fbpx
Menu

please please help me move on…

HomeForumsRelationshipsplease please help me move on…

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #78201
    Glet
    Participant

    Hello everyone I could really use your advice…and I want to thank anyone who will take their time to read and hopefully reply to this post…
    I want to start from the beginning..i was born out of wedlock and grew up with my grandparents,and unfortunately I got raped by a much much older uncle at the age of 7…then later I moved with my mother and only stayed with her for a year because she got sick..(Aids)..i had to move to another country to live with my father and his wife with other half siblings because my mother could not take care of me..that is when the tough times began…my step mother was verbally and emotionally abusive..she made sure to destroy my self esteem.she would tell me how my father had abandoned me and he doesn’t love me.she would make ugly comments about my looks and she was verbally abusive in all areas..at this time I became extremely suicidal…i was depressed and I thought of suicide daily…but I never got the courage to kill myself so I stayed alive..my father was very busy at the time so he didn’t notice much and seemed not to care…as I reached my teenage years I started looking for love from boys and this never ended well…so my self esteem got shuttered even more…i hated myself.i felt alone and unloved.i hated living.i hated waking up in the morning and each night I would pray that God could kill me in my sleep…luckily as time passed by I met my best friend.she was a pillar for me.and about two years ago,my father and I talked about everything.he apologized for not being there..he changed completely and now he is the best father in the world….My step mum isn’t so bad either and I can tell that she wants us to be a better family…..i have been reading self love books and I want to be a better me…i don’t want to be stuck in the past,I want to live life and let go of the past and all the dark times..but it is so hard for me…sometimes I look at my step mum and remember all the hurtful words she said to me and I feel like its hard to move on..i want to forgive but it is so hard…my self esteem is much better now. I no longer look to people to solve my problems and make me feel loved,I am loving myself more and more each day but deep down am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and am unable to accept good times fully without fear…i am so afraid that I have been unable to fully let any guy in my life…i keep them at a distance because I feel like they might hurt me..the other day I was in the car with my dad and he tried to kiss me on the cheek buy I freaked out from nowhere..i remembered the man who abused me and because of this i was scared when my own dad approached me…please help me..i will appreciate your words..i want to move on and not be afraid of people anymore…i want to live in the moment without worrying about things going wrong…

    Thank you for taking your time to read this

    #78204
    Matt
    Participant

    Glet,

    Buddha gave a secret of nature to us, saying “being is sustained by fuel”. To understand this secret, we only need to stand bravely and look at our automatic reactions. Consider how you come from a disturbing and unfortunate past. Many reasons were there for you to cry, many people and situations that smacked into your heart, leaving much pain in their wake.

    So now, when your dad goes to kiss you, it echoes from those past moments. Those echoes are from the fuel, the old goop and gunk and bruises. But the reaction is only a reflex, and that reflex fades with time and continued self loving steps. Said differently, being abused in the past forced a fuel of anxiety into you, and you will only have startle reactions until the fuel is exhausted. There is no need to fear that you will always flinch when dad tries to give love. No need to fear that something is forever broken or missing or wrong with you. Just a normal woman, learning to love herself more and more each day. And with each passing day, the fuel is consumed and erodes the reflexes.

    And consider, my dear friend, that those reflexes are actually quite marvelous. You didn’t just bow down, roll over, and give up. Inside you, the force of love that was always protecting you became that fuel, held deep inside. Like, when dad went to kiss you, you responded with protection, removal, like slapping his lips away from you. Sure, in that moment it wasn’t necessary, but it sure shows a strength of a passionate woman, ready to defend her boarders. Wonderful!

    Finally, be extra patient with yourself as you let go of the past. Instead of being afraid that another shoe will drop, consider: even though it hurt, you survived many shoes dropping already. And here you are, learning to self love anyway. Here you are, not having given up on humankind, and looking for connection and grace. You, dear sister, inspire my belief in the enduring nature of the heart.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #78206
    Glet
    Participant

    Dear Matt

    thank you so so much for your kind words and for taking time to read my post..i highly appreciate your kind words and they have inspired me to keep going on with my self love journey

    #78224
    kristenf
    Participant

    Dear Glet,

    I loved your honesty and self-awareness within this post. I too, had a difficult childhood laced with various types of abuse and abandonment involved. By the time I was 18 I hadn’t spoken to my father for five years. I sought attention and validation from men and had no idea how to have a real relationship with anyone, especially a man. I also used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.

    You mentioned in your post that you have found a best friend whom you can have a loving and supportive relationship with. That’s a start right there. You’ve let SOMEBODY into your life. And practice makes perfect. As you practice with your best friend how to be emotionally vulnerable and let your walls down, perhaps you can transfer this behavior into your relationships with SAFE men slowly.

    I’ve recently had many discussions with my father about the things that took place when I was a child and he’s also made a complete change within his life. He admits to all his wrongdoings but it is still tough for me to have a close relationship with him. Which, for me, is okay. I don’t pressure myself. I know it takes time to heal and it’s okay to go at a snail’s pace as long as I keep challenging myself to be better and to forgive.

    I remember when I had first started dating my fiance almost 5 years ago. One evening I was having an overwhelming sadness come over me due to some instance that had occurred, something that had triggered me, and he went to touch my heart with his palm. I completely freaked out and started yelling at him and crying. He had no idea what had happened. So I know how you feel. I know that emotional reaction.

    For me, I think it’s all about courage and practice. Finding positive, emotionally safe people that you can be around that may or may not be within your family. People who treat you well, ACT like they love you, and don’t try to take anything from you. And each time you feel compelled to hide, you let them in instead. And as you continue to practice this behavior, it will get easier and easier. I KNOW you can change. And it seems like you truly have the willingness, self-awareness and open heart to do so.

    So what are you waiting for?

    Kristen

    #78242
    Glet
    Participant

    Dear Kristen

    thank you so much for your reply and just knowing that you could move on from your past gives me courage to do so too…and yes I am willing to be a better person for me and for the people who truly love me..luckily I have always had alot of people who cared for me,I just never let them in..but I will try and I will do my best..once again thank you

    #78243
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Glet,

    One thing that can be done is for your step mother to apologize for all her hurtful words. If she does, great! If she doesn’t, at least you’ve put the seed in her head that what she did was wrong.

    The rest is like spilled milk, as they say. It happened. The creepy uncle is still out there. Your mom is still no longer around. It is what it is. What I would do is make up some rituals releasing those experiences. They can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish. That will give you inner power and a degree of comfort, releasing those experiences.

    The boys rejecting you? Well, forget the boys. Instead of running after boys, let the real men pursue YOU. You ARE loved, and beloved.

    As you can see, Life is more powerful than what you faced.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #78252
    Sinpa
    Participant

    Glet,

    I think that sharing your fears and insecurities is a good step to move on.
    what you have been through is not easy. Still, after darkness light always show up. You don’t have to be afraid of what is waiting for you, let your past strenghen you.. Life is beautiful for those who know how to deal with it.

    Concerning your relationship with guys, I advise you to take a pen and a paper, write down all your memories, every bad feeling you experienced, all your fears.. you may cry while doing it, but it is fine, you ll be getting rid of it once for all. Then, tear that paper and throw it away.
    I think this may help you to get over this.

    Just one more advice. Don’t force yourself to forgive, relax and let time do its job…

    Be fine 🙂

    Sinpa

    #78259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Glet:
    You expressed a great attitude to overcome your past and live in the present. Yet you cannot delete your past- it is anchored in your neurons, in between your ears, the memories of what happened and how you felt. The emotional memories in your neurons will continue to be triggered by current events and challenges, something unfortunately you have to live with. The “solution” (simplified much…) is to slowly remove those memories from where they are and place them in the “autobiographical memory” – literally forming new connections in your brain so that the memories of the past traumas are reprocessed and no longer cause the ongoing triggering. They become something that happened in the past instead of something that keep happening.

    Through practice and patience and time you create a space between the past and the present.
    anita

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.