fbpx
Menu

On the road to nowhere…

Home→Forums→Purpose→On the road to nowhere…

New Reply
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • February 20, 2018 at 5:50 pm #193621
    Denise
    Participant

    Hi to whoever is reading this. I found this website through googling *feeling lost* and signed up for the forums, although didn’t realise it’s a US website…

    I’M from the UK. 

    I guess this is where I start “talking”.

    I find it hard to express what I’m feeling, because I internalise everything and can’t figure out what’s wrong.

    Basically I’m struggling. It’s like this… Typically, you’d think at 30 years old you’d have your shit together. But I don’t. Nope. I’m 30 and a total utter failure. Failed myself. And to be honest with myself, I don’t know how long I can go on feeling this way. It’s physically mentally making me ill. 

    I’M in a dead end job, which I genuinely hate and desperate to get out of. No, I don’t want to persevere. I want out. I don’t know what to do. I need to go back to college and study that’s for sure. For me. Simply because I’m academically limited with zero options of starting over with the grades I achieved at high school.

    I’d really appreciate any and all kicks to my rear end and enlightenment.. 

    There is more I’m dealing with but this, is the one consistently running through my very sore mind. 

    February 21, 2018 at 8:39 am #193725
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    “kicks to (your) rear end” is not what I will offer you in my reply here or, if we communicate further, a kick to your rear end is not what I will offer you at any time.

    What you need is not more aggression, not the aggression you inflict on yourself and not aggression inflicted by others. Aggression is probably what got you to google “feeling lost” and to have arrived here.

    You don’t want to persevere, you wrote. You want out. Out of your dead end job, you mean, correct? And you feel that the only way for you to get out is to get a college degree?

    If so, how long did you think that you need a college degree, did you do research as to what subject to take on and what college- what did you do- or not do- so far in pursuit of the college idea?

    anita

    February 21, 2018 at 9:15 am #193727
    Denise
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Thanks for responding. You hit the nail on the head with the aggression. I do inflict it on myself but it IS my own fault. My fault for not excelling in high school. My fault for being truant more than half of the time in school due to bullying and isolation. I let it affect my education which I regret. *If I Could Turn Back Time – Cher*

    My fault for initially going to college but, then leaving simply because it was high school all over again ( without the bullying-more isolation and loneliness, I was shy and quiet ) and couldn’t handle it. 

    Yes, I want out of my dead end job which I’ve been in for more than 7 years. Don’t get me wrong it’s gave me lots of experience and knowledge, but I never wanted this in the first place. I’m a social care assistant who works nightshift in a care home. 

    Yes I have researched what I need to gain academically as, what I achieved in certain subjects is below average. The thing is, I feel I should* persevere with the healthcare sector because it has possibilities, if I progress academically. Funny fact* I’m fascinated by psychology and human behaviour ( Forensic )

    But something’s holding me back.. or I’m just not in the right mindset. Or deep down I know, this isn’t what I want. I just seem to have lost myself over the years and, turning 30 has made me panic about my life and where I’m going/ or what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know what to do. *Lost with no direction – The Climb* Miley Cyrus 

    P.s. Excuse the music terms, they just felt appropriate ?

    February 21, 2018 at 9:38 am #193731
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    You are welcome. Yes, you are beating yourself up, and hard. I can say: stop beating yourself up. I can say it any which way, but you are (as I have been) in the habit of doing so. A big part of you believes you deserve it, so you keep doing it.

    I just wrote that I have been in that habit, and indeed I was, with years of healing, and months of being more attentive (mindful), I have made a lot of progress. The brain works better without that aggression. Living feels easier, better, more in my control.

    Working in social care reads interesting to me. I think that if I was in your place, I will stay in the health care sector because I am interested in “psychology and human behavior”,  like you. Interestingly I used to be very interested in forensic human behavior as well. I read many, many true crime books.

    Well, I hope you relax that panic over being 30. I do hope so, as it won’t help, just as self aggression doesn’t. As a matter of fact, the more you beat yourself up, the more you panic.

    That very bullying you mentioned in high school caused you fear, I have no doubt. It affected your performance in school and then… you bullied yourself for suffering the consequences of having been bullied by others.

    Where do we go from here (in our communication)? I am available and willing to continue.

    anita

    February 21, 2018 at 10:31 am #193743
    Denise
    Participant

    Dear Anita ( The Wise ) 

    Thankyou. Once again with the nail-hitting. It’s funny how unconsciously I do bully and beat myself up on my shortcomings. I do believe I deserve it. I tell myself all the time, I’m a failure.

    I live my life full of regrets and missed opportunities. My turning 30 has been a trigger. That it’s set off a panic, and recently, I’ve started to have panic attacks. I haven’t had to resolve to physically taking medication although they’re there. I’m learning self-relaxtion for my anxiety. 

    I think I know what I need to do concerning my education, it’s taking the first step and overcoming my fears. As for my job, I am considering leaving as it won’t fit in with possibly returning to college.

    I’d rather focus on something I genuinely want to do and excel, than working where I am. I can’t ignore what I want anymore. 

    I’d like to stay in contact with you Anita. It’s refreshing and good to talk to someone unbiased and objective. 

    February 21, 2018 at 10:38 am #193749
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Denise:

    You are welcome. And thank you for the Wise comment. You wrote that you know what you need to do. Absolutely, do stay in contact with me- you post and I will reply.

    Aim at being gentle with yourself, practicing empathy toward yourself. Even if you don’t feel that empathy, act empathetically toward yourself. Do your best to reduce the perpetuation of that bullying.

    anita

    February 21, 2018 at 2:03 pm #193779
    Peter
    Participant

    A road to nowhere can be a great place to start an journey of adventure. Not all who wander are lost…

     

    February 21, 2018 at 2:29 pm #193783
    Denise
    Participant

    Thanks Anita ( The Wise ) for your advice. 

    February 21, 2018 at 2:39 pm #193791
    Denise
    Participant

    Very insightful Peter. Who said that? 

     

     

     

    February 22, 2018 at 8:13 am #193885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Denise. Anytime.

    anita

    February 22, 2018 at 11:17 am #193947
    Mark
    Participant

    Denise,

    It can be hard when we hit such milestones in our lives that we would look back in regret.  We can mourn our lost opportunities and past poor circumstances that shaped our lives today.

    Each moment now is an opportunity to do something different.  All we got is the present moment.  What choices can we make to get to where we want to go?

    You have already identified your desire to return to college.

    One step at a time.  Focus on taking those steps.

    Mark

    February 22, 2018 at 12:30 pm #193957
    Denise
    Participant

    Thankyou Mark. I realise, it is the choices we make in life that lead us to this moment. I’ve already made the first step and have applied to return to college. 

    February 22, 2018 at 12:39 pm #193959
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Denise

    “Not all those who wander are lost” is a line for a poem by JR Tolken ? It’s a call to the hero’s journey.

    Reading your post, the first thing that popped in my head was that you where heading into a new beginning and being called to a hero’s journey. Such journey often starts with uncertainty even depression… it is the authentic self crying out from the wilderness if you will. A good place to start such a journey is to wander a little.

    I like the word wander as it suggests a “quite” way of looking for one’s next step.  Wandering is still intentional but open to possibilities.  As one wanders one is open to wonder entering in to the flow of a new beginning… vice struggling against the current…  As you wander pay attention to what catches your eye and you will find your way.

    Good luck Denise

    All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,  A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -JR Tolken

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.