Hi Ik88,

I’d like to rearrange your cause and effect structure, and advise a course of action based on that.

You say: I find myself getting crushes on my friends > my friends are objectified, my mind is polluted and my perceptions of them are distorted.

It’s not surprising you can’t see how to address this problem. You don’t play an active role at any of these steps. Let’s try this.

Your perceptions of your friends are distorted > you start objectifying them > you develop a crush > your mind doesn’t feel like your own anymore and you get tangled up in conflict with yourself.

(I don’t really like your “pollute the mind” phrasing. They’re just thoughts. Create the conditions for skillful thoughts and skillful thoughts will follow. You don’t have to clean up the mess in your mind, just let it dissolve. Anyway, that’s why I rephrased that part.)

So, now you have four places to attack this problem, because you play an active role at every stage.

Your perceptions of your friends are distorted? Remind yourself that they are your friends and fellow human beings whose company you enjoy. If you find yourself reading into innocent interactions and making them more intimate than they really are, notice, call yourself to order, and start again.

You are objectifying your friends? Again, call yourself to order. Remind yourself this is a person, not a set of juicy body parts. Enjoy their appearance as part of their unique person. Remember it’s OK to enjoy the food you’re eating. It’s fine to see something you find appealing and think: hm, I like the look of that! Just don’t let that turn into “It must be mine!” and don’t forget it’s a fellow human being you’re looking at.

You develop crushes? Ah, well, here is craving. Watch it arise, abide, watch it pass away. Don’t get too attached to your need to let go of it, this is what’s here right now, this is where you are. You’re reaping what you sowed. Keep working on the first two steps: focus on your friend as a person, keep your interactions friendly. It’ll pass.

The last step is to me the most crucial. If you go to war with your own mind, guess who wins? Nobody. You are your mind. There are only losers. That’s why I don’t really like “pollution” as a metaphor, although I know many teachers will talk about it in those terms. To me it seems that conflict with the self is just a way to heap a whole load more suffering onto your own head. If you’re crushing on someone you like, and your head is full of thoughts and images you don’t want, don’t freak out. Just be like: hey, look at all this stuff going on in my mind. This isn’t very skillful, this isn’t what I want. But I’m not going to reject it, because this is my internal reality right now. I can sit and watch it, and gently remind myself of the good, friendly feelings I have towards this person and the way I want to think about them.

Be gentle with yourself. I hope this is helpful; let me know if I missed the mark or didn’t quite understand the problem. Peace to you, and your lovely friends.