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Ex has breast cancer. Too connected. Need some perspective.

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  • February 28, 2015 at 10:20 pm #73377
    yoda428
    Participant

    So, been here before a few times,
    generally about relationship with ex wife. Codependency is the monkey on my back but it’s not cut and dry, it’s weird. Here’s the story. I’m 50. Divorced two and a half years ago. Basically her choice. Two kids d 19, s 14. Ex and I get along well, but I’ve had my issues letting go.

    I’ve been working on boundaries forever. She’s pretty much cut me off in terms of any feelings.

    So, cutting to the issue at hand…right before Xmas she is diagnosed with breast cancer. I jump into action saying I’ll support, she says ok. I go to some of her appointments, I’m feeling connected, I know I’m honestly feeding on this telling myself this connection has to mean something. It doesn’t from her part.

    Skip to chemo starting and she had to shave her head two days ago. Ugh. Sad and heartbreaking. Her and I text often. She tells me her feelings but still I know she wants distance. She says how ugly she feels and I listen, and encourage and let her just be but all the while I’m still thinking I’m in love with her. Or am I? I’m getting nothing really except suffering. I really do care and like being around her. We connect on a certain level. Good parents together, history, etc.

    Today she sent me a picture of herself with shaved head. She’s an attractive woman, I was really taken aback at how sexy she looked bald. I texted back saying, “you won’t believe me but I think it is sexy as hell. I love it!” So, feeling horribly stupid I said that.

    I’m constantly complementing her and at the same time listening and mirroring back her feelings. These compliments aren’t just sweet talk, I mean what I say. She said thank you, sent me another picture with her in her wig. Trying to paint the picture of this connection we have yet always a distance from her and me always reading into something more.

    So, the chemo will take its toll over the coming months, she’ll need me, I’ll make myself available just as though I was her husband but I’m not. I can’t not care, it’s hard to watch her go through this but, you can see it’s not easy to lay back and move on. She needs me but doesn’t want me.

    Anyway, just looking for some perspective and thoughts out there with you spiritually minded folks.

    Thoughts?

    March 1, 2015 at 6:28 am #73381
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi yoda428,

    Your ex-wife is giving it her all just to get through the day. She doesn’t have enough energy relate to other people. She might not feel anything at all except maybe fear and concern at the moment.

    That said, she needs all the support she can get. Take care of the kids. Make sure the house and their schedules are running. Food in the fridge. A clean house when she gets home. Hire outside care if you can. Schedule drivers. Make sure her affairs are in order just in case.

    You are her friend, and you are family because of the kids.

    You sound like the best ex-husband ever!

    But honestly don’t ask her for anything emotional until a year AFTER the cancer thing is BEATEN.

    Healing to the Mom,

    Inky

    March 2, 2015 at 5:17 am #73415
    Will
    Participant

    Wow. Man, that is rough.

    It seems that you already know you’re setting yourself up to have your heart broken all over again. You’re acting like her husband now, because she needs you, but all you’re likely to get in the end is another divorce. Is that what you need?

    Then again, she’s dealing with some serious stuff, she really needs someone to support her, and maybe being that support is the right thing to do, even if it confuses your poor heart and leaves you ragged. But is there anyone else who could shoulder some of this burden?

    You’re putting your own well-being and peace of mind on the line for the sake of being there for her while she suffers from cancer. If you’re doing that knowing and willing, as it seems you are, then that is noble and good karma. But remember, you are not her husband. Remind your heart that she is not your wife anymore, and when she gets better, she will drift away again. It’s going to be hard whatever you do, but preparing for that is better than not being prepared.

    Everything good to you, to her, and to the kids.

    March 3, 2015 at 1:43 pm #73469
    T. Noel
    Participant

    How difficult. I’m so sorry for both of you, and for your children.

    I’d suggest just being the best you (rather than the best husband) that you can be. Titles like “husband” and “wife” can sometimes hold so much more importance than they are worth, and just get in the way. Some unmarried people are more married and committed than those who took vows. Doing what is right will always be beneficial to both of you, regardless of title, and dropping the need to be that to her will take unnecessary pressure off of both of you.

    Continue doing what you are, without needs for yourself, even if it is exhausting. She is the one with mortality on the line, on top of the sheer violating nature of cancer. I’m sure you are scared; you love her. Be strong. The best thing you can do is to care, love, and be selfless. Hang in there!

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