Hi. I’ve made a couple of posts several months ago (March/April?) chatting with Anita and have deleted all of the info since then. I’m extremely saddened and down that, although I’ve moved back home, things haven’t been getting better at all. I won’t go over what I said in my forum threads in the past. I’m also not sure if this username is the same username I used or not. Hopefully, it is.

I graduated from high school, which is good. I didn’t yet when I wrote my last thread. I’m now taking an online course that I enjoy greatly- it relates to holistic health. I had no plans for college/university or having a long-term career in any particular field. To be honest I ended hs on a bad note. My dad offered if I wanted to take any school online he’d pay for it. I’m very very grateful for that. I wanted to use that opportunity to pick someone I’m genuinely drawn to. The course itself is amazing and I am learning very new things from it. I’ll elaborate more on my next steps. This post I’m sure will be terribly long as it is.. That’s me for you lol.

I would like to get this bit out of the way. Mainly for my own wellbeing since there’s nobody I can express my thoughts to, but I do hope it can provide insight on what’s going on in general in my life currently. It may sound like a rant but I’m not saying any of this out of sudden anger, but mostly out of exhaustion and a “When will this **** end already?” mindset. This mostly happened earlier this morning.

After a series of extreme anxiety and stress, I passed my driver’s test today. I never want to drive at this moment. My instructor was very condescending today. My mom and brother discourage me often and barely let me practice in the first place. Lessons were paid, so that’s good. I’ve been trying to get in experience since I got my permit at 16. While I was staying at my grandma’s house, my uncle did offer to drive me and did a couple of times but his method was horrid. Yelling at every little thing. Saying that he’d practice with me less if I made mistakes, and would practice more if I did well (that makes no sense!!) I did mention the whole mess at my grandma’s house and my uncle’s toxicity in my deleted thread.

Anyways I just wanted to get this whole ordeal done with. I used to be excited about finally getting to have a license. One of the things I really wanted to do when I’m free was to travel in a converted van. I’m devastated to say I don’t think I can plan on that for now because of these new anxieties placed on me.. time will tell.

I was never anxious about driving, so I’m furious at the fact that the instructor tried to create a problem where there was none. It was terrible. I tried to defend myself yet got treated worse.

When the lady took my driving test she said everything was good and there was nothing to take points off for. I was a bit ‘close for comfort’ to one of the cars but it wasn’t close to even worry about any kind of mishap. She did say I felt a bit shaky (not driving wise, but I guess she could feel my nervousness).

So my technical skills are fine yet for some reason, people don’t realize that the reason I’m ‘shaky’ or suddenly become ‘worse’ is because of the fear-mongering and discouragement they give me. I simply view driving as a means of transportation to get from one place to another. I genuinely don’t care about being an amazing driver as long as I drive efficiently and.. Wait for it.. The ultimate buzzword “safely”.

I was then told to “humble myself” and not only think about myself but others on the road. And that driving was a “life or death” situation.

I think many things are life and death. If I really drove everyday thinking to myself that I had to watch out or I might die, then trust and believe I’ll have a very high chance of getting into an accident, since I basically manifested it.

Or.. I could just view driving as a means of transportation and get it done with, knowing that I do know how to drive technical-wise. Trust me, I’m already very vigilant to begin with so the fact that I normally feel no anxiety while driving is a miracle. You don’t know how upset I feel that people are trying to ruin this. It got so bad that today I wrote down affirmations with all my intent that nobody’s thoughts, opinions, or beliefs are void and dispelled.

When I was on my way getting dropped off home today after my test, I asked the instructor to pull over near my house. He asked why he couldn’t drop me off directly at the house. When I was getting picked up today, I also set the address to the nearby school. He kept asking why he picked me up at the school. I ignored at first but then he insisted on asking again. I just had to quickly lie with both questions to get him off my chest. Honestly, he’s very very nosy. I’m not keeping it a secret that I don’t want to go directly home. Plus I’m a legal adult and should be regarded as such when it comes to professional services.

He really thought my mom rescheduled things for me lol, I made no comment. In the first 2 lessons, he also reported what he thought of my driving to my mom once he dropped me off.. Without me asking. I couldn’t say “I cannot get enough practice because I drive once a week maximum to 2 stores that are 5-7 minutes away” a million more times.. I really couldn’t. I’m not going to never get my license because of a ‘lack of practice’. I’ve managed to squeeze in whatever time I have to drive efficiently enough to go wherever I needed to. Combine that with being told you’re not good enough over and over again. Even typing this makes me want to bang my head on a wall but I really shouldn’t be the one punished in this case.

I know I’m in a not-so-ideal situation but I have no need to explain that. I’m taking driving lessons not therapy sessions. 0 obligation at all. This is a common theme in my life; where people feel like they have the “right” to hear my life story and personal things about me. I don’t know whether it’s out of plain nosiness or just being condescending since I’m young since mainly adults do this.

The real reason I actually rescheduled my test at an earlier date is because I’d feel 100x better Getting the test done with since I didn’t like the instructor and knew I would pass. Doing it in secret so that nobody would know accidentally/purposely send discouraging vibes my way

Because that’s what my intuition was telling me and I’d better be sure to listen to it I already have triggers around honestly expressing my feelings to others and they end up being toxic individuals or full-blown narcs. Even if I didn’t have existing problems, I feel disrespected and violated being questioned.

Even the topic of it (drving) is triggering to me as of late and I’m in a protective space of healing, and honestly, I don’t know how I’ll be on the road since I always drive with someone next to me (my mom or brother). Of course, we’re in a unique-ish situation that would take a while to describe. We (me & my mom) get the car every week to go food shopping and that’s it.

I honestly don’t care whether the instructor had good intentions or not although I strongly believe his “good intentions” to be faux since he proudly proclaims himself as a Christian and there are many toxic Christians who hide their toxicity behind the ‘angelic’ gauze of religion.

I guess all this happened within the past couple of weeks and I finally got the last lesson and test done today. My title is “what’s next?”.

When you’re someone in unfavorable circumstances in life, a lot of the times you want to be happy, experience good things.. Not be a magnet for people who “want to help” or a charity case. I love genuine people who want to hear me out. But those people are few and far between. Rather the most outwardly “charitable” people tend to be the most toxic.

At this moment in my life, I can say I have 0 friends or people for support. I live with my mom and siblings, and dad who’s out of the country currently. None online. None in real life. Nobody I “occasionally” talk to. I tried friend apps.. Dating apps.. Just for fun but I feel horrible using it since it’s a vast lake of fakeness. I uninstalled.. Installed.. Tried it multiple times these past few months. I get this horrible feeling and can already tell that it won’t get me anywhere.. anywhere favorable.

In real life when it comes to connecting with others.. Well, I’d have to describe in my next post. I feel like I’m trying everything under the sun and nothing’s working. When it comes to social life.. Experiencing fun things.. Idk what’s going on because nothing seems to be favoring me in those areas.

So I’m constantly in a very protective and self-love-esque state of mind. I do whatever makes me happy.. but all this has really been weighing on me like a solid brick these past few months. My normal methods of chilling out is starting to not work. My mom, while she does genuinely have good intentions for me, expresses it in a way that doesn’t favor me at all (ie driving).

I am fine physically. I eat fine.. I really enjoy cooking and baking. I don’t neglect myself.. We don’t struggle financially. I really am grateful for that.

Something is missing in my life. “Emotional support”. “Social support”. I do think these things are necessities to truly live. Yes, you’ll be technically alive with food, water, and shelter.. But you never really are truly “living” without sufficient support. Plus not having true support and dealing with tons of stress in life literally kills people no matter how physically fine they are.

I will write more that’s more relevant to the thread title later.. “What’s next?” I hope you do remember me at least a bit Anita. You were very helpful to me and I’m extremely grateful for that.

• This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by tinybuddha.