Dear Alessa and Jana:

You’re both very welcome, and thank you for being here with me. You are making remarkable progress on your personal journeys, and it’s inspiring and helping me to make progress on my own journey.

One of my core beliefs, similar to yours, Alessa, was “I am not a good person”. And another, a consequent of the first: “I don’t deserve a good life” (because I am not a good person).

As is common for people with the core belief of not being good enough, I too engaged in self-criticism, harshly judging myself for perceived flaws, mistakes, and failures. This constant self-criticism eroded my self-esteem and reinforced the core beliefs I mentioned.

Negative self-talk, a common manifestation of the belief “I am not good enough.”, becomes a habit that is difficult to break.

Many people cope with these core beliefs and the accompanying negative self-talk by engaging in behaviors such as substance abuse, self-harm, disordered eating (like binge eating), and avoidance- avoiding situations, activities, or people that might trigger feelings of inadequacy, often leading to social isolation and missed opportunities for growth and connection.

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during times of struggle or perceived failure. Practicing self-compassion can help break the cycle of self-abuse by challenging negative self-beliefs and promoting a positive and nurturing self-view.

It helps to recognize that feelings of inadequacy are a common human experience. Everyone struggles with self-doubt at times. Understanding this can help foster a sense of connection and reduce feelings of isolation.

Jana, you asked: “Do you think that all people experience some emotional or mental difficulties?”- my answer: absolutely. Human beings are complex and emotional creatures, and life’s difficulties and hardship affect our mental well-being in various ways. This can include stress, anxiety, sadness, grief, or even more severe mental health conditions. The key is recognizing that these reactions to hardship are a natural part of life, seeking support when needed, and treating ourselves and others with compassion.

“It is interesting that you both find/found rules, plans, goals helpful to stay focused. I am very nervous when I have to follow strict plans and goals … I like to “flow” and to be flexible in situations. Rules and plans actually make me nervous.”-

– Writing my “Rules 4 Life” helped me feel focused and in control, which lessened my anxiety. This method provided a sense of order and predictability, which was comforting (until a rule was broken). In contrast, you find that strict plans and goals make you nervous. Instead of feeling comforted by structure, you prefer to “flow” and be flexible in situations.

While rules help me stay focused, they have the opposite effect on you, making you anxious instead. I believe this difference stems from our distinct experiences growing up in different environments— home versus school. For me, home represented chaos, while school represented order. At home, I was very anxious because my mother was unpredictable, like a bomb that could explode at any moment. School, on the other hand, provided comfort because it was predictable. I loved the strict teachers who enforced rigid rules and maintained strict supervision, ensuring that other children couldn’t abuse me. This predictability was something I could rely on, and it was wonderful.

In contrast, from what I remember you sharing, your home life was more relaxed in that your parents were not explosive like my mother, and they allowed you to spend a lot of time outdoors without supervision. The issue for you arose at school and in those hobby clubs you mentioned, where you were mistreated and felt trapped. While I felt trapped with my mother (due to the lack of rules and predictability) and found temporary shelter at school (with its rules and predictability), you felt trapped at school, confined by its rules and predictability, and found refuge outdoors, free from rules and predictability, enjoying the freedom to go outside and relax.

Fast forward to now, I still find comfort in rules and predictability and feel distressed by unpredictability, whereas you still feel distressed by rules and predictability and find comfort in flexibility and spontaneity.

What do you think of my understanding, Jana?

anita

Hi Anita and Jana

Thank you both for the kind thoughts! ❤️ I’m feeling better today.

I’m glad that you found reflecting on the themes helpful! I love the self-acceptance Jana. Like you, I choose to work with my nature. I think it’s great that you feel a lot of freedom in reacting in the moment and maximising your possibilities. Whatever helps you is truly the best way for you. ❤️

I love what Anita said on Jana’s other thread. A lot of great insights on this one too! I had never really thought of surpressing pain as suppressing my inner child. I have been rather detached from it viewing these things as memories and pain from the past. It was helpful to reframe it and address the inner child. Congratulations on the breakthrough in self-compassion Anita. I think that you’re a great person! ❤️

I don’t know if either of you have ever seen Pirates of the Caribbean? I think of these things more as guidelines than actual rules. 😉

I understand the concerns. For me, it is important to set achievable goals as opposed to unachievable ones. I don’t really tend to plan too far ahead. It just helps me to actively sit down, think about and plan exactly how I’m going to achieve something.

You see, in stressful situations I struggle. I have difficulty problem solving, make a lot of mistakes and forget things when I’m nervous. Planning, memorising and rehearsing just creates the best outcomes for me. I know if I have practiced it successfully I can do it again in the moment.

I don’t really judge myself harshly when I don’t succeed. Doing my best is enough and making mistakes is expected and accepted. I just review to see what I can learn and try again.

think that there are moments in life where things click. Has anyone else felt moments like this?

For ages I struggled with a feeling of not having love for myself. I worked on forgiveness, boundaries and negative self-talk. Then I realized one day that I had achieved these things and had love for myself, but I struggled to connect to it and feel it.

Another time things clicked was when I realized that it was random chance who I was born to and no matter who was born to her she would have had the same difficulties raising. That is when I realized that I was not to blame.

Another time it clicked was when I nurtured unconditional loving relationships with people who accepted me as I am. I realized that perhaps if they loved me, I was actually worthy of it and that it doesn’t matter who that love comes from.

I already mentioned the birth of my son. The latest click. Being just as worthy as he is. Every child, every adult, every animal being worthy of the same love for just being.
Seeing a child and not knowing how anyone could treat them badly.

Reflecting on the core belief again. My biological mother would assault us using common child behaviours as an excuse. Every night I would reflect on the day and identify the mistakes and plan how to do things perfectly. Hoping that if I got things right, I wouldn’t “cause” her to get angry and beat us.
I believe that is the root of the not good enough belief. But as my therapist said, the reason she did these things is not because of us. According to my biological mother’s own words, it was a result of her own trauma. She was just doing what her parents did.

I find it interesting that we all have different experiences of school. It was a mix for me. A couple of good teachers, many indifferent, only one bad teacher. I was good at my school work and behaved well, so I was largely overlooked and never punished.

I experienced bullying, but knew how to deal with bullies, so it wasn’t too bad. I knew how to find people that I would get on with and had at least one friend at each school, sometimes more. It was hard for me moving schools and leaving friends behind without even being able to say goodbye. I stopped bothering with many friends. I’m a caring person. It is hard for me to lose people. I still remember their names, even from elementary school. The less people, the less to lose and I don’t need many people in my life to be happy.