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Reach out to a guy I dated briefly or no?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • April 1, 2015 at 7:07 pm #74769
    Autumn
    Participant

    A few months ago, I met a guy I really liked via a dating site. He was obviously really interested for the first five/six dates (we started spending nights), and then things cooled off a little. We had a chat and at the time agreed we both thought we’d really hit it off (his words), wanted to keep meeting and see where things went, but neither of us wanted to rush into a relationship. We only met up once after that, and then things got real quiet on his end. I had a lot of other stuff happen at the same time, got frustrated, and it ended with me pushing for a response a couple times before calling him: he told me he “wasn’t ready for a relationship”, “didn’t have time to hang out right then,” and that he “really liked me, really thought I was great,” and maybe down the line we could get back in touch. I wasn’t having it at the time — I told him he was welcome to reach out down the line, but he shouldn’t expect to hear from me. The whole thing was about two and a half months.

    This was a couple months ago. I was pretty sore at the time, but did kind of regret being so sharp. It came up with a friend a few days ago, and so it’s been on my mind again. In retrospect, I think I kind of crowded him (even before getting touchy about the sporadic contact), and while I didn’t tell him not to call me ever, I didn’t exactly leave it on a welcoming note.

    So I’m thinking about getting in touch. I’m prepared for disappointment here, but I don’t think how well we hit it off was all in my head, and it was a bad time for both of us when we met. Good idea or bad? And if I do reach out, should I just ask how he’s been? Or something a bit pithier? (Shamefully, I’m also considering the face-saving approach of pretending to get his number confused with someone else’s — I kind of figure if he wants to hear from me, he’ll “clear it up,” and if he doesn’t, then he won’t and I’ll get the information I need without feeling stupid).

    April 2, 2015 at 5:42 am #74780
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi autumnair,

    A few things:

    1. Spending the night with someone before you are truly serious is always a bad idea.

    2. Show them don’t tell them. It would have been more powerful if you simply dropped the rope at your end without saying a word. He would be more likely to get nervous and uncomfortable at his end, prompting him to call. By making a statement, it’s doubtful he will call now.

    3. Don’t call him. Unfortunately you boxed yourself into a corner by saying “Don’t expect to hear from me”. I’d rather him never hear from you again thinking you are a strong woman true to her word than him hearing from you and thus thinking you are a wishy-washy girl.

    Best,

    Inky

    April 2, 2015 at 7:41 am #74786
    Will
    Participant

    Go ahead and ask him how he’s doing. Maybe just say what you’ve said here: you now think you were a little sharp at the time, and you’ve been thinking about how well you get along.

    You really don’t have anything to lose but your pride here (and Inky’s, apparently). It’s not likely to work out, but it might. Don’t play games with phone numbers, just say how you feel.

    April 2, 2015 at 9:10 am #74791
    D P
    Participant

    Autumn Air, I had dated a guy from the internet for much less than you. We really hit it off. I hadn’t slept with him though. It seemed like things were going great. Then it is like he dropped off the face of the earth. I was really hurt and confused. During that period I ended up dating other guys and had one guy that was my friends with benefit guy. Sounds weird but having one of those helps you not jump into things so quickly with guys that you are really interested in. Then I met the guy that is now my husband. Then I heard back from the first guy. He confessed and told me that he was trying to get back with his ex and did for a time (during our time apart). It was about a month that I heard back from him.
    I imagine there are things you don’t know about this guy and possibly he was also seeing or sleeping with someone else and maybe tried to make it a go with them.
    You are just lonely right now and feeling bad about how you reacted.
    I would not call him.

    Let me tell you about another dating story and it became my mantra while dating. I dated this guy and one night he slipped and hit his head. He went into seizures. I am a prior EMT and I called 911. We were out of a date and with other friends when this happened. You can have a seizure after hitting your head and be okay fyi. The EMT’s told me to stay with him all night and keep him awake. Mind you we were not sleeping together but I really liked him. So I stayed and cared for him. He was really embarrassed this happened. So I put myself out there. Then he stopped calling me. So I called him over a few days. Maybe once a day. The last phone call I said, “you know if you don’t call me back I am going to sound like a psycho calling you every day.” I realized that I probably did sound like a psycho just by saying that. I never called him back nor did I hear from him.

    My mantra is if you think you sound like a bit nuts then you are probably acting like it. Meaning I have to take things slow and not get too invested too quickly.
    My husband told me he loved me after 2 weeks of dating. How nuts is that? I have had guys do that in the past and then back out of what they said within the next week. I didn’t tell him I loved him for another 2 months.

    Anyway, I think I am babbling. ha

    I say don’t call. You are just lonely. There are many other guys out there worthy of your attention and won’t just cool off. And like the other person said…don’t sleep with them right away either..I know it is 2015 but guys still think bad shit about women that do this so quickly. Or at the very least do not spend the night. Give yourself a boundary of 2 months or so many dates…10? before you will go there.
    I am 47 years old and I didn’t learn this till I was divorced (age 26) and in my 30s.
    Good luck!
    D

    April 4, 2015 at 4:27 am #74865
    Will
    Participant

    “I know it is 2015 but guys still think bad shit about women that do this so quickly.”

    And why exactly would you want to be in a relationship with one of those guys?

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