Hi Peter

Thank you for your kind message. It’s always a pleasure hearing your thoughts. I’m glad that my post helped you to feel that you are not alone with these issues. Likewise, hearing your thoughts makes me not feel alone with these things.

I have very similar experiences to you regarding these thoughts and I appreciate your insight. I would say that I have difficulty trusting the world. It’s unique because on the one hand I’ve had a lot of difficulties. On the other, I’ve been rather lucky. I think you hit the nail on the head about resisting circumstances.

I’m generally strong willed and believe in my own ability to change things. I feel like I’ve had to fight for a lot in my life and surrendering or letting go can be challenging. To me, it feels like giving up.

Your analogy, like spitting in the wind made me smile. It is so true!

So far in a week, I’ve had two days without these thoughts and two days where the thoughts occurred specifically as I was writing down that I haven’t had these thoughts. So you’re definitely right about trying not to think about these thoughts can cause it.

These thoughts don’t upset me persay. I can move on pretty quickly from them. I think it’s the idea of it happening that bothers me. Seeing it as something to solve. I figured out how to be happy and how to love myself. This is almost the last major thing other than continuing to work on anxiety.

I’d love to hear more about your thoughts and experiences!

Hi Peter

Definitely! I hear you about the frustration. 😂

I noticed some things about the days these thoughts do occur vs days they don’t. I’m definitely experiencing more stress on the days I have these thoughts. Days with less stress and more self-care are the days I don’t experience these thoughts.

I’m learning a lot about regulating my nervous system at the moment. This is something that I struggle with. I hope it will help me manage stress a little better!

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your advice. Wishing you all the best! 🙏

I’ve actually had a small breakthrough with this recently.

When I was a child I had my abusive mother’s voice in my head. It was very clear.

Over the years as I worked on my mental health and learned to be kinder to myself it stopped sounding like her. If that makes sense.

Now that I think about it, these days this anxious voice as it were might be more polite. But the sentiment is still designed to make me feel the way that she would. She wanted to make me feel alone in the world, unable to trust other people. She wanted me to be afraid, so she could feel powerful. She wanted me to feel like I was incapable of protecting myself from her.

Historically, this voice was around in my weakest, most vulnerable moments.

One thing that my schema therapist always wanted me to do was role play and speak to my mother as it were to challenge her but at the time I was too afraid even imagining her. My therapist alway challenged her for me.

So I guess I’m going to try challenging these thoughts thinking of them as coming from memories of my mother and see how it goes.

I’ll report back on how things go!

Hi Sarah

Thank you for your kindness and sharing! I really appreciate it, especially since you used to suffer in silence. I’m sorry to hear that things are still hard in general. It sounds like you’ve had a difficult life. I think everyone deserves a break, especially kind people. I hope good things come your way. I will definitely check out the reading recommendations. ☺️

I hope you know that you did nothing wrong by sharing your feelings with the patient. Their death was not because of you.

I agree that things are senseless and I find that comforting. I used to blame myself for my mother not loving me when I was younger and realising that it was just circumstance being born to her and she was the messed up one was a relief. I’m no longer in contact.

Learning to accept pain and let go is hard. Well done on accepting it today!

My therapist used to say that pain from trauma doesn’t disappear but it does get smaller and easier to bear as you heal. I’ve found this to be true, but still I have an irrational hope that one day it will heal completely.

Reporting back on my experience with the role play my therapist used to recommend. I don’t think it worked out quite the way that she intended. Instead of a “confrontation” I ended up forgiving her. I didn’t ever think I would be capable of that. It was quite unexpected.

I realised that she was quite young when she had me, and was knocked up by a guy 10 years her senior who had a habit of abandoning women once he had children with them. She wasn’t ready to be alone with 2 kids and before she ever met my father she’d already had traumatic experiences. Another thing was that she didn’t trust anyone and was very much alone. I think she had 3 friends over 15 years. 1 who she betrayed, 1 who died and another who chose to take me in and that ended that relationship.

I feel like people are made up of the people they spend time with and the experiences they have. She didn’t have help. She chose to re-enact her own abuse in the role of the abuser to make herself feel powerful and she hated herself for it. None of this is any excuse for what she did or makes any of it okay. I hope that she changes.

On the other hand, I have been very lucky. I have had a lot of help. Not just from therapists, but people in general. I have never been alone like that.

Hi Sarah

Thank you for your support and kind words!

I find that it can take time for emotions to catch up to what we logically know. It sounds like you did the right thing for your friend at the time by being there for them and empathising. I’m glad that you recognise it wasn’t your fault. It’s painful to lose a friend and your desire for things to be different also comes from a place of love.

Thank you for sharing the quote that helped you. I’ve found it to be true, maybe not immediately but over time. Another quote that it reminds me of is “The only constant in life is change.” Heraclitus. I’m a big fan of hope and change but  patience and understanding are key to keeping expectations realistic. All we can really do is try and take one day at a time.

Side effect of medications are tricky to manage! I hope that you can get things worked out soon. 🙏

I agree, something that helped me was writing down my fears and then the outcome of situations as it taught me that my fears were unrealistic and disproportionate. Knowing this, it’s easier to manage my anxiety now.

Reflecting on times where I handled emergencies well helped me to develop confidence in my ability to handle stressful situations. Stress still sucks though!

I think it’s amazing that you’ve done so many great things! Giving feedback on treatment programs and advocacy are incredible feats.

I’ve always wanted to be involved in activism around rape. But unfortunately I’m not ready yet, it’s still a trigger for me. Definitely something for me to aspire to one day!

Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of therapy and I do see those qualities in myself.

I agree that abuse is never justified. I think that it takes hard work and compassion for people to overcome their trauma. I learned when I was young it’s very easy to have no desire for self control and take pain out on others. It can be hard to make changes, but it’s incredibly worthwhile.

I think the difficulty is that whilst I’m not in that situation anymore, I still remember it and I feel like these experiences become a part of us. A part that I believe can be healed.

It’s difficult to explain but the way I conceptualise it is there is who we are when we are emotionally stable and not triggered. Then there are depressive or anxious thoughts that are related to memories of trauma.

I’ve done some further work as the habitual si thoughts arise. Confronting my mother. Not all of it was forgiving and understanding. A lot of it was anger. I think my therapist would be happy that I’ve been able to get to this point finally. It was never safe at home for me to be angry as my mother escalated the abuse in response.

I noticed that some anxious and depressed thoughts remind me of other influences in my life. I know people that have struggled with trauma and depression and I think even though it’s not abuse, as a child it’s something that can be easily internalised if adults overshare deepest fears. It’s kind of scary how much kids pick up of the world around them. That’s why I think who we choose to spend time with is important. Having good influences helped me a lot.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that people who suffer from mental health conditions are a bad influence on children. Quite the opposite. But there are some people who manage their depression well and others who don’t. It’s the latter category that I believe can cause some issues. But the world is full of unique issues that it’s impossible to protect children from. As long as people love their kids and do their best to protect them, I think that’s all children really need. Learning to deal with issues is just part of growing up.

Sorry for rambling! Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Sanj

Thank you for your kindness! I’m glad that you have found comfort with the tips you shared.

I’m struggling at the moment.

As a trauma victim there is no mental health support available during pregnancy. It hurts so much to deal with my fears regarding birth and parental intimacy without professional support. Pregnancy hormones don’t help either because they amplify my emotions a lot.

I seem to be jumping from topic to topic in my mind worrying about it. My mind tells me that this will help me to prepare. But I know that in the past, my mind has lied to me and this isn’t always true.

I started going to church which has been helping.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏