I am in my early 30’s, and had surgery for thyroid cancer in Spring of this year. It happened as I was completing my last semester of grad school and transitioning into a new career. On a trip away from the city with my family, I had an epiphany that I was unhappy in my life. All the past nagging little doubts all came up to the surface. I had been unhappy with my husband but too afraid to face it. I don’t like living in the city I’m in but it felt too hard, and too expensive, to even think of getting out. And now halfway through the school year in my new job, I’m doubting my ability to work in an urban school. I am constantly sick, frustrated, and stressed out in my life here. There’s a little voice telling me I’m too old to turn everything around, and maybe even worried that my health will suffer.

I have been having a frustrating inner dialogue with myself ever since the trip where the epiphany happened. I came back from it and told my husband I needed to not only leave him but go away to teach abroad and fulfill my dreams of traveling the world. The problem is that after that, he started to be more loving to me, more open, and in general made more time for me. Now I think he did this, not because our relationship was suddenly “better,” but because he didn’t want me to go. I am still living with him because it’s not tenable for me to move out on my own right now, financially.

I am back to wanting to go away but am terrified of what others will think of my decision, I don’t want to hurt my partner, our families, or wreck any relationships as a result. I guess I am caught up with doing what is “socially acceptable” instead of what I’m feeling like I need to do to be fulfilled and can’t find a way to get over it… I am close to my parents but they do no support my decision because they love my husband and think he is a good provider. It doesn’t matter to them that I feel unhappy. I have been told by my dad to wait at least a year after surgery to see if I still want to do this but it’s been six months, and the need to go is still there. I feel mostly that if I don’t do it, I’ll regret it much more than if I do it and it doesn’t work out.

Has anyone else out there experienced something similar? Having cancer has been a great gift to me because it’s given me this amazing clarity that others seem to lack. Maybe that’s a part of it, I’m looking for acceptance from people that have no idea what I’m going through. So I’ve come here looking for some understanding…