Overprotective parents PLEASE HELP

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Mish.

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December 30, 2015 at 3:37 pm #90942

Jade
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I am 16, a junior in high school. My mother refuses to leave me home alone and when I ask why she offers no explanation. Often times when I say that I would like to stay home she tells me “suck it up, we’re not leaving you home.” What usually occurs is she or my dad burst into my room or yell at me from downstairs to wake up. Then, I am rushed and asked if I’m ready multiple times and often blamed for making them late. They further complain that I wake up too late in the day as well and force me to get up earlier.

Sometimes they don’t even give me time to eat before we go. It’s irritating and inconsiderate. As I get older I want space from my parents. I don’t always or if ever want to go to the mall with them or to their appointments or the grocery store and i’m confused as to why they insist to always take me along. We all have cell phones, our home has a security system , and our city has a crime level of zero (suburban). I am responsible and show maturity so there’s no reason to not trust me. I think she might have some form of separation or general anxiety. I’ve heard of children staying home alone , why can’t I? Why won’t she offer me a choice instead of forcing me like a baby? I’m now too afraid to ask or even try to negotiate because i’ll be snapped at and I feel stuck as if my feelings don’t matter and I can’t be independent.

My mother also cleans my room, bathroom, does my laundry , does my hair, and complains I don’t help her around the house. When I offer to clean, she says no out of me not wanting to work with “harsh chemicals.” Asked her to let me do my hair myself and she said she doesn’t want it to get damaged or claims that it won’t come out right. Oh and forget about dying it or adding extensions!

I’m in dire need of a license. Summer is coming up and I need to be able to drive for volunteering and work to build my resume. She claims she’ll drive me but I want to drive myself. Last time I tried to discuss this it turned into an argument and I was told it was my fault I didn’t have one, and that driving classes weren’t needed to get a license and she’d teach me herself.

How do I deal with this? I feel trapped and I really want independence. I’m treated as if I’m 10 years old, and when I voice this I’m mocked and told suck it up.

December 30, 2015 at 4:53 pm #90945

jock
Participant

impressed by your mature, well-written post Jade.
Actually I feel sorry for you. I think your parents are too controlling. But just remember, it’s tough to live independently without a well-paid job these days. So you may have to put up with certain restrictions at home and tough it out. I’m sorry but it seems your parents may not be in listening mode. One idea is to try to get in their good books, in order to win their approval. But don’t overdo it. 🙂

December 30, 2015 at 8:51 pm #90976

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jade:

I think you and your mother should attend a relationship psychotherapy to learn there interpersonal skills. Your mother needs to learn those no less than you, that is for sure.

Suggest to her to attend such therapy. Some counseling so she can be taught how to interact with her and some basic parenting skills for teenagers.

anita

December 30, 2015 at 8:53 pm #90979

Anonymous
Guest

Correction+: counseling so she can be taught how to interact with you … and how to parent you. She needs help and guidance in doing a better job.

December 30, 2015 at 9:33 pm #90996
Aislynn
Participant
Jade,

My sympathies. It must be hard to live in such a controlled environment. Like Juanita said, you’ll have to deal with the restrictions and tough it out. After all, it is their house and they are providing for you. I’m 20 and still live at home with my parents. And while it isn’t easy, it’s my only option if I want to be able to go to school full time without having to worry about rent and bills. Since I do not work, I don’t help with the bills. However, I do have restrictions, as in a curfew, no TV after 10 pm in my room, I have to do all of the chores 3 days of the week, and I have to help out with my younger brother who is 8. It’s not easy because I don’t always agree with the things they make me do, but I tough it out because they are doing me a great favor. Things could be worse.

Your parents care about you and it is great that they look after you, but not too such an extreme. Trying cooking them dinner, washing the car, or something else that is simple (and your mom doesn’t think is dangerous or harmful) that could show your parents that you are responsible. Otherwise they’ll keep on babying you.

It’s interesting that your mom does everything for you. Most teenagers would complain about all the chores their parents make them do. So perhaps your mom is doing everything her parents didn’t do with her? Just a wild guess. Otherwise why go to such extremes?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Aislynn.
December 30, 2015 at 11:20 pm #91018

Annie
Participant

Hi Jade,

I can relate to your frustration as my parents are controlling as well. Because you have already talked to your parents about it and nothing has happened, I think it may just be up to you to figure things out. It’s so much easier to continue to control you if you don’t learn how to do things on your own. You may reach a certain point where you feel helpless and dependent because you never learned how to be on your own. Start small and do things like doing your own laundry, cleaning your room, and doing your own hair. Start small and begin creating boundaries. Good luck

March 29, 2016 at 6:29 am #100382

Mish
Participant

Hello Jade,

I can understand the frustration I can hear coming from not being able to be do things on your own or for decisions for yourself. I have a very similar mother who I can recall in my teenage years would like you wake me up at 8am or so, and then rush through my entire routine of getting ready because she was already ready downstairs. When we went out to restaurants especially I remember having to match their speed of eating because they had wanted to eat and leave as soon as possible.

Like the many who said before me, your mother loves you and really cares about you and I can definitely tell that any argumentative response would only tighten the reins even further then they already are. The best way I can tell you
to handle a mother like that is to begin to do more for yourself. I understand that she is cleaning your room, laundry, etc. but
like the other said you can set boundaries to this or even clean it before your mother could even get to it . Listen to your mother attentively for a little bit at time, when she’s in a good mood with you could try asking for things such as your license or doing your chores. If she says no, rinse and repeat. 🙂
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