Physical attraction to someone with anorexia nervosa

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This topic has 18 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by Veraque.

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March 28, 2017 at 3:23 pm #142645

smutsik
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Thank you for your insightful comment Sarah.

Someone on another forum told me to do the same half a year ago, and that was actually part of what made me stay with her then too. But I seem to have a hard time implementing it in my life, since I have had such a release of anxiety after admitting to myself that I had been hiding my lack of (shallow) physical attraction from her for so long. I have been able to have great sex with her and really, really enjoying her and us physically because I can focus on her personality. But doesn’t this surge of anxiety coming forth after telling her that I’ve been feeling guilt from feeling lack of attraction for her aswell as hiding it from her (plus the fact that I’ve realized that I’ve spent a whole lot of time, emotion and energyhiding my lack of physical attraction from her) mean something?

I don’t know how to do the thing that you are describing fully, and even though I’ve been able to enjoy our time together since I asked this question the last time, this sense of not being fully attracted has always been lurking in the background. How did you go about it and do you have any advice on how to do so overall?

March 28, 2017 at 7:54 pm #142665

Anonymous
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Dear smutsik:

More of my input: some people believe that because they think something, they have to share it, especially with an intimate other. As if once you are in a relationship, your thoughts are now Community Property. As if an intimate partner has the ethical responsibility and duty to share, or … confess all of one’s thoughts. I don’t believe so. I strongly believe that your thoughts are your private business.

You can keep your thoughts of lack of attraction to her body to yourself. You are not betraying her by not sharing these with her.

The thoughts I personally choose to share with another are truth, I don’t lie. I don’t mislead (with half truths and cognitive manipulations), but I don’t share every thought I have. In a loving relationship it is very important to not share every thought (and every feeling that goes with the thought). Discernment is loving.

In other words, I think that it is perfectly fine for you to continue this relationship and never tell her about your lack of attraction thoughts and feelings (I read that you do have sex with her frequently, you called it “great”, hence…)

On the other hand, it is your right to end the relationship if you want to have a different looking partner. It is fine for you to value physical attraction enough to do so. This is your life, your choice.

Is this helpful?

anita

November 8, 2020 at 8:35 pm #368790

Veraque
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Smutsik, I have struggled with these feelings regarding my spouse and the associated guilt for feeling them for such a long time!!! It was so refreshing to read your feelings and identify with them.

I’m seeing a therapist now to help me work through a lot of these feelings as the dissonance has been difficult for me to square up. I’m not a trained therapist but I do a lot of work in mental health and also have much personal experience and my relationship with my spouse, but I’m wondering if the feelings that you felt were not so much a lack of attraction but a sense that there is something unhealthy about the person you were dating, and her weight was a symptom of the deeper issue. I actually would love to hear your thoughts more if you would like to talk on the phone as this is a fairly complicated and delicate matter
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