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  • #204203
    Christine
    Participant

    Hi Tiny Buddha Community,

    I wanted to get this off my chest. Relationships are hard for me! I’ve always known this but recently I’ve become more aware. I’m 24 years old. I never had a lot of friends even though I’m such a friendly person. I’ve moved a lot so I think this is why. I also isolated myself a little more then I should of. Since I’ve been at a University this year I’ve made some great friends. I even have a best friend and I’m beyond thankful. Friendships are good!

    Intimate relationships not so much. I’ve had relationships but they never felt real (meaning connection was off). When I was a teenager I fell “in love” with this guy who bullied me, took my virginity without my consent and always made me feel less then. This went on for over 6 years. I felt like a prisoner. I was “addicted” to this boy. I never even realized I was raped until later because I was so brain washed by him.

    When I was a junior in high school I became addicted to drugs. This wasn’t a lovely time in my life. I slept with a few to many people. I don’t even remember everything. I know this sounds awful but I wasn’t myself. I don’t believe that any of those “flings” were real. I try to just forget them. Honestly, I do.

    Then, When I was 18 I had a boyfriend who I adored. Out relationship was innocent but the drugs lingered in my mind which made me a horrible person. I wasn’t myself. Things ended ugly and he committed suicide. Unfortunately, I blamed myself for years because I made a mistake and cheated on him with his best friend. Like I said, I wasn’t myself. Drugs made me an ugly person. I was so hurt. As the hurt piled and piled. His suicide was when my life ended but began..

    I got clean. I stayed with myself. I didn’t get involved with anyone and I learned how to forgive myself the best way I could. I grieved the best way I knew how. I moved a lot. I worked a lot. I got my associates degree. Now I am getting my bachelors. While getting my associates degree I did date some guys. One guy I dated for 2 years but it was only because I was so scared to be alone. He was more like a “dad”. He would fix my car. I’d all him if I needed help. It was horrible of me but he wouldn’t let me go. The others were not very nice people and I knew they were never the one for me. I always found guys that were negative, caused anxiety in me and hurt me. I had a spiritual awakening in July 2017. My life changed. I realized what I wanted in my life. I found this love that was always there but it’s like I turned on the tv for the first time and I could see everything.

    Once I moved to University, I met this guy on a camping trip. We hangout and he suddenly kissed me out of no where. We became intertwined. I was excited. He was the first guy I’ve been with that I actually felt something. He was interested in a lot of things that I was. This has been going on for 6 months. I wanted more and I learned that he isn’t at a place in his life for commitment. He’s as free as a bird. He is very lovely and he was only with me intimately but emotionally he didn’t really believe in relationships. This messed with my head. It’s been a roller coaster of feelings for me. I decided to try and move on. I joined a dating site and a lot of men have been trying to talk to me. One guy kept talking to me and asked for my number. First I said no, then I decided why not. I could always block him. We have been talking. He’s nice. We even talked on the phone for a lot of hours. He wants to take me on a date. I’m considering this. I do want to meet him but I feel a little overwhelmed. I don’t know how to take compliments like “you’re so cute” or ” I miss you”. He talked about how he wants a family in his future and blah blah. I freeze because I can’t even see myself having a boyfriend let alone having a family. It feels like it’s a little to fast. I just don’t see my future like he does. I also have all this past trauma that has shaped me. I fear being in a relationship even though I have so much love to give to someone because I really honestly do love myself. I’ve grown so much. I am not who I use to be. I just don’t know how to handle dating.

    It felt good to write this all out. Maybe some of this doesn’t make sense and I apologize for “talking” so much. If anyone has any incite for me I’d love to hear it.

     

    Thank you,

    Christine

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Christine.
    #204213
    Regi
    Participant

    You haven’t had the easiest life, but admire your spiritual growth at this point.

    I’m a little confused because I don’t see a specific question but Christine, I think you need some time being single. Being single you can even further improve your mental growth and happiness. Being single I mean also stop having contact with boys who show they want more of you than friendship. Make fun with friends, focus on your bachelors degree !

    Greetings

    Regi

     

    #204269
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christine:

    You wrote: “I really honestly do love myself. I’ve grown so much. I am not who I used to be.”

    There is nothing like a new intimate relationship to challenge our growth and to bring back the way we used to be. Emotional attachment brings about old fears and it can be overwhelming.

    This is why if you do choose to meet this man, better take it very, very slowly. Let him know this. If you meet him at all.

    If you do, get to know him as a friend, aim perhaps at three months (you decide, of course) of friendship only, nothing more. Let him know, see if he agrees, if he is interested in friendship only for this or that amount of time, to be re-evaluated later.

    anita

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