Dear Zenith:

“my thoughts haven’t stopped. Do you think this is OCD?“- yes.

“OCD always told me that I am never good enough“- OCD is not a friend. Living with OCD is.. living with an enemy.

“Now its saying that my friend has hurt me and she is not good enough“- OCD is separating you from yourself (telling you that you are not good enough), and it is separating you from others (telling you that others are not good enough).

This is what OCD did to me, both of what I mentioned right above. I can’t believe I no longer have this enemy living with me (in that space in-between my ears). So, now, in my estimation: I am good-enough and you, Zenith, are also good-enough!

“Like all the obsessive thoughts won’t stop… Now my brain is worried that B will get close to C and her group just like A did. They all will get close and I will be left with no friends… Now it feels life without friends is empty… I am scared pf being alone.“- as a human being, you need friends. When you have a friend, or friends, you get scared of losing them and ending up alone. Your brain focuses on the fear of losing a friend and OCD runs with that fear.

“Before my daughter was born I used to enjoy my time alone at home and with my husband. I used to have zero friends and that never bothered me“- not never-bothered. For a while, it didn’t bother you.

“I don’t want friends anymore“- it feels like too much trouble to have friends, too much anxiety, so I understand that the quick solution that comes to mind is to not have friends anymore!

“It feels my brain is seeking validation from other others. My self worth is defined by others“- it’s natural for a human being (a social animal, one who lives with and is interdependent on others) to seek others’ validation, and for one’s self worth to be affected by others’ behaviors toward us. Thing is to not seek validation excessively and to not overreact to others’ behaviors.

“Based on my experience, some Indian friends are emotionally draining“- more draining because of  excess in seeking their validation and overreacting to their words and behaviors..?

“If I have to make new friends, I have to invite their families home and cook food for them. I feel like making friends is physically and emotionally draining and I don’t have time for the it“- I understand. Possible solutions: make a friend or two who are not Indian? Also: if you could meet a friend for coffee in a coffee place, or for a walk outside, you could have time with a friend without having to cook for them.

“On top of that. I expect a lot from people, I guess. I expect them to make me their top priority friend.“- it’s almost like you are trying to undo what OCD is telling you (that you are a low priority to your friends) by taking it to the other extreme: expecting to be top priority!

OCD is an enemy in the ways it affects you, although its intention is good: it is trying to protect you, to help you solve problems.. but it’s misguided, it’s not logical, not sensible, it’s impulsive, it jumps to conclusions. So, it ends up harming you again and again.

Right above, is what OCD did to me.

“Earlier, I was ok with people not making me their top priority,(that)  and I accepted the fact people change over time. This time it’s getting hard to accept. I am just filled with anger.“- for a while you were okay with people not making you their top priority.

I guess that whenever you feel that you are others’ low priority, you get (naturally) angry, and sort-of demand (at least in your own mind) that they make you their top priority, trying to over-compensate your hurt feelings.

In a way it’s like it’s a hot summer and you’ve been wanting cold ice-cream for a very long time, but not getting to have it. You imagine, in your mind, that when you finally get to have ice-cream, you will have a huge amount.. to compensate for no amount for too long. Do you relate to tis example?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“You put it up so well“- thank you!

“Yes I feel like OCD is my enemy. It’s hard to live with all those voices in my head“- yes, it is hard.

“This is so true. Its not allowing me to be myself“- it’s an enemy indeed.

“Yeah its exhausting because of my OCD and other factors like inviting them home cooking, cleaning“- OCD is definitely exhausting and it adds exhaustion to everything you do. Almost everything would be easier without OCD.

“I was  thinking to make friends with the parents of my daughter’s friends and see how that goes. I want to focus on myself more. Like learning new hobbies or spend more time with myself/family“- reads like a good plan to me, particularly to focus on yourself more.. to be yourself

“There were so many friends who were so close with me in the beginning and they would leave me when they found new friends. I never felt angry or obsessed about it. I would just let it go. I am unable to let go of this friend. I don’t know why I am obsessed about her. Its so annoying“- do you think that early on, in India, when friends left you, you weren’t angry because you were emotionally numb (anger pushed down and away from awareness)? I wonder if currently, you are not as emotionally numb as you used to be in your younger years, and therefore more emotionally reactive.

I’ll reply further to your recent post (as well as to anything you may add) Wed morning.  Good night, Zenith. I hope you sleep restfully.

anita

Adding: I had to figure out what it is that I believe in vs what my OCD has been telling me for so long (too long). For example, my OCD was telling me that all (mostly all, if not all) people are BAD. I believed it. Fast forward, I now believe that there are indeed many bad people (via their words and actions), but there are many good (although imperfect) people.

In the past, I went straight to negatively judging people. Now, whenever possible and appropriate, I shift from judgment to empathy.

To be myself is a product of what I choose to believe (following thinking and figuring it out). I figured that human reality is not a good reality, but it is not as bad as my OCD has been telling me. In the process of seeing (many) others as better people than I previously believed, I see myself as a better person than I previously believed.

I hope this helps.

anita

I wish you no longer suffer, Zenith!

anita