Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Once a Victim- Always a Victim?
- This topic has 54 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Anonymous.
May 27, 2022 at 12:34 pm #401347AnonymousInactive
I screen captured this whole post to save for later- Wow. I will definitely continue to watch myself and my behavior.
I have tried to stop myself before and I have successfully succeeded a few times. I’ve talked myself through how what I’m doing won’t help and such. It’s really hard- if I’m being honest. I have this little voice in my head that’s like- but “temporary fix!! Who cares about long term- long term means that I have to work for for a long time to get the same thing!!” as I mentioned I have overcome the urge a few times- but it’s like an addiction.
see someone walking down the street? I have to go walk by with my dog, maybe I’ll be noticed maybe they’ll want to pet my dog etc. and in my head it’s worse. The other day I thought: “If I died I wonder if anyone would miss me? Would (insert name here) care? Would someone feel bad that they left me? Would anyone wish they did stuff different etc.”
the two worst things I ever did was: one, I told everyone in grade five I was going to make an attempt on my life- because I was so angry and upset that no one was listening to me when I was being bullied, I told the teachers and they didn’t care- until I said that.
2- I stabbed myself with a pencil in the hand when I was in 5th grade. After the first incident. It was horrible. I bled everywhere. The graphite broke off and I still have a big piece in my hand- it’s under the skin but very visible.
I now an old enough where I haven’t harmed myself for ‘attention’ since I was at least in high school. But I have definitely gone out of my way to get attention. It’s an addictive act that I’m slowly working on. But it feels like I’m working on 100 things- it seems like I have endless issues that affect me daily. Including my focus- I haven’t been able to work in school since last Friday- when I wrote a post about my hyper focus session. I could write a ten page list of all my issues and what I need to work on- it’s a bit discouraging.
have a great day Anita.
sincerely, LeaMay 27, 2022 at 1:25 pm #401348AnonymousGuest
“It’s really hard” – I know.
“It’s like an addiction” – it is an addiction, only the chemicals you are addicted to are not ones that you smoke, snort, eat, drink, swallow or inject. It’s chemicals that your brain/ body produces when your brain imagines that your huge thirst for love is about to be quenched at any moment… now that you grabbed someone’s attention.
“I.. haven’t harmed myself for ‘attention’ since I was at least in high school” – congratulations!!!
“I have this little voice in my head that’s like- but “temporary fix!! Who cares about long term- long term means that I have to work for for a long time to get the same thing!!’” – the little voice is wrong big time: it’s far, far from being the same thing.
“I could write a ten page list of allmy issues nd what I need to work on- it’s a bit discouraging” – one issue at a time. Don’t multitask!
anitaMay 27, 2022 at 1:40 pm #401350AnonymousInactive
I appreciate it. I’ve been thinking- lots of my individual issues are linked. Before I start to just go in and work on them, I think I should find the biggest one- which affects all the others. The only thing is- how do I find that out?
also on my other thread you told me not to thank you every time we had an interaction- I am finding this difficult and actually kind of uncomfortable- it feels like you won’t know that I am appreciative of what you are telling me if I do not say thank you. Anyway I thought I’d share that.
sincerely, leaMay 27, 2022 at 1:54 pm #401351AnonymousGuest
You are amazing, you already practiced ny suggestion to let me know if something I say bothers you, so that we can explore it together… sincerely, I think that you are exceptional!
Is it that you fear that if you don’t thank me often, I will not want to reply to you?
In regard to finding the biggest issue and working on it first- this is how it works academically, when you do work for a university project. When it comes to emotional healing work- you attend to whatever issue comes up at the moment, which currently is your difficulty with not saying thank-you every time you post to me.
anitaMay 27, 2022 at 2:15 pm #401352AnonymousInactive
Anita, that’s very nice of you to say to me!! I smiled really wide when I read that- I don’t think I’ve been told that I’m amazing in a very long time.
I think it might partly be that subconsciously I’m scared that you won’t reply if I don’t thank you. I also think that if I don’t thank you (even though you suggested that I don’t) you might think me ungrateful and selfish in every post. I truly am thankful for every reply and I guess I feel as if I don’t say so then I become an ungrateful and selfish person- I think it’s a mix of things. It feels weird signing off and not saying thank you. I’m genuinely not sure.
I was going to say thank you here and end the post, but not saying it triggers an almost ocd like response- which is an unusual trigger for me- a very anxious feeling mixed with almost a panicky feeling.
sincerely leaMay 27, 2022 at 2:27 pm #401353AnonymousGuest
I read just a bit of your recent post because I need to leave, but for now, as far as me thinking that you are ungrateful and selfish if you don’t thank me, it is the other way around: since I told you, and you now know that I (sincerely) prefer that you don’t thank me every post (once a week is more than enough, for me), and you accommodate my preference- I would think that you are kind for accommodating me.. it would make me grateful to you!
If on the other hand you insist on thanking me every time you post (in spite of my stated preference)- that would make me angry at you, and I will not feel like communicating with you.
Oh, I just read that not saying thank you triggers you… I am sorry, Lea. I hope that not saying thank you will be okay with you.
anitaMay 27, 2022 at 2:28 pm #401354AnonymousGuest
ooops. anita, just once (the second me was in a rush, lol)May 27, 2022 at 4:03 pm #401355AnonymousInactive
it’s completely ok! I’m good, I understand what you are saying and it’s a reasonable request that I will be able to accommodate- and I will. I was just explaining how I felt in hopes of kinda understanding why I felt triggered by not saying thank you. Seems like a very interesting thing to me- most of my ocd/panic triggers are much larger and a bit less specific.May 27, 2022 at 9:36 pm #401357AnonymousGuest
I am glad that you think that my preference is reasonable and that you will be able to accommodate. You can express a preference to me and if it’s reasonable, I will be glad to accommodate you!
anitaMay 27, 2022 at 10:15 pm #401358AnonymousInactive
It’s no problem! I don’t really have any preferences or requests- any response and guidance is wonderful.
Since I’m on an honesty streak, I think I would feel guilty if I requested, or expressed preferences to you or anyone on here- but I cannot really think of anything honestly.
I work tonight and I’m already exhausted from my day of unproductive surfing and doing nothing…
anyway, have a wonderful night Anita.