TheAwakening,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why your current dance might feel a little isolating. You come across as a little top heavy, or a lot of awareness of mind, but more trouble with feelings. Said differently, transactional interpretations make sense, in that the hunter inside us goes looking into the prairie for game, traps, favorable positions and so forth. Hunt, connect, digest, move on. But something seems missing, something is lacking that leaves a thirst. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Before we look at that, we have to approach your feeling of shame. Consider that you’re an ignorant bumpkis, a little baby fumbling and stumbling along. Just like the rest of us. We are born a nearly blank slate, save a few instincts and genetic code, but the rest we learn from our parents, teachers and peers. So, what you know, what you’ve done, who you’ve been… all part of your development, your learning. Much like a child calls the letter “A” by many names until they learn, we stumble around until we heal from our past and learn to grow something different. Your shame, your guilt doesn’t fit. It fits in the sense that it provides information, breaking attachments and whatnot, but they aren’t a needed component of learning. There is no reason to feel ashamed of your choices, dear friend, we all make a ton of errors.

As we become more aware of ourselves, we see more clearly how screwed up we are. One teacher said that beginning meditators often discover how truly unkempt their mind is, and say “I was never this crazy before!”… but its just the veil thins, and we can see more clearly what’s there. Emotionally, this is true too. These feelings of guilt and whatnot have been there, covered by the hunting, seeking, deciding, sorting. As you slow down that cycle, the painfulness in the bad choices kind of springs up, pokes its head out.

When the mind and heart are open and strong, these come in as painful, but leave as information. For instance, that one kid you beat up when you were in third grade… when you remember it now, it feels painful, as though you screwed up. If you, as a man, beat up a third grader, that would be a pretty big error. But you wouldn’t do that now, because you learned, grew away from that moment, evolved. The guilt ties into disbelief, as ” how could I have done that?!?” This is where the kid comes in. How could you know the letter “A” before you learned it? Mom or dad standing over you, being critical for you not knowing “A” yet, or adult TheAwakening standing over the child TheAwakening being critical for all the flubs and flubber in your previous moments. Garbage, unneeded. What you can do instead is grow a kind disposition for yourself… past, present and future.

Consider, you’re a good person or you wouldn’t be on this path. Your heart is what is pushing for all the growth, to figure out how to, and then grow, a loving garden inside. Said differently, the restlessness inside your body is pushing you to unravel this shit because it wants to be free, warm, connected, peaceful. Looking back into the past is a mixed blessing, because the body recoils from the painfulness “how could you do that to us?” and feels afflictive emotions. Its like a reminder… “Hot stove hurts”, “Not knowing “A” hurts”, “punching my friend hurts”. And so forth. If you’ve learned not to do that, there’s no need to dwell, no cause except habit.

To know the difference between cycling just because, and cycling for a lesson is a matter of creating a better space inside. Said differently, knowing what to examine and what to let go of requires inner stability. This grows when we set down the spears, the spyglass, the hunt… and sit, relax, open up, be peaceful. Perhaps get in a bathtub with candles, go for a walk in nature, listen to soft music… whatever it is that helps your body and mind relax, unwind, let go. Not “sit and contemplate who I am and what I’ve done”, rather “sit and let it all just be, just rest”.

My favorite is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for ” Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested. Metta is the feeling of kind friendship in the chest, and as we cultivate that feeling, the mind becomes peaceful, smooth, open. Like a well cleared field that has space for growth, a peaceful mind makes things a lot easier on us. Not only are we able to rest with a curious puzzle such as “hmmm, not many friends, what is that about?” and see it from many angles, walk around the pattern, the phenomena with ease, with stability and so forth… but we also become free to just give, because we rest with an internal bounty that erodes any personal need. So, we’re free to share and dance without worrying that the transaction will be imbalanced, because we can sit, alone, and refuel to our heart’s content. They dont have to give back, because we remain nourished by our own friendliness, our own loving and kind intentions. This keeps our body and mind in balance, less dependent on favorable external conditions, and helps us not get so swept up into the mind that we overlook the beauty all around us.

Then, clouds pass, the sun comes out, and we wonder why it took us so long to find our happiness. A metta practice, even once a day for a week, may provide very tangible differences in what you’re seeing. Instead of “what can we exchange here”, it becomes “what can i give here”, and the exchange part takes care of itself. Kindness and space out, kindness and space in.

Namaste, friend, may your dance flow toward a balance of mind and heart. The rest works itself out. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

I echo Jeff’s sentiment. The very first thing that came to mind was: “recommend The Four Agreements.” That book changed my life.

I too have been on a spiritual journey, virtually all of my life. The first 20 years were filled with high volumes of trauma, somewhere in the middle there was a break for happiness and then more trauma. The point in sharing that is to say that you are not alone. Recovery CAN and DOES happen. When you said: “I don’t have the coping mechanisms and the emotional balance yet” – to me, that statement points to exactly where to center the practice, shift your focus, bring your energy..

Making the choice to step on the path IS the hardest part. Practice requires that you be patient with yourself – Loving to your self. Think about what you need in the difficult moments.. a warm blanket? fresh air? silence? social encounters? Gift your self what you need when you need it – you are already on your way. Stay the course ahead – you will never regret it.

Thanks everyone.

Hi Louise

Pls dont propagate such a message. Everyone on this planet is equal in the eyes of the super power (God in your case). God doesnt discriminate. We humans do. Everyone can start on the spiritual path whenever they wish to. Did you wait for your parents to show you how to walk as an infant or did you start making attempts yourself while your parents watched over and guided you on the path ?

Jasmine

Hi Awakening

My experience tells me that we are 100 % responsible for everything that happens in our lives and we can use this wisdom for our greater good. Watch your thoughts as they are the one causing all the issues. Dissolve all the limiting belief systems and cultivate a new belief system that you are amazing, powerful, beautiful, awesome, successful and you have the midas touch. Life will unfold beautifully for you. Have faith. If you are interested in knowing how belief systems belittle us, you can read my other posts in other forum.

Sending you heaps of positive energy. You are worth it and I know that 🙂

Jasmine

Hi Louise.

My apologies for bringing out the caps in your post. Pls believe in whatever you wish to believe in as long as it makes you happy. Its all good :). I have a humble request – pls dont confuse spirituality with religion like many do.

Jasmine

Louise you seem very angry in many of your posts.

Charcar

Why do you need to pamper yourself when the going gets rough.
ehy not allow the suffering to go all the way to Gods comfort?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by louise. Reason: typo
• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by louise.

Matt, I find your responses absolutely amazing in all the posts Ive seen you in so far. Keep up the good work. We all appreciate an expert. (Im not sure who you are, but your grasp of these concepts is amazing).