Hi Malaya,

A very beautiful name. I have this same problem. However, my reason is due to having BPD a mental illness, also, being constantly abandoned, neglected, abused, rejected by an Alcoholic Mother. A very dysfunctional home. I did not receive love as a young child and this wreaked havoc in my adult life in all my relationships. How could I love someone, when I never had it, did not know what it looked like, what is was, did not know my own identity. Had Borderline Personality Disorder. It took decades of intensive outpatient and inpatient therapy to get over the trauma, and my severe mental illness and self harm. I am still on therapy and medication with a wonderful Psychiatrist and therapist.

There are many reasons we push people or the ones we love away. It could be fear. Fear of love. Fear that if we invest in something so huge, we will end up with nothing, fear of rejection, fear of not being “good enough”. It could be due to anxiety..anxiety like “am I good enough? Will this person find something better? It could be our guarded hearts and building walls. This could be due to past hurts, maybe from old childhood wounds or former painful break-ups. So many reasons why we pull away. It is best to explore these feelings in quality Psychotherapy. I do hope things get better for you. Please post with your thoughts and feelings. Have a Happy New Year. x

Dear Malaya:

Your behavior with boyfriends leads me to think that it is not love that you fear (“it’s the fear of love”, you wrote in your recent post). Love is not scary; it doesn’t hurt.

When you were a child, one of your parents, or both, showed you love, correct? On one hand she/ he expressed love for you, and on the other hand, he/she was aggressive toward you, somehow. Am I correct?

If I am, then it is the aggression you fear, the aggression you associate with a relationship. Hope to read your reply to my suggestion, and if you’d like, I will reply yet again.

anita

Dear Malaya:

In your early experience, you lived in a difficult situation: on one hand you needed love and on the other, the person who sometimes gave you love also attacked you at times.  So you were caught between reaching out to and at the same time running away from the same person: your source of love and danger.

Now you are still caught up in the same situation which is your early experience projected into the present. You assume, automatically, that a boyfriend is going to be loving and dangerous at the same time, so you reach out for his love at times and at other times you run away.

When in danger, we as humans/ animals feel fear. Following fear we either run away or get angry and fight. It is called the Flight (running away)/Fight response.

anita

You are welcome, Malaya. Post again anytime you would like to.

anita