Dear Carson:

Would you like to share in what ways you expect your new life be limited (when you are released from the center you are in)?

anita

Dear Carson,

I’ve read your two other threads as well. You’ve been through a lot, and I believe you had a very confusing and tormenting childhood. Your father behaved in very inappropriate and sexually (and psychologically) harmful ways with you, while your mother didn’t do anything to protect you. As anita said, your mother now seems disappointed that you are having mental problems and aren’t able to get better quickly. She is basically blaming you for having been traumatized and suffering consequences, although every child would have been traumatized in your place.

Your father also blamed you when you refused to bathe with him when you got a little older. Again, blaming you for something that is absolutely not your fault, but in fact a natural instinct of self-defense.

As a result of all this blame and making you a bad person and somehow faulty, you feel guilt and shame about yourself, when in fact, you are the victim in all this, and your counselor is right:

My counselor tells me to see myself as a victim more as opposed to bullying myself. But I am having trouble going through this.

No wonder you have a hard time seeing yourself as a victim – because your parents have been telling you all along that it’s your fault, not theirs.

You also feel a tremendous amount of anger – justified anger – because a part of you knows that what they did was wrong. A part of you wants to protect yourself and fight back. When this anger is suppressed, it turns into something darker – a wish to harm your parents, and also to harm anyone you feel threatened by, such as the boy you felt attracted to. I think it would be very important to be able to express your anger in a safe, therapeutic setting, because it’s a justified anger. If you express it in a safe, controlled environment, it won’t torment you any more, threatening to become dangerous to yourself or others. It will also allow you to protect yourself and set boundaries. To know that it was you who was harmed by your parents, not vice versa.

I think it’s really important for you to stop blaming yourself for being unwell, for having issues, for not being able to just snap out of it and get on with your life. Those things take time. But first, you’d need to acknowledge that it’s you who have been harmed, not your parents. It’s not your fault, but theirs. The wound will need time healing. Give yourself time. Try to have compassion for yourself, because that’s what you need the most right now.

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Tee.