Hi Tiny Buddha Community,

I wanted to get this off my chest. Relationships are hard for me! I’ve always known this but recently I’ve become more aware. I’m 24 years old. I never had a lot of friends even though I’m such a friendly person. I’ve moved a lot so I think this is why. I also isolated myself a little more then I should of. Since I’ve been at a University this year I’ve made some great friends. I even have a best friend and I’m beyond thankful. Friendships are good!

Intimate relationships not so much. I’ve had relationships but they never felt real (meaning connection was off). When I was a teenager I fell “in love” with this guy who bullied me, took my virginity without my consent and always made me feel less then. This went on for over 6 years. I felt like a prisoner. I was “addicted” to this boy. I never even realized I was raped until later because I was so brain washed by him.

When I was a junior in high school I became addicted to drugs. This wasn’t a lovely time in my life. I slept with a few to many people. I don’t even remember everything. I know this sounds awful but I wasn’t myself. I don’t believe that any of those “flings” were real. I try to just forget them. Honestly, I do.

Then, When I was 18 I had a boyfriend who I adored. Out relationship was innocent but the drugs lingered in my mind which made me a horrible person. I wasn’t myself. Things ended ugly and he committed suicide. Unfortunately, I blamed myself for years because I made a mistake and cheated on him with his best friend. Like I said, I wasn’t myself. Drugs made me an ugly person. I was so hurt. As the hurt piled and piled. His suicide was when my life ended but began..

I got clean. I stayed with myself. I didn’t get involved with anyone and I learned how to forgive myself the best way I could. I grieved the best way I knew how. I moved a lot. I worked a lot. I got my associates degree. Now I am getting my bachelors. While getting my associates degree I did date some guys. One guy I dated for 2 years but it was only because I was so scared to be alone. He was more like a “dad”. He would fix my car. I’d all him if I needed help. It was horrible of me but he wouldn’t let me go. The others were not very nice people and I knew they were never the one for me. I always found guys that were negative, caused anxiety in me and hurt me. I had a spiritual awakening in July 2017. My life changed. I realized what I wanted in my life. I found this love that was always there but it’s like I turned on the tv for the first time and I could see everything.

Once I moved to University, I met this guy on a camping trip. We hangout and he suddenly kissed me out of no where. We became intertwined. I was excited. He was the first guy I’ve been with that I actually felt something. He was interested in a lot of things that I was. This has been going on for 6 months. I wanted more and I learned that he isn’t at a place in his life for commitment. He’s as free as a bird. He is very lovely and he was only with me intimately but emotionally he didn’t really believe in relationships. This messed with my head. It’s been a roller coaster of feelings for me. I decided to try and move on. I joined a dating site and a lot of men have been trying to talk to me. One guy kept talking to me and asked for my number. First I said no, then I decided why not. I could always block him. We have been talking. He’s nice. We even talked on the phone for a lot of hours. He wants to take me on a date. I’m considering this. I do want to meet him but I feel a little overwhelmed. I don’t know how to take compliments like “you’re so cute” or ” I miss you”. He talked about how he wants a family in his future and blah blah. I freeze because I can’t even see myself having a boyfriend let alone having a family. It feels like it’s a little to fast. I just don’t see my future like he does. I also have all this past trauma that has shaped me. I fear being in a relationship even though I have so much love to give to someone because I really honestly do love myself. I’ve grown so much. I am not who I use to be. I just don’t know how to handle dating.

It felt good to write this all out. Maybe some of this doesn’t make sense and I apologize for “talking” so much. If anyone has any incite for me I’d love to hear it.

Thank you,

Christine

• This topic was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Christine.