Forum Replies Created
March 3, 2015 at 1:43 pm #73469T. NoelParticipant
How difficult. I’m so sorry for both of you, and for your children.
I’d suggest just being the best you (rather than the best husband) that you can be. Titles like “husband” and “wife” can sometimes hold so much more importance than they are worth, and just get in the way. Some unmarried people are more married and committed than those who took vows. Doing what is right will always be beneficial to both of you, regardless of title, and dropping the need to be that to her will take unnecessary pressure off of both of you.
Continue doing what you are, without needs for yourself, even if it is exhausting. She is the one with mortality on the line, on top of the sheer violating nature of cancer. I’m sure you are scared; you love her. Be strong. The best thing you can do is to care, love, and be selfless. Hang in there!February 4, 2015 at 1:33 am #72334T. NoelParticipant
Dee, I can see in your situations “Sunk Cost Fallacy”. I have done this myself many a time, but am learning. It sounds like you are invested in the house, and you are invested in family just by belonging to it, but have trouble walking away, even though you are losing and in over your head with both.
I believe that you can let go of anger, forgive AND cut off ties with people. I have extremely toxic family and have had to do just that. The forgiveness actually came with the true acceptance of who they are (hurt people, who hurt others), and then completely letting go of the control that I don’t have, and not dwelling on what they will never give me. I choose the family that I made for myself after leaving a bad home. Making this decision is very freeing, and I have no regrets. Better to let go.
If your parents are using, it is most definitely healthy for you to stay clear and protect your child. Please, don’t waste your time and energy arguing with anyone who is in a poor mental state, or hoping they will take responsibility for anything.
On a separate note… I’ve also lived in two houses that I grew to hate for good reason (one bought with controlling in-laws and one bought in a place I did not choose to be, because my husband took a job in another state without talking to me) and it felt like being swallowed alive by the house every day I walked in the door. I fantasized about a sink hole opening up underneath them when I took the kids to school. Leaving was stressful, unpredictable and costly, but so worth it. Don’t give a building or money control over your happiness. If you can’t let go of the pain or stress associated with the house and the money and live there in peace, then let go of the house and the money. Take deep breaths. Hang in there.