December 13, 2021 at 5:59 pm #389822CarsonParticipant
After going through some trauma this year I am at a point where many things pain me. The memories of connection in the past hurt, I think because I had the capacity to create them. I think there is some more left hopefully in the tank to where I can make them. But I am feeling so mad and regret things that happened. My counselor tells me to see myself as a victim more as opposed to bullying myself. But I am having trouble going through this. Now everytime I think of the possibility of someone being mad I feel like running away. It just sucks.
I wish of been true to myself. I had the world at my hands. Now I am sitting here trying to come to terms with my new life, which will be limited compared to where I was this summer.December 13, 2021 at 6:03 pm #389823anitaParticipant
Would you like to share in what ways you expect your new life be limited (when you are released from the center you are in)?
anitaDecember 14, 2021 at 7:04 am #389881anitaParticipant
testingDecember 15, 2021 at 2:04 am #389903TeaKParticipant
I’ve read your two other threads as well. You’ve been through a lot, and I believe you had a very confusing and tormenting childhood. Your father behaved in very inappropriate and sexually (and psychologically) harmful ways with you, while your mother didn’t do anything to protect you. As anita said, your mother now seems disappointed that you are having mental problems and aren’t able to get better quickly. She is basically blaming you for having been traumatized and suffering consequences, although every child would have been traumatized in your place.
Your father also blamed you when you refused to bathe with him when you got a little older. Again, blaming you for something that is absolutely not your fault, but in fact a natural instinct of self-defense.
As a result of all this blame and making you a bad person and somehow faulty, you feel guilt and shame about yourself, when in fact, you are the victim in all this, and your counselor is right:
My counselor tells me to see myself as a victim more as opposed to bullying myself. But I am having trouble going through this.
No wonder you have a hard time seeing yourself as a victim – because your parents have been telling you all along that it’s your fault, not theirs.
You also feel a tremendous amount of anger – justified anger – because a part of you knows that what they did was wrong. A part of you wants to protect yourself and fight back. When this anger is suppressed, it turns into something darker – a wish to harm your parents, and also to harm anyone you feel threatened by, such as the boy you felt attracted to. I think it would be very important to be able to express your anger in a safe, therapeutic setting, because it’s a justified anger. If you express it in a safe, controlled environment, it won’t torment you any more, threatening to become dangerous to yourself or others. It will also allow you to protect yourself and set boundaries. To know that it was you who was harmed by your parents, not vice versa.
I think it’s really important for you to stop blaming yourself for being unwell, for having issues, for not being able to just snap out of it and get on with your life. Those things take time. But first, you’d need to acknowledge that it’s you who have been harmed, not your parents. It’s not your fault, but theirs. The wound will need time healing. Give yourself time. Try to have compassion for yourself, because that’s what you need the most right now.
December 15, 2021 at 8:58 am #389910PeterParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by TeaK.
“Harry, This pain is part of being human —”
“THEN — I — DON’T — WANT — TO — BE — HUMAN!” Harry roared, and he seized one of the delicate silver instruments from the spindle-legged table beside him and flung it across the room. It shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, “Really!”
“I DON’T CARE!” Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE —”
He seized the table on which the silver instrument had stood and threw that too. It broke apart on the floor and the legs rolled in different directions.
“You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it. JK Rowling”
Such is the paradox of Pain… Only a open heart can be broken, and broken, opened…
“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
― Jim Morrison