Please help. Im in misery

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by Olivia Hopkins.

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December 14, 2013 at 7:25 am #46736

Olivia Hopkins
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I really dont know how to start. I think if i wanted to make sure i would be understood id have to start from the very beginning and that would take years. I dont have money for a psychologist, to be honest i just started university, and my parents are divorcing, my father took all the money, my mom is homeless, basically. But its not what im about to write. Im in the beginning of my twenties and im desperately in love. Im an oversensitive person, all through my life i would always open my heart to everyone, always forgive, look over things i should never have. But this is me. Once i got so hurt, i was in pain, went through hell because of a break up which almost ended in physical abuse. I got away, my mom took care of me. After that i searched help on the internet, by joining a role player club. I felt i belonged somewhere. Suddenly i had friends, people looked up at me. Ive been insecure all through my life, i used to be fat, above 80 with my 160cm, i was beaten up and hurt at school. And here, in thsi virtual world people looked up at me. Its what i thought. I was so hurt by my previous experiences that i put a mask on. I met someone, i fell i love, there. I never been in love with women, i have never been attracted to them. I didnt know i was, to her. I didnt think of her as a woman. She was someone who amazed me. With her soul, her character, her charisma. And i lied to her. I hurt her so much without realizing. I was scared what i like women, what if im attracted to her. I was only 16. My dad is racist and homophobic so i knew, as he previously for fun mentioned he would kick me out if i was gay, i know if it was true id be in trouble. At the end, we met, and i realized i WAS in love. I couldnt ever repair the damage i caused her but i swore in my life the day we met that id try and give her all the good she deserves. We had great days, two amazing years, engagement. But time to time she brought up what ive done to her, she confessed she wanted me to suffer because i made her suffer. Every time i cried and showed my heart that i wasnt that person anymore. My sensitiveness irritates her. She hates it. We dont have much in common, but our love seemed to overcome everything. I forgave when she wanted to hurt me, i apologized whenever i made a mistake. I flew to her whenever she wanted me to – we have a distance relationship, almost 10.000kms-. In brief, if she called, i always went running. These days we were happy as ever and suddenly she exploded. She told me she didnt love me as deep as she used to and when i bursted in tears and felt down, it upset her so much that at the end she said if we spent two years apart without seeing each other, she wouldnt care. She loves me even less, because shes had enough with me being sensitive, and that she would never come to Europe for me. She planned it, but not anymore. I love her so deep. It is killing me, because i know she could never understand the depth of my love. I cant either. I hate being sensitive because i know she hates it in me. And im insecure too because she was the first love in my life who never used me, but was honest with me. Sometimes i think she fell in love with the character i played who was funny, cool, strong, never cried and led. Im not a leader. Im shy, ridiculously naive, sensitive, and take everything to my heart. Im insecure and i need someone to rely on when i feel weak. I changed tho, for her, to show her i would never lie to her again, that person wasnt me, i was growing up. We barely have much in common, we are both lost souls, we have gone through a lot, together. And im helplessly loving her, but im just tired of crying nights and days. I dont know what to do. What would you do if the love of your life told you she or he gave up on planning his or her life intertwined with yours? That shes fed up with a part of you and that you, after all the time youve been through, and after all the good you have experienced together? Im so lost. Please help me. With any thoughts.

December 14, 2013 at 12:29 pm #46748

Joseph
Participant

Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. Relationships and breaking up can be hard.

A couple of hopefully helpful thoughts. It may not be the fake you that she was most comfortable with but one specific aspect of the facade, it kept distance and space between you two. Some people avoid intamacy and are scared by it.This could be the situation you are in. Give her space, choose a new direction in life and you may just see her again.

As for you, you mentioned being intertwined. This is not necessarily a great thing. There is a really good book called The Four Agreements which I highly recommend. It will help you not judge yourself so much based on others reflections of you and also free you from needing these attachments.

December 14, 2013 at 12:36 pm #46750

Olivia Hopkins
Participant

Thank you for caring enough to write me, and be the first for showing it. I never heard that i shouldnt judge myself hard, all ive been feeling was that i am a horrible person for making this mistake, and that i deserve every pain i will go through. I accepted that, even. Because i love her and i know i deserve to pay and feel bad. And honestly, nobody can make me feel worse than i do, for hurting someone i love deeply. It was never intentional. And its something i know she will never understand. I hope, maybe once. Its hard letting go of people who mean the world to you, especially when you are in the time of losing many people. So when someone enters your life who seems to appreciate you, you hold onto them hard. Im lacking love, my family cant support me, my mom is having a hard time, so im the one being there for her, my dad is busy loving himself, and traveling. I only have a few friends because many left after they assumed i might love someone from the same sex. That was something painful too, im still not over it. It gives me tough time to get over these things because if i let someone in, i give them all my heart because thats what i was taught and raised into.

December 14, 2013 at 9:09 pm #46766
Al
Participant
Olivia,

You’ve mentioned it yourself. You are both ‘lost souls’. It is highly the case that because you are both still searching for answers it has caused complications in your actions and communications with one another. So please do not feel as if it were all your fault. In relationships, both sides are always at fault when a problem arises. For example, you said she blamed you for pushing her away and yet you made no mention that she recognized your behavior and addressed it with you to try to resolve it. That, then, becomes her fault for not doing so. So find some ease with this. Also, it is probably best that you separated. Now you can concentrate on your own self-improvement so that in the next relationship you can fare better. Do you not believe that it would be better to give your all to someone once you have a better understanding of yourself? 🙂

It is never easy to let go of someone you cared deeply for. However, do not feel upset either at her or at yourself for what transpired. Instead, use the care you have for her to wish her the best only and always. Wish for her to become a great human being, to overcome all the challenges that will come her way and to be happy. However, make sure you do so yourself not only to honor your love for her but also because you want it for yourself. Take the experience you shared and learn from it. You said that you were changing/improving while in the relationship, well, continue to do so. Self-improvement is a never ending task. You will continue to experience difficult situations. The trick is to learn from them so that when such situation arise again they will be more easily dealt with. Become yourself a great human being so that one day you may experience love again and do it right this time.

Keep looking ahead, it’s not over! 🙂
Al
- This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Al.
December 14, 2013 at 9:23 pm #46768

Kinny
Participant

Olivia,

I can relate to a lot of the experiences you described. From my experience, I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t love all of me, ugly parts and all, then they *cannot possibly* be the love of my life. After I bought into that idea, it was easier for me to let go of the person I considered to be my soul mate. You deserve love even if you have a sensitive nature. There are people out there who would love to be with someone as in touch as you are! You deserve love, even if you lied. That was your weakness, but that doesn’t make you unloveable. Unfortunately you learned a lesson at her expense, but that is the way of things. When you find someone who is right for you, you will bring out the best in each other most of the time. You will not have to hide. Don’t give up on yourself.

That being said, I personally don’t believe that any girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or soulmate is placed on earth to fix you or rescue you. It’s a journey to fight off demons and insecurities, but unfortunately you have to do it yourself. No one else can do it for you. Welcome to the path of learning to love yourself: sensitive nature, hard lessons and all. You truly are loveable even if you aren’t perfect.

Concerning opening your heart to everyone and always forgiving, don’t be an emotional slut! I say that in jest, but honestly…treat your heart with the same kind of consideration as you would your body. Don’t give it out to strangers and acquaintances. People are not necessarily bad or evil, but many people don’t have the strength to do the right thing, or the wisdom to know how to handle situations, and other times you might find strong and wise people in complicated situations. From my observations, many of us are weak and it takes a lot of living to know how and why to be careful with other’s hearts. You are precious. Be choosy and do your best to size up people by their character. Do they keep their word? Do they repeat things others have told them in confidence? Are they a kind person? Are they consdierate? Do you get a gut feeling? Not everyone deserves your trust. You can forgive people in that we all have weaknesses and limited capabilies, but perhaps letting them back into your life in the same capacity isn’t wise. Just some things to consider. I don’t know the circumstances you were referring to.

Also, the idea that you made a mistake and you deserve to pay seems very harsh to me. You are a spiritual being having a human experience. There are going to be times when you are scared, unsure or weak and will do things that you wil only learn how to handle after you’ve been through it. You don’t “deserve to pay”. I tell people I date not to be sorry, but be different. Regret and beating yourself up doesn’t make you a better person, but being a different person than you were yesterday takes real discipline and strength!

Lastly, I highly recommmend Al Anon for anyone who has trauma in their past. It’s free so it might be a good thing for you. I’m not sure if your childhood was great or not, but sometimes people with an overly critical, unstable or abusive upbringing crave love to an unhealthy extent. Also, Melody Beattie and Pia Melody have books about codependence which might resonate with you. Also, Metta Meditation is great. I’ve recently started doing Sharon Salzberg’s guided meditations on Youtube and found that to be very healing.

I’ve learned to love myself as/is and deeply, and whoever else wants to pour on some more is just icing on the cake, but I don’t need them to be okay. I truly understand the idea of someone who means the world to you, but what did she provide for you? Is there any way you can recreate that for yourself?

My heart goes out to you. Bon courage!

December 15, 2013 at 12:52 am #46774

Olivia Hopkins
Participant

Thank you so, so much for the honest words. Truly. It is hard to make decisions, these kinds, when you are alone. I needed to have someone, or anyone who could possibly share their ideas, thoughts and experience about something similar. Someone who sees things from the outside and not already involved at a certain level like a friend, or a parent. Your words gave me strength, this was the first time i heard becoming a different person of yesterday requires more inner power than regretting forever and letting myself to be beaten up by it. Ive changed, my friends noticed, my parents noticed. Ice become more patient, more understanding to the world, and to her. Because i knew if i want to be with her i had to learn how to handle that for instance she doesnt see out of the box. She sees things from only her point of view, thus, to avoid arguments i had to be the one always who would not let to be carried away because i always lose the arguments. It takes a lot to someone to see things from others point of view and i believe it is never completely possible to achieve that. I read How to kill a Mockingbird and Atticus’ words were also encouraging to try and always become open to others feelings and consider them first before i open my mouth. Ive changed because beside her i acknowledged my flaws, flaws i could change or decrease. For her, because of her hurt of the past she cant let go, she doesnt see what progress ive made but honestly im an eternal optimist, i always had faith that with time, by growing beside each other she would once recognize. Also, thank you for the “emotional slut” term. You are right, sometimes its better not to give all, but give enough to see if the person is really someone who deserves to know me better. I know this lesson will take lot of time and strength to me, but i need to learn that. I know that whatever happens between her and me, even with all the bad that happened i cannot possibly hate her or be mad at her. The thing is she gave me family, a place to belong, i was loved, made friends. I might lose them because they are her friends, but for me, these three years we spent together were a terribly important part of my life. Im not strong enough to break up with her, not now. Maybe never. But after what you said, everyone who cared, i know that i cant keep someone in my life who doesnt want to stay. And i wont. I will cherish until she stays, and when she doesnt want to share the love with me, i wont break down. Ive been doing my very hardest to be enough for her, and i guess sometimes the very best isnt enough. Right? But it doesnt mean im not enough as a person. I will stop accepting the pain i receive just because im different, because im more sensitive than her. I wont agree that i deserve the bad i get because of that. Its hard for me to stand up for myself. I could always stand up for others, defend them, even get into a fight just to prove my loyalty and affection to a friend. But i could never do that for myself. My self esteem is below the ocean. It has always been, so its easy to me to accept im a bad person and i deserve to suffer rather than wanting to stand up for my right and feelings. Thank you for strengthening me. Im really lucky for founding this page.
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