and take moment and remind myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories/past, I am not my emotions. I am the observer of thoughts, memories and emotions. In this way space is created to take a breath and change perspective to what is happening around me allowing the experience to flow”.

anita

Dear Peter:

1) Processing the quote: it begins by drawing a distinction between shallow happiness and deep, sustaining joy. Shallow happiness is described as a fleeting state that exists only in the absence of sorrow. In contrast, deep joy is described as an enduring state that can coexist with and even arise from sorrow.

Happiness is depicted as fragile and unable to withstand pain. When sorrow arrives, happiness fades away because it cannot endure suffering. Happiness can easily be disrupted by negative experiences. Joy, on the other hand, is described as a deeper, resilient state that can withstand negative experiences.

This suggests that joy is not just an absence of sorrow but a transformation of it. Joy is born out of the experience of enduring and overcoming sorrow, a transcendence from suffering to endurance. This means that through suffering, it is possible to develops the strength and resilience to endure challenges.

Endurance then transforms into character. This implies that enduring suffering shapes one’s character, instilling qualities like strength, resilience, and wisdom.

Finally, character gives rise to hope. The development of character through enduring suffering leads to a sense of hope and optimism for the future. The hope that emerges from this process becomes the source of deep joy. Unlike shallow happiness, this joy is not easily shaken because it is rooted in the strength and character developed through enduring suffering. This joy does not disappoint because it is not dependent on external circumstances. It is a sustaining, inner strength that can endure even in the face of grief and sorrow.

2) Personal reflection (when I refer to pain, I mean emotional pain mostly)- images appear in my mind in regard to this quote: a person crumbling under pain, falling to the ground, contracted, smaller. An image of a tree under the distress of drought, falling leaves, cracking, breaking branches, the tree smallest, minimal, so to survive the drought/ the suffering.

This is what happened to me and what I participated- unbeknownst to me- in the making: I became less, minimal, small, smallest. The logic behind this instinctive response to pain: the less there is of me=> the less there is to feel pain.

Being less means less pain on the short run. But on the long run, being less = less endurance. With less endurance, pain intensifies and continues on and on and on.

Transcending pain would then mean to get up from the ground, to get up and stretch, take air in and expand/ undo the contraction. It is a different position to pain: upward, expanded, strong.

My mistake, I now realize (for the first time) is that I remained contracted, minimal in the face of pain for way, way longer than such strategy is effective. This strategy increased and maintained my pain because there was not enough of me to endure it.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain.

It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up, stand straight and dare to breathe/ to expand. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself (add determination, resilience, strength, courage, hope) so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and even hope, dare to hope.

As I said before, your thread is amazing to me, amazingly valuable. Thank you.

anita

Sorry, own brand, own just once (typing from my phone)]

I like the quote about love by Krishnamurti. To me, that is Buddha nature.

In two minds about the Gerard May quote. I disagree that people aren’t meant to be happy.

But yes, people often make those mistakes. I have in the past. I have felt bad and expected someone else to fix it. But there was nothing to fix but my own perception.

It is quite often the opposite, safety and comfort that can harm us. Too much of anything can be harmful. Aversion to discomfort, whilst human, is a deeply harmful trait for an individual to suffer from.