Being a foster child is very difficult. Pretending that I’m a part of someone else’s family to avoid questions from outsiders is very tough. Seeing the histories, longevity connections and bonds that they all have and created a very long time ago is very difficult. Being an outsider always peering in is very difficult.

Being in a foster family knowing that they’ll always have and be there for one another is very difficult.

Being tolerated only because I am a free caregiver, company, chef, memory keeper, and cleaner for their mother and matriarch of their family..so they don’t have to take on much responsibility and burden, and expense to them is difficult. Hearing them rant, rave, and constantly thank me for my “service” is difficult and heartbreaking. A few months ago, one of her sons went on a 15 minute rant about how they were all thankful because I provide care to their mother for free, and if they were to hire someone else, it would cost a fortune..told me that’s why they “love” me.. as I listened, I wanted to crawl up and pass somewhere. It didn’t feel good to hear.

Being constantly threatened over the years to be kicked out if I don’t comply, or for every mistake and disagreement and being treated as disposable has been absolutely nerve and anxiety wrecking. I have no one else and no where else to go, and they know it.

Being constantly under pressure and often bullied into submission is tough.

Longing for my biological pack and tribe is a tough and difficult occurrence for me daily. .especially knowing that I was never wanted by them. .or genuinely wanted by anyone is very difficult..and I have developed a lot of complexes and depression. ..I’m always wondering what my life and myself would have been like if I had been genuinely loved and accepted by them is a constant on my mind. I’ll never know the answer to.

Seeing them belonging and belonging to one another is extremely difficult. I am terribly jealous of anyone with a family unit…even if it may be crummy. .at least some people have a chance to repair it, have people to claim, to talk to, to visit,, etc… I don’t.

Before foster care, growing up in a highly dysfunctional unhealthy, and household and environment was very tough and traumatizing. I am a highly scared, scared, dysfunctional, anxious, frienghten barely functional extremely damaged individual..is a tough and difficult thing to deal with…and come to terms with.

Bouncing around from residence to residence for numerous years has taken a huge toll on me..and effects me to this day still…it is probably a huge factor in always keeping my clothes in containers and trash bags.

Being isolated and rejected my whole life, has left me without proper social and interactive skills. I’ve never had a friend nor have been befriended ever. I have never been genuinely chosen.

I’ve spent most of my life and current days to myself..in mostly silence. No one talks to me..they talk at me…and only when the want something, or to give me orders.

I’ve been with my current foster family for almost 32 years, and none of them have ever taken a genuine interest in me, nor have had a proper conversation nor dialog with me. They’ve never asked anything, they don’t even know the basics about me.

It’s tough hearing my current foster mom using “I can understand why your family never wanted you”, ” I can understand why you don’t have friends or a husband because they would “delete” you, “you’re nothing but a pain in the butt”, etc… as a rebuttal..everytime I say or do something she disagrees with.

I’ve been a caregiver most of my life. I don’t know how to care for myself. I’ve been abused in various ways all throughout my life, I don’t know how to treat myself, nor do I know how to live healthy. All I know is dysfunction and unfortunately it is comforting to me.

Every place I have resided in, I’ve been abused and a caregiver. I was abused multiple times daily and forced to act as maid and babysitter of 2 small children at my previous home.