Hi Gertie, So sorry to find you so sad. This time of the year seems to magnify sad feelings for so many. I haven’t been in your situation although I would like to offer some positive advice to you. When you think of how you are reacting to a situation think of what your response is teaching your child. If you keep on believing lies when your head tells you not to, your child may grow up to do the same. If you decide that you have had enough, think about how you want to role model to your child the way you want to break up with the man. Tell her the simplified truth. You have waited for him long enough. You don’t think you trust or believe in what he says anymore. You want a man who will be able to be with you (and her) 100% and he isn’t. So you are going to stop seeing him. If he wants to commit to you both he knows where you are and he knows that the only way he can continue to see you are on your terms, which means leaving his wife. If you can be strong, and stick to your guns, you will role model this inner strength to your child. You will be showing her how to be strong for when she needs to be strong herself one day. Take care not to tell her all your troubles, and do not use her to listen to all your woes. Be careful what you say, keep it simple, and be the best role model you possibly can. Doing it for her may just give you the strength to look after yourself, and her too. Good Luck, let the tears (and the pain) out and stay focused on your future for her sake too.

Dear, sweet Gertrude. The foremost thing you must know and learn now is that, so long as you have a choice in the matter, you must never, ever again allow someone into your life who treats you with anything less than complete and utmost respect. There are many situations in which we don’t have a choice as to whether or not we must deal with certain people, such as your family or your coworkers sometimes. But with friends, and ESPECIALLY with your romantic life partner, you do have that choice. And you must be willing to exercise that choice without the fear of losing someone; because when you do, the only thing you will be losing is someone who was never worth your time, energies, or heart in the first place. Those kinds of people only bring added stress and heartache to your life, as you have seen with your former lover. And with all the stress you already have dealing with things you don’t have a choice with, why would you add more stress when you have the choice to avoid it? Learn to love yourself and learn to respect yourself, and you will then bring in only those who do the same for you, while shutting out those who do not. Once you learn to carry yourself in this manner–a manner that reflects the beauty in your heart–I promise you that you will feel so much better. And that is whether you become a part of a loving couple, or remain single, sexy, and fabulous.

I was emotionally and psychologically abused for several years–first, by a man I dated for 5 years, then by another man I dated for another nearly 2 years. I had the choice to walk away, but I thought I was in love. I thought if I tried hard enough, things would get better. Sometimes I felt like they did, but the horror always resurfaced because the horror was never going to go away until I walked away (abusive relationships are ALWAYS cyclical). The second relationship ended when the man cheated on me. But it was the blessing I needed to finally give me the strength to not only end it, but also to decide I would never put up with abuse and disrespect ever again. Abusers are typically narcissists. They will make you feel like you’re crazy. They will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship was your fault. Trust me, you are not crazy, and the only thing that was your fault was not leaving sooner. But lastly, abusers will make a perfectly strong individual feel weak and ugly to the point where that individual feels like no one else can love them better. This is not true at all. You are still strong, and someone can and will love you in the amazing way you deserve to be loved.

For myself, I had fun being single when I was single. But I later met a man who, now for the past 2 years, has shown me utmost respect and has loved me in spite of my good and less-than-good qualities. He is by no means perfect; no one is. But he, like me, has demonstrated a willingness to learn, improve, and grow if I call him out for something that might approach disrespect. And he has proven sincere in his efforts. I pray you will also find this in another person. But even if not, know that it is better to be alone and treat yourself well than to be mistreated by another.

In regards to your daughter, you must try to be honest with her in a way a young mind can understand. I agree with the others here in that you are her example. So for her, you must be someone who is strong, self-loving, and self-respecting, who holds herself out for only those who will love, respect, and appreciate her. Encourage your daughter to do the same. And make sure the next man or anyone else you bring into yours and her life will demonstrate this as well. I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

Am