Parental Alienation Syndrome

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 7 months ago by Tee.

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April 13, 2023 at 10:55 am #417279

LoveMySons
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Hi, new here. Wondering if anyone has any information on how to navigate this.

I have discovered that I have been experiencing this, and my children have also, since they were very young, and now, at 30 my youngest son has cut off all communication. Their father seems to have made it an infraction to be in relationship with me. My sons and I had a wonderful relationship, always having fun, until they reached about 11 and 12, and then it grew. I attributed it to them being boys and aligning with their dad, but it was deeper and more insidious. Their Chinese family had cultural background that said that the children belonged to the “family” aunties as well, and I became the outsider … I hurt for my children, and for me. I am a wonderful mother. People who knew us as the kids were growing said, “anything wonderful about those kids is because of your being their mother.”

I understand it is a “syndrome” that has been identified and became known more as a factor…that NPD and “ME TOO” movements were able to shed light on other abuses toward people. the gaslighting has been horrible, but I can cope, but I don’t know how to handle this with my sons who are now 30 and 31.

April 13, 2023 at 11:08 pm #417283

Tee
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Dear LoveMySons,

I am sorry that your youngest son has cut off all communication with you.

I had to look up what parental alienation syndrome is, and it says: “Parental alienation is a strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent. The purpose of this strategy is to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent and to turn the child’s emotions against that other parent.”

Does it mean that your husband has been telling your children stuff against you and made them turn against you, ever since they were 11 and 12 years old? May I ask if you are divorced from your husband?

Their Chinese family had cultural background that said that the children belonged to the “family” aunties as well, and I became the outsider …

Does it mean that the children lived separately from you? I am trying to understand the circumstances…

I am sorry if you were a victim of narcissistic abuse, which also involved alienating you from your children. Please share some more if you’d like to.

April 14, 2023 at 3:33 pm #417402

Ngahuiroimata
Participant

Estrangement is a huge loss for any parent. We often cannot understand why our children turn away from us and this can make it harder for us to accept. They have their reasons and while we dont know what they are or we may not accept the reality of what they believe or we think they are making things into a bigger issue than what we feel it is – we have to accept they see things the way they do. They feel justified and believe to keep themselves happier they have to cease contact. Our only task is to accept without judgment.

Despite the other parent, culture, or events that were the main reason for this alienation or estrangement if we try to see it through their eyes we are wasting valuable energy which we cannot ever get back nor can we see things from their personal individual window of life.

Put your energy into learning acceptance, learning to care for yourself through the process of change that your life is experiencing, and finding a place of solace and peacefulness in this space of pain and grief. You have time to build your own Pheonix of survival without negative feelings, blaming, judgment, or expectations of others. Forgive them for any harm done and forgive yourself for not understanding why – then shift to acceptance and to rebuilding a life without them physically present. You are still their parent, you are still free to love unconditionally and can care for them from a distance –

May 3, 2023 at 7:19 am #418146

Dylan
Participant

Parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a term introduced by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner in 1985 to describe signs and symptoms he believed to be exhibited by children who have been alienated from one parent through manipulation by the other parent.

May 24, 2023 at 9:28 am #419119

Carol
Participant

1 year ago my daughter decided to cut me from her life completely. She had gone on multiple vacations across country with me and my wife. She had visited our house multiple times. Over a year ago she and her wife separated and later divorced. My daughter was along for about a year but then out of the blue met someone and within 3 weeks they were married. My daughter has said she has had issues with me, her mother, since she was about 13 but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it was nor will she tell me anything. This past year she told me not to contact her, don’t message, don’t call, don’t write or if I attempt she will call the authorities. She has blocked me from all social media sites. She also insisted if I ever wanted to see or talk to her again I would do whatever she insisted. Well, that was it for me – I told her I also was an adult and nobody tells me what I can or can’t do. I missed her birthday last year for the first time ever and this alienation hurts something awful. I find myself crying at odd times. I just don’t know how to get over this.

May 25, 2023 at 1:03 am #419182

Tee
Participant

Dear Carol,

I am so sorry you’re hurting so much. Your daughter seems a bit too extreme in her attempts to keep you out of her life:

This past year she told me not to contact her, don’t message, don’t call, don’t write or if I attempt she will call the authorities.

I mean, threatening to call the authorities is really extreme! But it seems she’s not in a very stable phase in her life, since she married someone whom she’s only known for 3 weeks:

My daughter was along for about a year but then out of the blue met someone and within 3 weeks they were married.

I don’t know what she is going through, but it seems like a turbulent time.

My daughter has said she has had issues with me, her mother, since she was about 13 but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it was nor will she tell me anything.

So she never told you what her issues are, only accused you? What happened in her (and your) life when she was 13? Was there some big change or trauma?

She also insisted if I ever wanted to see or talk to her again I would do whatever she insisted.

What did she tell you you should do if you wanted to meet her? Did she give some of her “conditions”?

I missed her birthday last year for the first time ever and this alienation hurts something awful. I find myself crying at odd times. I just don’t know how to get over this.

I can imagine this is really hard on you. Specially since it’s all a bit vague and you don’t know what she actually holds against you, right?

You can’t force her to stay in touch with you, you can only hope that she’ll have a change of heart and find her way back to you.

Until then, perhaps you can examine your own actions, and whether there was something you did or failed to do in regards to your daughter. 13 is the beginning of puberty, so perhaps she started feeling sensitive and you didn’t catch some of the changes in her?

Anyway, take good care of yourself. Examine your actions, but don’t blame yourself. And keep a vision for her to heal, so perhaps your relationship can heal too.
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