Hi Eric

There’s no need to apologise. This is your journal and you are free to express anxiety.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I have some grounding techniques to share that can be soothing when anxiety is high. Please feel free to research your own online. There are many techniques and you may find something more suitable for you.

I’m also going to share that this is recurring anxiety due to the theme of being afraid she will leave you as you have anxiety about not feeling good enough. It isn’t really linked to occasions, this is a constant fear for you. But occasions such as this do bring it to your attention. This may be a coping strategy to reduce your anxiety at other times. What I’m trying to suggest is that it isn’t really about what is happening. If that makes sense?

Anyway, the aforementioned grounding techniques.

Describing senses in detail. Aim for 5 things for each sense. But don’t worry about smell and taste as much. The more detail the better. Imagine that you are describing these sensations to an alien new to this world. They don’t really know what it is you are describing, so they need a really detailed description.

Imagery is another good exercise. Imagine a place that feels really safe to you. This could be anywhere real or not. Anything is possible, it is your imagination. Anything or anyone you need at all is there.

I like to imagine being down at the beach with my dogs because it is my favourite place and being with them makes me feel safe. I also like to see them happy and they are happy when they run.

When you have some ideas, begin to describe it to yourself in detail how it would feel to be there. Any sensations, like the grounding exercise above.

For example, the sun is shining. The sand is damp and my feet sink slightly into it as I walk. The sound of the waves is soothing, with the rhythmic gentle crash like someone softly shushing. Shhhh! The dogs are running and jumping in the sea. When they run back to me they shake and flick droplets of water onto me giving me a shock even though they do this every time and I do my best to dodge out of the way.

If you feel up to it try taking a look at your list of what makes you a good boyfriend. If not, that’s fine too.

Please let me know if you find any parts helpful or unhelpful. It may give some insight into what helps your anxiety.

Wishing you all the best 🙏

I also read something online a few weeks ago that I found helpful.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Read it. Then read it backwards once again your mind.

This is how we control our thoughts. How we guide them into where we want our attention to settle.

I thought, well if I can do it with reading which for me is thinking about the words I see. I can think about words I choose any time I want to.

So when anxious thoughts start popping up to myself. I think something silly and offbeat to myself. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT.

The repetition reminded me of a System of a Down song where they sing “BANANA, BANANA, TERRICOTA, TERRICOTA PIE”. I use this one as well.

But yes. The point is, it’s the ability to distract yourself from the anxious thoughts. This might involve choosing to do an activity. Watching TV or exercise for example. I also find that if I’m busier, I have less time alone with my anxious thoughts because my mind is focused on tasks or activities.

Hi Eric

It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.

For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.

But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.

The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.

There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.

So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.

Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.

Hi Eric

Thank you for explaining about your previous experiences of house trauma growing up. It definitely sounds like these worries are a trigger from an old wound.

Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.

But in reality it sounds like your family chose to invest in their business as opposed to their home. This is actually very smart because I’m sure they did it because they knew they would make a lot more money, more quickly if they invested in their business as opposed to an expensive large home which is a large expenditure and might not make as much money immediately.

I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.

That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.

On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.

You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.