Missed the point about marriage. He is willing to marry me, just that not right now. We both need to be in better situation (financially),

Thank you for the reply.

I had a very secured childhood. My parents and elder sister (5 years) took very good care of me. We had some rough times in my family as in finances, but it was okay. I have never lived away from them. When i moved to Canada, 4 years back. as the first time i left my home. But i didnt feel homesick all these years when i was here (2014-2017 july). this is since my parents left.

I am very confused, am i having anxiety because i dont want to be with him or my anxiety is telling me that something is wrong and i need to leave him. I dont have any reason to leave, The only reason i can think of is that he is not from my culture, We dont speak the same language? But our values are the same. Regarding Finances, Children, Family , Holidays, etc.

I am very scared!

In the end, i just want to say that i dont want to loose him. I dont know the reason. I dont want to throw away what i have made with him so far in our lives. Am i just forcing my feelings to him? Or anxiety and depression can actually make you feel disconnected towards your partner.

Secured childhood as in I didnt had to take nay major decisions on my own, My parents were there if i was confused.

I was always under there blanket, that i didnt had to see the real world. Not face any responsibilities. Got everything that i wanted. Never had to work to get something, It was just given or i found a way to get it.

Thank you for the reply.

Real world as in , i had a very simple childhood. Come home and food ready by mom. Have fun. Now i have to work for everything. Blanket as in they were always there, So i never felt alone in any situation.

Nope. We still talk. But im just having doubts about my relationship a lot.

Hi Kriti,

I see you are in good hands, but hope you don’t mind if I add my 2 cents worth. You didn’t have a secure childhood, you had a very sheltered childhood. I did too. I came from a very abusive and traumatic childhood environment. I was taken away from my Alcoholic Mother by the courts. As were my siblings. Unfortunately, the damage had been done, as I was six years old when this happened, and suffered a great deal of abandonment, witnessing violence, rejection, no nurturing, isolation, unwanted.

My Aunt and Uncle (my real fathers, sister and brother in law) came to love me, and became my legal guardians. My real father travelled alot for business. He was a Harvard Advanced business school graduated and CEO of a fortune 500 paper company. He was very well-off, as were my Aunt and Uncle. I grew up having a “fairy tale” childhood. We were transferred around alot due to my Uncle who also was a very successful business man. We sailed in regattas, lived in beautiful homes, my Aunt was in and won several LPGA’s golf tournaments, so we belonged to exclusive country clubs. Because of my troubled childhood, they protected me from everything. Made all my decisions for me, even went over my school work, let me sail in regattas with them. I grew up in stunning countries like Puerto Rico, Jamaica, etc. By the time I was nine, had already lived in 7 different countries and four different states. I got everything I wanted. Only went to the best of private schools, had butlers, groundsmen and maids. All My chores I had to do was set a lavish table every night, and make my bed, keep my room clean. I lived in a home with 8 bedrooms. I had it all. Unfortunately, this made me too sheltered and “taken care of” and it did more harm than good. Every time I dated, I “expected” the man to treat me how I was treated in my childhood. Safe, secure, taken care of, no decisions to make, protected, no anxiety, nothing. Just like my fairy tale childhood. However, there is none of this as an Adult. I had to learn to be an Adult and take care of myself. It was tremendous anxiety, and my relationships were short lived. No one could live up to my expectations.

I had to go through many years of Psychotherapy to even begin to even think about dating, or I could never have dated. A “secure” childhood is not what we had. A secure childhood means we are allowed to think and feel for ourselves. Not having everything done for us, by overprotective parents. Just some thoughts.

Second Post, Dear Kriti:

My understanding: you are living with a good, loving man. The relationship was healthy and loving until your parents’ four month visit. The troubles in the relationship then and since stem from your anxiety, and not from problems inherent in the relationship. I hope you heal from your anxiety and stay in this relationship, or if needed, separate, heal and resume it.

Regarding your anxiety: it is Attachment Anxiety. The attachment you had to your parents was the ground underneath you, your sense of safety and stability. You were able to live a happy-enough life as long as you had that solid ground underneath you. For a few years in Canada, away from your parents, you still had that same ground underneath you, the same safety, familiarity, sameness.

Sometime during the visit and following your parents’ departure, that ground underneath you was gone, not there anymore. Without a solid ground underneath you, without your lifetime sense of safety, nothing is the same, nothing feels the same. Your whole life experience is different.

The attachment you have to your boyfriend has not replaced the attachment you had your whole life to your parents. And so, you have been falling and falling ever since they left.

You wrote: “I feel that I have just lost my life. I feel no life any more”- the ground on which you stood and lived your whole life is gone. Everything changed.

Let me know if you agree with me so far and we can communicate further. There is hope.

anita