To elaborate: Here are the top 4 things that would really make a huge positive difference in my life, but the problems I’ve had surrounding them.

1. Love interest(s) 

(This is a very strong desire as opposed to friends- there’s one person that is always on my mind. I don’t know them but know their appearance/personality) It’s the #1 thing surprisingly. I tried dating apps anyways back in June/July but I knew it wouldn’t do anything for me in the back of my mind, despite only using the more understated ones. It wouldn’t make sense considering I have no available transportation options now, plus it’d be in real places where I’d meet anyone, not online. This would tie into #2 I imagine.

2. Being in new, nice places + environments

I stay home all the time except for market days- I do my best to go out just because. I regularly search up events near the closest major city to me. I also search for any activities I could do, such as martial arts or yoga. I wouldn’t let my restrictions affect me. If I liked anything I’d be sure to find a way to get there. No luck in finding anything relevant. I’ve been having a recent interest in wrestling/boxing as a hobby.

The area in my grandma’s house had a designated place for walking, with a pretty nice nature scenery. People would go there for leisure walking. There are also multiple trails. I never realized how much I would miss that. It’s considered a “lower class suburban” area but the energy is a lot more friendly there. People just chill out.

In my area where it’s “middle-class suburban”, there’s no dedicated place. Only a track made for running and a kiddie park with a small piece of greenery. I would exclusively go there to swing but lately, I’ve been feeling embarrassed to go. The neighborhood overall looks nice as in the roads and houses are in good condition.. but the people here are a lot colder. In all my 11 years of being here, I still feel like a complete stranger. I don’t even know anyone there except for one of our neighbors who regularly says hi to our family.

When I walk I see concrete and many stores.. I hear constant car noises so there’s never silence.. Really the main point of walking for me is to breathe in the fresh air, hear only the wind and animals and look at the nice plants. I get sufficient exercise in my daily activities around the house. But just to keep my sanity I guess I do walk.. Well did. Now I get increasingly emotionally tired and just have been staying home entirely these past 3-4 weeks.

3.  Amazing friend(s)

While I’ve been mainly focusing on the top 2 things, I would just like to know some of ‘those’ nice people. When I come across the kindest people it’s always a temporary affair. We wouldn’t get the chance to know each other anyway since our interactions happen so fast. It’s when I’m going to a different area for a day. Or, I’m getting a task done at a place I’ve never been before and probably won’t go back to… Stuff like that. Being in a more refreshing environment would come with making new connections, so this ties closely with #2.

4. A stable way to make money

I’ve been getting money from random places a couple of years (sometimes as gifts, money sent to me “just because”, internet reimbursement checks from my past school, etc.), and that’s been really taking me far. That’s what I used to start my online business and just for little things that make me happy. Let’s say things have stopped at a slump here. I already have small business/freelancing in mind.

I have had some small businesses since I was 15 and have become familiar with the overall process of making things to sell. Once you get a taste of knowing you’ve earned money from doing things that come naturally to you- you just can’t stop! My main shop isn’t active currently. I’d need outside funds to really get everything I need.

I figured the best way would be to look for a legitimate online remote job to earn money from. Mostly because I don’t have any available transportation, plus I’m sure those job opportunities have boomed a lot during this time. Well, I’ve been applying regularly since August with no luck. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I would lower my standards just a little bit and try to settle for an on-the-site job that was < 1-hour walking distance just so I could earn the money. It’d be temporary and I’d look for something more desirable in the meantime. There are many stores in my area after all. I haven’t had any luck with that either so far. An on-the-site job is definitely something that I’m strongly opposed to in the first place for multiple reasons, and I’ve been thinking to myself “Are there any possible better options than this?” I’m very confused at this point and have decided to step back sometime in late-ish September due to feeling very down and low on energy this past month.

I really hope that provides a lot more insight into my general situation.

I deleted them since I felt anxious at that moment and didn’t want to have a history or reminder of what I wrote. This is a habit I have– deleting things or getting rid of anything that’ll remind me of bad circumstances.

At that time I was literally surrounded by chaos and I described to you in great detail what was going on. Being threatened by my uncle, mocked by my grandma, and not being allowed to take walks but taking them anyway, etc. I, my mom, and siblings were staying at my grandma’s house since December 2019. Why we were staying there is a long story, and I did describe that too. I went back home alone at the beginning of June. My mom and younger siblings did in mid-August.

As a result of my longterm habit of deleting anything that gives me terrible memories, I hardly have a memory of what happened except that it was extremely traumatic. You wrote to me to keep thinking of my future plans in the meantime and hold on to the positive imagery. There was no good option for me at that time. My mom was also a victim in a way during that time. And that there can be a chance to connect more with my mom since she was the least toxic one out of everyone I’ve been staying with. I should keep defending myself as I have. I should keep my daydreams of being free and living a good life. That’s what I can recall.

I meant that as money separate from my online business. My shop wasn’t something I got a lot of money from, so in addition to what I’ve earned from there I also got money regularly was various sources. The money from my online business wasn’t a steady amount. The money I’ve earned in general was random in general.

When it comes to my habit;  I’d disagree since most of what happens is stuff I can’t control like toxic family members. All I learned from that was simply to survive and take care care of myself. Having traumatic experiences in my memory doesn’t do anything but brings them back and sends me into a panic. I have nothing positive to turn to other than myself and my current hobbies, so I’d like to reduce any pain I feel in the best way.

One major thing I’d say I learned is to not become the type of person to cause so much hurt to others. But also to screen people and look out for any red flags they may have. But even when I learned that what’s the point of keeping my detailed writing up and bringing the memory up again? Dealing with such a situation isn’t new for me at all. I’ve also had a series of events that happened back in middle school and freshman year as well with the school staff, which I’d rather not get into. I don’t think I’ve ever put myself in a situation that was avoidable such as being with certain friends or stirring up trouble. I’m not saying that to sound like I’m perfect.. but I’d be lying if I said I did. I’m already very reserved as is and most of my troubles have been with grown adults when I was younger or family members.

I have had regrets in the past about what I’ve gotten rid of. so I have to mention that I do ask myself about it first and hesitate before deciding if I should get rid of it or not. “It” can refer to anything- personal items, notes, photos, memorabilia in general. The thread.. I don’t regret getting rid of it.

I’ll add in something else: I defended myself when I really didn’t want to. The main point of my posts here is to get my thoughts out through writing, and hopefully get some suggestions on what I can do if possible. It was a blow to say that I was getting in new difficult situations (that I have very little control over) just because I didn’t want to keep anything unnecessarily triggering near me. Replying is optional.