Dear Anita,

Of course ask anything don’t even mention it! I’m truly grateful for taking the time and energy to help me with my issues. And with your help I’m having the calmest days of my life for almost two weeks straight. So big thank you <3

Now on to what you asked. Whoever treats me with politeness I tend to open up completely very early on,because I consider them friend material. I don’t know why I do this, it’s impulsive. Maybe I’m subconsciously thirsty for friendships. And as time progresses I get promises that don’t follow through like let’s have coffee together, let’s go shopping etc whilst they get what the ask of me, be it a favor, money loans, gifts, attentiveness to their problems. The last one’s a biggie. See, they always want me around when they’re down, abandoned, sad. When luck strikes for them, they completely ignore me, go out with other friends, not even asking to join.

For example, I had a “friend” whom I supported psychologically through a rough time. But when I broke up, she disappeared whilst posting pictures of outings with other people having so much fun. She had the nerve to ask me out to which I enthusiastically agreed. Outcome? All the days leading to our meeting she disappeared. Then the day and time of our meeting she texted me she couldn’t meet because she had to study and later that exactly evening she posted photos of her being out with other friends. Next day she contacted me asking how I’m doing. I didn’t respond. Since then I seized all communications with her and other friends like her.

That’s exactly what’s happening to my parents as well. I call it the friend curse of the family.

Dear Anita,

I think it is exactly so. I’ve been reading a lot to find out what causes this zoning off. Turns out it is repression after all. All of the sources pointed out that is a form of self soothing, kind of like a coping mechanism. Basically I escape so that I don’t have to live the rejection of my feelings.

It’s sad to think that I did this to my poor self. Sad because I think I have value and my feelings are valid. In my pursuit of peace and utopia I ignored and silenced myself, just as everybody else wanted.

But I’m happy that at least I know what’s going on finally. My therapist, which I stopped seeing, thought I was doing all this out of a family imposed victimhood on me. That all this happened because I am easy prey for ths hunters out there. Where I find that I dodged many bullets on my own and even younger, with my strength and will. I’m not a victim, I’m just on mute. I need to free myself.

And it’s true Anita, that when I’m expressing my anger I feel shaken but… It feels wonderful afterwards!!!! I’m so proud of me when I speak my voice. Do you think hobbies that help you express anger could be helpful for people like me? For example boxing, martial arts etc?

Everyone who knows me says three things about me: intelligent , sweet and stubborn. My family also thinks I’m the smartest person amongst them but I disagree. I know I’m smart on somw level but, not socially smart. I’m really sociable, don’t get me wrong. Everybody enjoys a conversation with me and I know how to carry myself openly and gracefully. I’m the the type of woman that always smiles and laughs at the bar, I give the idea of the carefree girl. Or at least they told me so. That I have a friendly attitude that’s attractive. So how come I screw up at follow ups with people? That’s the mystery! What do you think?

Dear Anita,

Good evening! I’m late for my response. And here’s why: I didn’t no the answers to your questions. Superficial yes, but deeply, I had no clue. Maybe still don’t, but at least I gave it substance in my brain. I tend to brush things off my mind so much (fitting in that suppression nature) that deep thinking is now a form of mental exercise I gladly challenge myself with (not to be mistaken for overthinking tho).

To your first question : I was sick all along. Then Saturday came and I dreaded that since I’m sick he would make bypass me and make plans with friends, which he often did leaving me with only seeing him once a week or maneuvering my whole schedule to see him on an inconvenient day + time for me. And so I “cried” to him, sorta begging him to meet, because I was missing him so very much. Saturdays were really a tough day for me to fix a date with him. He agreed most the time but after a week of negotiations, suggestions and even “arguments” (him getter angry and me getting depressed is what it was). I was so sad he gave no fig if he wouldn’t meet me. He always was saying it’s fine. What kind of man in love does that? I call bs on that. I digress – so my dad drove me near his place (because I insisted, my dad wanted me to drop me right at his doorstep for my comfort) and he came with his motorcycle and picked me up and we drove at his place, basically a 2 minute drive. He NEVER offered to come pick me up from my place. He just suggested we shouldn’t meet because he didn’t want me to suffer or him caching the same illness.

To your second question : Yes I took three busses whilst feverous and the next half hour I texted him that I loved him so much and I was so lucky to have him. No confrontation, no disappointment, in fact, I DID believe I was lucky and never had it ever crossed my mind that he was a douchebag or that he was playing me. I thought his behavior was normal and loving even. With no prior experience, anyone can sell you a rock for a diamond. It’s like kids adds, they are successful because kids buy into anything. Plastic seems gold when you haven’t seen gold or haven’t been taught the difference.

To your third question : I don’t know if subconsciously I did. Because consciously I didn’t perceive any mistreatment happening. I couldn’t make that connection, my brain was no sensing it at all. I don’t know if it’s tooooo TMI and if I’m even allowed to talk about this here but, in the most private aspect of life (*cough*) I enjoy and adore been submissive and/or mistreated. To which HE couldn’t even grasp why. But I can’t know for sure 100%,because again my only experience was with him in that concept. Who knows?

Do you think there might be a correlation between submissiveness and my anger repression struggle?

Dear Anita,

No, you’re right. To this day I don’t get offended by his treatment although I have started feeling angry and somewhat irritated by that. A “normal” person would have been furious! And ALL, like literally, aaaalll the people that hear my story do get enraged!!!! So how came I don’t? It’s because I’m timid to the worst possible way for my mental health and life stability.

About my sexual submissiveness I think it boils down to liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage. Sorry if I’m getting too explicit, but there is a word in Greek I’m trying to translate jn English but there’s no exact word to describe. Explode, burst, getting off, mayyybe that’s it? I like when a man is angry at sex (again basing this off my only experience with my ex and my sexual fantasies). Being anrgy, violent (not to the point of harming me tho) is what I find sexy. My role is to accept all of it and to obey to his needs. Kind of like a rugdoll.  It sounds really bad I know, but it’s so appealing for me. I of course like to be active but only for the part of his pleasure. I’m surprisingly open minded sexually (sex for me being a 2 persons,monogamous , heterosexual affair, because I’m a female cisgender heterosexual) and have asked my ex for variety but he refused several times. I really enjoy being restrained, God I don’t know if I’m making you feel uncomfortable, I’m so sorry.

Outside the bedroom, in real life no, being mistreated is a no no for me. For one, my biggest hate is lack of justice and my biggest fear on earth is being unjust and unfair. If there’s something in my subconscious tho, that feeds off of that and gets pleasure out of it, I don’t really know…. I always stand up for the oppressed and those being mistreated with fierce passion. But on me (and regarding my ex relationship) it’s a mistery to me even!

I really do hope I didn’t cross the line with my narration about sex and didn’t give too explicit of details.

Dear Anita,

This makes sense. Especially the last paragraph – I can see the connection of my upbringing and who the role I took upon myself is self destrucrive, leading to that problematic relationship I had.

So, all I need is attention. To be the focal point of someone’s life due to not being that in my family. That ex didn’t give it to a form of love, respect and care, so I basically took whatever he had to give me (anger, mistreatment and sexual violence e) because something is better than nothing. Again it makes sense. It clicks. Thank you.

But the hard part is to tune out of this role, to detach from this identity. I try really hard and work out mentally to improve. It has brought so many happy and relaxing days my way, but it is not enough in the long run. I need A change, a transformation. Not into something I’m not, just becoming more self loving, self respecting, independent, having boundaries and being a go getter for my life.

For the longest time I thought it was that people saw me as a looser, an easy prey, an open book. True, I may as well be. Is it something fixable? And do you think, I should  keep my heart closed to the possibility of love during this process? I feel I cannot trust my judgment so easily after being hurt.

I really suck at answering on time don’t I? 

Dear Anita,

Good evening, thank you so much for answering and a deep apology for my lame and late  delay. Life is been so full that I barely get to open my emails anymore. But still, it’s full in a good and productive way, so, Praise God. 🙂

Some light. Finally after so many years I can understand now. Why and how. The unexpressed anger, the sister competition, the parental dismissal, the strange sexual attitude, the broken relationships and the detachment from self. Thank you once more, I hope it’s not getting repetitive but… I am grateful for your insights. You can’t imagine how…

As far as my anger, lately I let it escape more. I don’t judge myself for it. I let nature take it’s coarse, because I know that I act with caution and mindfulness when angry, never putting my mental or physical integrity at risk, nor anybody else’s.

My sister issue: I have been opening up to her about my anger and our parents issue. Guess what? We connect over those things and at these moments, I truly SEE her and she does me. It’s like a bingo moment. It has improved our communication and I hope we can heal most of our wounds. Optimistic 😀

My ex is been on my mind less than the fly on my wall right now. Because for the past weeks I’ve been practicing this: “every time my brain pops him out, I either pray and focus my mind on that, and the Blessed Image of Jesus Christ or I get angry and” sassy” about it and say he’s a nobody. I know the later is not reeeeally positive and mindful but, for now it helps. And I care more about that than being internally politically correct, sorta say.

About sex, I see what you mean. Completely. I have unraveled in my mind all my experiences about it and even process and look deeply into what makes me, well, “enthusiastic” when it happens. So I hypothetically change the eeeh, “scenario” in my head with something less violent, something more traditional and loving. The experience is a WHOLE lot of different. And gratifying in a peculiar, for me, way. Never would have thought.

I also have been refuting and debunking most of ideas my environment had embedded on me. Piece by piece I’ve been debonning my whole philosophy and perception of things. I decriminilized a huge amount in my head. For example, standing up for myself when wronged or appreciating my emotions as valid and human. Well mostly anger let’s be honest. And that I can’t please the universe and its inhabitants. It’s not my purpose, destiny of responsibility so FACK the universe. We will coexist in disagreement, humanely. Not happily. And that’s the biggest swift in my perception of reality. We don’t have to live happily or else or lives are negative or flawed. Negativity matters too. It’s a complex and most needed duality. The more happy one strives to be, the more blandly and aggressively does he/she get shaken by reality. People use mindfulness to achieve total bliss. But truthfully, mindfulness equals grounding and 100% experiencing the now and here. Whenever, however and wherever that might be. What’s your point on that?

Yesterday, I received yet again an anonymous call. They didn’t say a word again. That person just wants to hear my voice. It’s borderline creepy. And there’s nothing I can do about it, sadly.

I would really like to see your thoughts on this. Hope it’s not too tiring to read 😀