Glet,

Buddha gave a secret of nature to us, saying “being is sustained by fuel”. To understand this secret, we only need to stand bravely and look at our automatic reactions. Consider how you come from a disturbing and unfortunate past. Many reasons were there for you to cry, many people and situations that smacked into your heart, leaving much pain in their wake.

So now, when your dad goes to kiss you, it echoes from those past moments. Those echoes are from the fuel, the old goop and gunk and bruises. But the reaction is only a reflex, and that reflex fades with time and continued self loving steps. Said differently, being abused in the past forced a fuel of anxiety into you, and you will only have startle reactions until the fuel is exhausted. There is no need to fear that you will always flinch when dad tries to give love. No need to fear that something is forever broken or missing or wrong with you. Just a normal woman, learning to love herself more and more each day. And with each passing day, the fuel is consumed and erodes the reflexes.

And consider, my dear friend, that those reflexes are actually quite marvelous. You didn’t just bow down, roll over, and give up. Inside you, the force of love that was always protecting you became that fuel, held deep inside. Like, when dad went to kiss you, you responded with protection, removal, like slapping his lips away from you. Sure, in that moment it wasn’t necessary, but it sure shows a strength of a passionate woman, ready to defend her boarders. Wonderful!

Finally, be extra patient with yourself as you let go of the past. Instead of being afraid that another shoe will drop, consider: even though it hurt, you survived many shoes dropping already. And here you are, learning to self love anyway. Here you are, not having given up on humankind, and looking for connection and grace. You, dear sister, inspire my belief in the enduring nature of the heart.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear Glet,

I loved your honesty and self-awareness within this post. I too, had a difficult childhood laced with various types of abuse and abandonment involved. By the time I was 18 I hadn’t spoken to my father for five years. I sought attention and validation from men and had no idea how to have a real relationship with anyone, especially a man. I also used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain.

You mentioned in your post that you have found a best friend whom you can have a loving and supportive relationship with. That’s a start right there. You’ve let SOMEBODY into your life. And practice makes perfect. As you practice with your best friend how to be emotionally vulnerable and let your walls down, perhaps you can transfer this behavior into your relationships with SAFE men slowly.

I’ve recently had many discussions with my father about the things that took place when I was a child and he’s also made a complete change within his life. He admits to all his wrongdoings but it is still tough for me to have a close relationship with him. Which, for me, is okay. I don’t pressure myself. I know it takes time to heal and it’s okay to go at a snail’s pace as long as I keep challenging myself to be better and to forgive.

I remember when I had first started dating my fiance almost 5 years ago. One evening I was having an overwhelming sadness come over me due to some instance that had occurred, something that had triggered me, and he went to touch my heart with his palm. I completely freaked out and started yelling at him and crying. He had no idea what had happened. So I know how you feel. I know that emotional reaction.

For me, I think it’s all about courage and practice. Finding positive, emotionally safe people that you can be around that may or may not be within your family. People who treat you well, ACT like they love you, and don’t try to take anything from you. And each time you feel compelled to hide, you let them in instead. And as you continue to practice this behavior, it will get easier and easier. I KNOW you can change. And it seems like you truly have the willingness, self-awareness and open heart to do so.

So what are you waiting for?

Kristen

Hi Glet,

One thing that can be done is for your step mother to apologize for all her hurtful words. If she does, great! If she doesn’t, at least you’ve put the seed in her head that what she did was wrong.

The rest is like spilled milk, as they say. It happened. The creepy uncle is still out there. Your mom is still no longer around. It is what it is. What I would do is make up some rituals releasing those experiences. They can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish. That will give you inner power and a degree of comfort, releasing those experiences.

The boys rejecting you? Well, forget the boys. Instead of running after boys, let the real men pursue YOU. You ARE loved, and beloved.

As you can see, Life is more powerful than what you faced.

Blessings,

Inky

Dear Glet:
You expressed a great attitude to overcome your past and live in the present. Yet you cannot delete your past- it is anchored in your neurons, in between your ears, the memories of what happened and how you felt. The emotional memories in your neurons will continue to be triggered by current events and challenges, something unfortunately you have to live with. The “solution” (simplified much…) is to slowly remove those memories from where they are and place them in the “autobiographical memory” – literally forming new connections in your brain so that the memories of the past traumas are reprocessed and no longer cause the ongoing triggering. They become something that happened in the past instead of something that keep happening.

Through practice and patience and time you create a space between the past and the present.
anita