January 29, 2015 at 4:13 pm #72085
Sooo…..where to begin?
I’ve been hopelessly depressed lately due to the situation I am in. Long story short, I purchased a house from my parents which they had been rented…and also had converted from a commercial property. This was 10 years ago, I was a mere 26 years old, just starting out in life. Well anyone who knows the real estate market realizes 2005 was hot and I was approved with no money down, and decided against a home inspection. It is a super small house with no basement and only two bedrooms. My though process was that it was ‘affordable’ compared to the market at the time and I would just sell it after a few years and move up to a larger house. Well I got engaged a month later and married a year later. As I started to repair things around the house I quickly realized everything was done quick and cheap, leaving me upset. To really bring the feelings home, upon climbing into the attic I realize there is significant fire damage which I had never been made aware of, no insulation and no ventilation.
Being one to always shy away from confrontation, I called my parents and asked about the fire. They simply responded that they knew nothing about it and it was news to them. There was not however, any additional conversations regarding it, no inquiry as to how bad, etc. etc. I even blame my lack of assertiveness as to purchasing the house, since I did feel somewhat obligated. Mind you, to make matters more confusing, I was just starting my addiction to prescription medication during all this, an addiction which is shared by my parents family, sibling, uncle (lost my uncle to an OD)….
Last spring, after all these years and maybe because I am grateful that I detoxed and have been free from my addiction for nearly four years, I decided I need to confront them again on the fire. Mind you, they are still in active addiction and basically tried to blame it on a tenant, which just insults my intelligence. After a very painful month of May last year, other uncle decides to commit suicide on Memorial Day. Funeral, etc…family is together and civil but things are not good.
Fast forward to this past fall, things getting worse with my parents, I am filled with major regret, resentment, anger, on top of financially losing my shirt on this property. I have invested nearly 250K in a small house which is full of defects. The current appraisal is around 170K and that does not include the structural fire damage. I am bound to this property and have lost so much because of it.
The bs continues with family, I file for a no trespass order and then go to court to apply for restraining order on mom and dad. Try to ‘resolve’ things the day before court with my grandfather, but more lies, and I tell my parents they are dead to me. One monkey wrench here is i have a young daughter who adores her grandmother and grandfather (my parents) and due to this we decide not to show up at court to pursue the permanent restraining order.
Holidays come and superficial relationship exists, family using drugs while I’m there on Xmas, and with me being in recovery is just complete crap. I hate this house, can’t sell it, can’t short sale because i’m employed and feel hopeless.
Really need suggestions on how to “move on” but my only options are to just walk away and let the property foreclose, wrecking my credit and costing me every penny left to my name to purchase a new house. On top of that, I would be liable for the difference owed to the bank and would still be losing money on a house I wouldn’t own anymore.
My wife cannot understand how hopeless, angry, resentful, regretful, etc. I feel and thinks “life will go on” or “this too will pass.”
It will not pass, I feel I blew my chances in life, and screwed up the biggest purchase of my life. My wife not only never wanted me to buy this house, but also told me to get it inspected. Maybe it was the partying I was doing, maybe it was my selfish self, or maybe I just wanted the next “big step’ in life since I am always impatient and used to treat life as a race…..which I painfully realize is not the case. Enjoy the journey……..which I feel I just wallow in negative emotions, rumination and depression these days.
Thanks for anyone who is listening, or should I say reading…..that was long!!
ps. I have seen a counselor on and off but do not get too much out of it…January 30, 2015 at 2:31 am #72102KathParticipant
I can understand your pain and anger. The relationship to your family really seems to be troubled. I just want to give you a few thoughts I have on this:
1. For yourself: We all make mistakes. Big mistakes. Life mistakes. It is ok to make mistakes! You need to accept the situation and stop blaming yourself or others for how it is. It’s not a cool situation to be in, but there are much worse…
2. You cannot change your family. What do you expect of them? That they admit something, apologize, something else? This will probably not happen! It is hard to let go of your expectations, but these expectations and your anger seem to be the things that make the situation so unbearable… not the situation itself!
3. Your daughter obviously deserves to have contact to her grandparents. However, this does not mean you have to spend christmas with them! Is there any way she can have a relationship with them (maybe your wife can hold the contact?) and you can get some distance from your family?
4. It’s just money. This is one of the most important things I learnt in life so far. Sure, money gives security, and the thought of having lost a lot of money on the house is frustrating. But your job is not to hold on to tht frustration and anger. Your job is to take care of yourself, and deal with the situation in a way that is actually healthy and good for you! I cannot tell you which way that might be, but you should put your mental and emotional health before money.
5. You do have a house, dont you? Maybe it costed you more than you should have. Maybe you could have had a nicer house by now… But we are all in this kind of game, and with having a house at all you are still one of the winners 🙂
Your wife doesnt even seem to blame you, does she? So why would you do it yourself?
I’m really sorry if this is though love, I really feel with you and can understand your anger and pain. But I also feel that it is the key to how this situation will resolve. You cannot change the situation or others, you can only change yourself and the way you deal with things. Maybe your counsellor is not a good fit, and you need to try someone else? There are good ones out there, sometimes it takes time to find them!
Hang in there!January 30, 2015 at 4:41 am #72108
Thanks for the kind response, I do appreciate it! I guess we can’t change people and humans do make mistakes, however I am really tough on myself and can’t seem to find any peace. I realize I will never receive an admission of guilt or an apology, however it just frustrates me that someone could do this to their own child.
Yes, we do have a roof over our heads, granted and I should be grateful for that. Emotionally, everyone agrees I need to physically get out of the environment and I can’t stand feeling trapped, with no solutions as to how I can move on. That fact, the ‘stuck’ part I guess is what really hits home and affects me the most.
Peace to all……..DJanuary 30, 2015 at 9:48 pm #72131BohemianZenParticipant
In your story I can see similarities with my story.
I’ve been in a very opening healing journey for the past 4 years and things get better, it is a very painful process but it is definitely worth it. So I would like to share my opinion about your situation.
You should consider your relationship with your parents if is not healthy not matter the fact they are your parents have not right to treat you the way they do, listen to your feelings, to your body and trust it if doesn’t feel right you should stop contact with them even if is temporarily to focus on your own recovery. Ask yourself if is healthy for your daughter to have her grandparents around, ask if those people who have treated you so badly and seem to not have remorse or regret about it are safe to be around her.
start seeing yourself from a compassionate point of view, of course we all make mistakes, those like us trained to take care or ourselves without being able to count on our caregivers tend to beat ourselves up a lot, unconditional self-love and compassion is necessary to start to heal.
Your wife seems like someone who supports you, you don’t own nothing to your birth family love is not a privilege is a right
I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which help me a lot, and I like experimenting with holistic therapies, and get inspired by writers, speakers and so on, in my case my two favourites at the moment are Paulo Coelho, and Alejandro Jodorowsky, the second one advices practices that are symbolic and that help a lot, like for example: on a piece of paper write all the negative things that people of influence in your life told you, then burnt the paper and then cover yourself with the ashes while you say ” I transform this curses into blessings, I will develop all my possibilities and I will be triumphant, I will love and I will be loved, I bless my authentic self” well that just and idea and my translation to his words hehe.
The ways to heal are infinite so don’t give up!, I wish you the best so you unfold the live you truly want and deserve.January 31, 2015 at 8:17 am #72142
Thanks again for the feedback above. Things get so deeply rooted, I was born with birth defects and my parents were 19 when they had me. I honestly attribute it to their partying teenage lifestyle. Being born with physical facial defects, it has filled me with anxiety and self consciousness for as long as I can remember. To now be in this current situation with my parents, the one relationship which is supposed to be most loving, unconditional, and longest of all personal relationships, just feels so hurtful.
I realize their lifestyle with addiction has a lot to do with this, but i will not allow that as an excuse. Especially since “it takes one to know one”….I was fully functioning throughout my addiction years, full time job and a good parent. They have never punched a clock, worked the system, lived and still live in house one was raised in, never provided health insurance for us, etc. etc. I should have know better but I trusted that my own parents wouldn’t steer me the wrong way and screw me. I struggle daily with whether or not to allow my daughter to see them. They watched her one day last month and it killed me inside, such a horrible feeling.
They are both on public assistance and I believe they are getting ready to sell the house. I was threatened with being ‘so screwed’ if I pursued the restraining order in court, which I never showed up and they ultimately dropped the case. I don’t even want any money they would have given me if the house sells, and what a way to maintain a relationship, basically by bribing. Even being there on Christmas, the drug use in my face, as I approach four years clean almost feels intentional……So much hurt and pain….DJanuary 31, 2015 at 3:31 pm #72162SteveParticipant
I’m sorry that you are going through this.
My first point…..what “Kath” said. She’s hit the nail on the head.
Second point….you probably know this, but you don’t know how to change your mindset. That’s the hardest part for all of us and there’s no quick fix. It’s a lot of hard and repetitive “head work”.
One thing I do know is that this old saying is very relevant…” Blame, anger and resentment is like drinking a glass of poison and expecting the other person to die”. The only person hurting here is you.
Your challenge is to work on your mindset…little bit by little bit…until:
1. You can accept that the reality is that people make mistakes, and they most often do that, not maliciously, but by ignorance or other distractions or other priorities. We don’t all live and think and react in line with your formula of how the world should work.
2. You accept that you you can make mistakes, once again, not on purpose, but because you had other beliefs or priorities at the time of the decision…eg the decision not to get a building inspection. I bet if you looked back at that moment in time, you had a very good reason NOT to get one. Just because events have turned out differently, doesn’t make your initial assessment any the less valid.
3. You accept that, because of items 1 and 2, life doesn’t always go to plan…and we have to make the best of what we have been dealt with. There is no alternative.
You won’t come to these understandings immediately, but over time, if you are persistent, you can change your beliefs. And it is your beliefs that will dictate how you react to everything the world throws at you.
Good luck in your journey….if you choose to take it.January 31, 2015 at 5:24 pm #72166
I can accept mistakes, but the rumination and false sense of security of purchasing something through family “shouldn’t” turn out this way just eats at me I guess. I didn’t have a very good reason NOT to get it inspected, probably my lack of negotiating skills, or whatever, I really didn’t want to haggle with my parents and growing up around construction I had no reason to think it would have had so many defects, if that is in line with my formula of how the world should work….i don’t know.
My therapist says ‘radical acceptance’ and it is in line with what you guys are saying here.
Thank you for the kind words of wisdom, upward and onward….February 2, 2015 at 3:38 pm #72275
how do we get over anger, forgiving someone and not contacting them anymore really is not forgiving is it?February 4, 2015 at 1:33 am #72334T. NoelParticipant
Dee, I can see in your situations “Sunk Cost Fallacy”. I have done this myself many a time, but am learning. It sounds like you are invested in the house, and you are invested in family just by belonging to it, but have trouble walking away, even though you are losing and in over your head with both.
I believe that you can let go of anger, forgive AND cut off ties with people. I have extremely toxic family and have had to do just that. The forgiveness actually came with the true acceptance of who they are (hurt people, who hurt others), and then completely letting go of the control that I don’t have, and not dwelling on what they will never give me. I choose the family that I made for myself after leaving a bad home. Making this decision is very freeing, and I have no regrets. Better to let go.
If your parents are using, it is most definitely healthy for you to stay clear and protect your child. Please, don’t waste your time and energy arguing with anyone who is in a poor mental state, or hoping they will take responsibility for anything.
On a separate note… I’ve also lived in two houses that I grew to hate for good reason (one bought with controlling in-laws and one bought in a place I did not choose to be, because my husband took a job in another state without talking to me) and it felt like being swallowed alive by the house every day I walked in the door. I fantasized about a sink hole opening up underneath them when I took the kids to school. Leaving was stressful, unpredictable and costly, but so worth it. Don’t give a building or money control over your happiness. If you can’t let go of the pain or stress associated with the house and the money and live there in peace, then let go of the house and the money. Take deep breaths. Hang in there.February 4, 2015 at 4:11 pm #72390
^ Thank you for the response, you have hit the nail on the head with how we feel about this house as well. Have a meeting scheduled Monday with a lawyer to see exactly what our options are as far as getting out of this house. It is exactly sunk cost fallacy, and realize we will never get the money back that we have lost. My concern is to get out of this place without losing any more money, or at least trying to stop the financial bleeding.
Parents are absolutely using, even mistakenly texted me on xmas eve morning rather than their dealer. More lies about it, and caused a huge blowout on xmas eve, just what everyone wants to do with their mother on that day…..Just really struggling with how to forgive and let go of anger. Also don’t forgive myself for being so stupid an naive when I bought this damn house. I realize they will never take responsibility for anything and arguing with them is futile.
I am becoming okay with letting go of the house and money, however I feel even if / when we do get out of here, my financial situation will be so screwed up with no savings, no credit and no house that i will still be unhappy with the decisions that put me in this mess…..i am my worst enemy when it comes to being hard on myself…..
Thanks for the response.February 7, 2015 at 2:05 pm #72485BenzRabbitParticipant
You have been given some good advice by folks above.
Without getting into details, I will only add that the real estate market is going to take a nose dive again soon – if you intend to sell your house you need do it ASAP so you do not lose any more money !
God bless and good luck !!February 7, 2015 at 2:51 pm #72487
well, can’t sell for anywhere near what I need just to pay off the mortgage. Also have no where to go, so we are stuck here and bound to this property, which in lies the painful regret and resentment…….talking with a lawyer soon, hopefully to get some answers…